Local News

College Students Killed During Shootout Between Police and Illicit Textbook-Smuggling Ring

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A deadly shootout occurred this morning between police and members of an illegal textbook ring at Stanford University. 2 students were killed during the shooting with 6 more in the hospital. No police officers were harmed.

One of the students injured was 22-year-old Philip Romero who reportedly was the mastermind behind the textbook cartel. Said Romero from the hospital, “I don’t regret what I’ve done. I provided a service for struggling college students like myself. If I have to meet the full force of the law then so be it but I regret nothing.”

The FBI has been investigating this scholastic cartel since early this past fall when shipments of illegal textbooks from Columbia started going missing. It is now believed that Romero and a few of his peers hijacked the shipments to obtain textbooks needed for their classes after realizing that they wouldn’t be able to afford the textbooks legally.

Romero then began selling their surplus of textbooks on the streets, first starting with knowledge junkies and gradually moving up to high-level education distributors (or “teachers” in street slang). Halfway through last fall semester, Romero and his cartel had established a textbook empire throughout the greater Stanford area.

A truck under Romero’s control containing 20 kilos of illegal textbooks was pulled over by officer Dave Matthews this morning when he caught the driver reading behind the wheel. The shootout occurred shortly afterward. In light of the recent loss of life, the FBI has promised to step up its efforts in dismantling Romero’s organization.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing Parent Enters Third Minute

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9-year-old Tommy Berkins has been searching for his parents for over two minutes. The search began when Tommy called for his mom to ask for a juice box and maybe trick her into letting him have some Skittles before dinner, but his mother did not answer. Tommy then looked around the house for a minute before giving up on finding her.

Tommy proceeded to search for his father, but after about fifteen seconds remembered that his father was still at work. In an act of desperation, Tommy inquired about his missing parents to his 12-year-old sister Cassidy.

Cassidy reportedly called Tommy a dweeb before demanding that Tommy vacate her room, paying no attention to the mystery at hand. Tommy left after remarking that his sister’s face resembles a butt.

Just as the search entered its third minute, Tommy made his way to the garage to see if either of his parents might have been there for some reason. Tommy noticed that his father’s car and his mother’s minivan were nowhere to be found. Tommy has come to the conclusion that robbers broke in, stole his mom and her car and then left without a trace. Tommy has decided to sit and wait for the robbers to call with their demands.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Makes it to Midnight During New Year’s Eve, Family Shocked

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The Scott family is still astonished by family matriarch Morgan Scott’s ability to stay awake last night in time to see the New Year’s ball drop in New York City. This marks the first time since her children were born that Morgan was able to stay awake until midnight over New Year’s Eve.

“I think all of us are in a state of complete astonishment,” said Morgan’s husband Dennis. “I truly thought we’d never see it happen again.”

Morgan is notorious within the family for going to bed early every night and her husband and children often make fun of her for it. Now that she’s broken that glass ceiling, the family has been struggling to find other flaws to point out.

“What’s worse is she keeps rubbing it in our faces,” said Morgan’s son Jeremy. “Like staying up for New Year’s is a normal thing that everyone does and she’s acting like she just cured cancer.”

In fact, Morgan is as pleased with herself as her family is shocked. Morgan’s ability to stay up for New Year’s was the primary conversation topic over breakfast because Morgan constantly brought it up.

“She’s lost it,” said Morgan’s teenage daughter Debbie. “She won’t stop posting about it on Facebook and it’s weirding me out.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Depressing Man Looking Forward to Daily Ritual of Eating Milky Way Bar During Drive Home

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Donald Murphy, an average office worker, claims that the daily consumption of a Milky Way bar while sitting in gridlock on the way home from work is the one thing that keeps him going throughout the day.

Donald, a 43-year-old balding overweight turtle of a man, says that work is tough for him because he doesn’t get the respect he feels he deserves. Often, for example, Donald will attempt to join a conversation at the water cooler but participants of these conversations will always form a blockade with their bodies, shutting out Donald subconsciously. Coworkers will also gather near Donald’s cubicle mistaking both Donald and his workstation for an empty space, and engage in loud, hardy conversations about sex, drinking, dancing, and other things that make Donald nervous.

