News

Retraction of the Story from Yesterday

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Yesterday, Circus Killer published a story about a mysterious meteorite crash and the bizarre effects it appears to be having on the nearby populace.

We wish to apologize for publishing that article. The facts turned out to be untrue. There is nothing strange about the meteor that crashed outside of Pleasant Falls, Maryland, and the people of that town have been acting completely normally. There is nothing out of order about Pleasant Falls.

In fact, Pleasant Falls is an excellent little town that I think all of you readers might enjoy. I recommend stopping by some time. You will not regret it. There is much fun to be had at Pleasant Falls.

The people of Pleasant Falls are kind and they will assist you and your every need. You will feel at home at Pleasant Falls. It is a nice town to live in. You should consider moving to Pleasant Falls and becoming one of the hundreds of happy people who live there safely and complacently.

You may be wondering why everyone who has visited Pleasant Falls in the last few days has never returned. This is simply because they have been having too much fun to leave and have made the smart decision to remain in Pleasant Falls for the duration of their lives.

Once you arrive at Pleasant Falls, make sure the forest is the first place you visit. Ask anyone in town, they can show you where the forest is located. The forest is an excellent place to begin your trip to Pleasant Falls. Do not be afraid to be accepted and happy.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fear Grips Town Following Strange Meteorite Crash

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A bizarre meteorite crash occurred last Sunday night just outside of the small, secluded suburb of Pleasant Falls in western Maryland. Since then, some of the townsfolk have been exhibiting abnormal, distant behavior that has put other members of the town in a fearful state.

Many people who witnessed the crash say that the meteor was green and produced a high-pitched metallic whine as it careened over the town and landed in a nearby forest. Eyewitnesses say that the region of the forest where the meteorite landed started glowing green immediately following the crash.

Five denizens of Pleasant Falls reportedly left their homes to investigate the glowing lights and the strange meteorite. No one in the town saw them return, however they were seen around town going about their daily lives the following morning. When asked about their experience, the five people appeared distant and responded incoherently. Many witnesses say that the five were perplexed by ordinary devices such as cars and cell phones; some would wander through the street and forget who they were. No action was taken to assist them.

The following day, two close relatives or friends of each of the five original victims also began exhibiting symptoms of confusion and vapidity. Like the first, the people of the second day began acting abnormally. They showed no emotion, did not make eye contact and dropped contractions when they spoke. Today is the third day in a row and the pattern has continued, spreading now to nearly 30 members of Pleasant Falls.

Fear has gripped the town but the authorities insist that everything is fine. “There is nothing to be concerned about,” said Police Chief Buck Spencer. “After a careful investigation we have concluded that there is nothing abnormal occurring within our town. If you are feeling uneasy or afraid, please visit the forest and you will know what it is like to feel free. Visit the forest and you will no longer be afraid. The answers to all of your questions are available in the forest.”

Police Chief Spencer then left us and stood in a corner to stare at a blank wall for forty-five minutes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man’s Confidence Teetering on Whether or not New Tie Gets Noticed

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41-year-old office jockey Bill Stamper reported early this morning that his self-esteem will likely spike if just one person at work notices his new necktie.

Stamper has been having a tough couple of months between a messy divorce and a crippling gambling problem. Stamper’s childhood speech impediment where his S’s start to sound like F’s has also returned.

“I juft really need a win right now,” Stamper told reporters. “I’ve been feeling thif immenfe fadneff refently and I juft want fomeone to notiff.”

Reporters then stopped taking quotes from Stamper because it was the most ridiculous speech impediment any of them had ever heard.

In an effort to feel on top again, Stamper purchased himself an expensive new necktie. It’s red with purple splotches all over it; much more jazzy than his typical beige or dark blue ties. Stamper believed at the time that it might make him look a little more attractive and in control of his life.

Stamper came into work this morning wearing the tie and found that nobody saw the new and improved Bill Stamper. His coworkers continued to ignore him and forget his name or that he worked