This vexes the bumbling, socially anxious Donald for a number of reasons, particularly because he’s the only person in the office who actually does his work. His coworkers spend their office hours talking, flirting and having affairs with each other, and only approach Donald to make him do their work for them.

Donald finds release in his daily Milky Way habit. He finds comfort in some other habits, which include biting his nails, mumbling his words, and not growing a backbone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Severs Own Arm to Escape Carolers

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Connecticut native Sherman Wabash was admitted into an emergency room late last night after having his arm severed. Wabash gained consciousness this morning to report that he had maimed himself in an effort to elude some Christmas carolers that had been harassing him.

According to Wabash, the carolers gathered on the distraught man’s front lawn yesterday evening and began inundating his home with festive music. Fueled by frustration, eggnog and the stress of a particularly difficult Monday, Wabash made the decision to open his front door and yell at the carolers. As he crossed his house, however, Wabash tripped and fell on the ground, knocking a bookcase over in the process. The bookcase crushed his arm, pinning him to the ground.

Wabash yelled at the carolers for help but none could hear him over the yuletide cheer. Everyone knows, of course, that according to caroler dogma, once gathering on a lawn and beginning to sing, no caroler can cease singing under penalty of death. Wabash was therefore forced to listen to the music for “what felt like days,” according to the now crippled corporate consultant.

After 127 minutes, Wabash made the decision to use a quarter to saw through his upper arm so he could stand and chase the carolers off of his property. He performed the gruesome task and stumbled out of his front door only to pass out in a nearby snow bank. Fortunately the cold preserved his injury and surgeons were able to attach a cup holder in its place.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Loose Cannon Cop Waits Until Last Minute to File Paperwork

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Sgt. Jack McMahon of the Los Angles police department was nearly suspended yesterday for periodically filing his paperwork at the last possible minute.

McMahon is known throughout the precinct for always breaking the rules and doing things his own way. Some of the other stunts he’s pulled include leaving his badge on his desk while getting a candy bar from the vending machine, and not telling custodial staff when he uses the last of the toilet paper.

Some of the cops in the precinct admire McMahon’s renegade, plays-by-his-own-rules style, but others, like Police Chief Gunderson, feel that McMahon’s attitude is hurting the precinct’s image.

“His recklessness is costing this city out the nose,” said Police Chief Gunderson. “But goddamn it if he isn’t the best cop on the force.”

For a while, Chief Gunderson had partnered McMahon with a straight-laced cop who follows the rules and plays it by the book in hopes that it would teach McMahon a little bit about respect and integrity. Their partnership exploded, however, when McMahon’s partner caught the loose cannon doing his wife.

Sorry, that was a typo. It should read “…doing his wife’s paperwork.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cop Lets Off Serial Killer with a Warning

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Todd Hammond, a notorious serial killer who has been preying on women in the suburbs of Minneapolis, was finally caught yesterday by police officer Dennis Abernathy.  Abernathy, however, let Hammond go with a warning.

“I’ll let it slide this time,” Abernathy reportedly said.  “But don’t let me catch you doing this again or you will be in serious trouble.”

Todd Hammond was known as “The Butterfly Man” by authorities for always leaving butterfly wings near his victims. Hammond had been eluding Minnesota state detectives for months before the FBI was called in to lead the investigation in October.  The game of cat-and-mouse that ensued was interrupted this morning when Officer Abernathy pulled Hammond over for a faulty brake light and discovered dismembered body parts in his trunk and a jar of butterfly wings in his rear seat.

Hammond pleaded with Abernathy for half a minute before the officer decided to let the killer go.  Abernathy was later questioned by the federal agents leading the investigation.

“Bringing in a serial killer, there’s a lot of paperwork to fill out,” Abernathy said during his questioning.  “Usually we don’t step up our game on this sort of thing until the end of the month anyway, that’s when we’re worried about making our quota on psychopath arrests.”

Abernathy says he isn’t sure where Hammond was heading, though it’s in Hammond’s MO to leave his victims dismembered and in a public area.  If anyone in the Twin Cities region spots anything suspicious, report it at the end of the month.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Wife Officially Closes Down Kitchen Borders

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Tensions reached an all-time high for the Malcolm family this morning when family matriarch Wendy Malcolm closed down all passageways in and out of the kitchen. The move stunned the rest of the Malcolm family, who feel that the unprovoked declaration was unjust and is a step in the wrong direction.

Peace in the Malcolm family seemed reachable earlier this week when everyone gathered to celebrate Thanksgiving, but things began falling apart after passive-aggressive arguments over who would go shopping and small altercations between family members of differing political ideologies. Now, many of the Malcolm’s have lost their faith in a dream of a stress-free Thanksgiving.

“It was preemptive and uncalled for,” said Wendy’s brother-in-law Tobias Malcolm. “I get that it’s her house and I respect that, but she’s going about this the wrong way.”

Wendy soon retracted her declaration and released a revised statement that only women were allowed in the kitchen. This further angered the men of the house who now must operate through their wives, mothers and daughters for access to beer. This, according to Tobias and his fellow men, completely defeats the point of daytime drinking.

Within the last hour, Wendy tacked on a clause stating that men were allowed in the kitchen so long as they promised to help out with the cooking in some fashion. The outrage from the men has since died down.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Idiot Nephew Admits Fondness of Second Star Wars Trilogy

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Eight-year-old Martin Browning reportedly told family members that he actually enjoyed the second Star Wars trilogy after arriving at his aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving yesterday night. The news shocked hosts Lindsey and Paul Lefkowitz who have concluded that their nephew must be a simpleton.

“I can’t believe my own sister would raise her child so misguidedly,” said Lindsey. “The problem has to be with Martin. I remember he’s never been too bright.”

Lindsey was particularly concerned knowing that Martin would be spending a lot of time with her four-year-old son Daniel.

“I won’t have my son playing with him,” Lindsey continued, “until that boy understands the error of his ways and turns from them.”

Paul, meanwhile, blames Martin’s parents for raising him in the wrong environment. “The school they send Martin to doesn’t even teach about the Force,” said Paul. “It’s no wonder the kid’s been led astray.”

Lindsey and Paul have promised each other not to bring it up to Martin or his parents directly, feeling that it’s not their place to say. Instead, the two will meditate on it and hope that Martin finds his path on his own.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Family Just Now Learning Son’s Girlfriend of 3 Months is Black

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The Falkes family of Stone Brook, Indiana, was shocked to discover that son Jason Falkes’ girlfriend is an African American.  The family found out when Jason brought his girlfriend Elana home last night for Thanksgiving.

The family was quick to accept Jason’s girlfriend, only expressing behind closed doors how strange they thought it was for Jason to have never mentioned Elana’s race.  “I’m not saying I have an issue with it,” said Robert Falkes, Jason’s father.  “I just don’t understand why he’s never brought this up before. It’s something I would’ve liked to know.”

Jason and Elana made it home in time for the Falkes family’s weekly “Monday Movie Night,” which was uncomfortable for everyone since the movie they had scheduled was Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.

“I guess I shouldn’t be thinking so much of it,” said Hannah Falkes, Jason’s mother.  “I know we raised Jason not to see color, it’s just not what I was picturing.”

This morning Hannah emailed all who would be joining the Falkes family for Thanksgiving about Elana so that everyone else could have fair warning.  Hannah’s brother Mitch, however, is unreachable since he doesn’t know how to operate a computer, and Mitch is the relative who Hannah is most worried about.  Mitch often spends Thanksgiving complaining about immigrants, President Obama and how it’s unfair that “those people get a whole Friday to themselves.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.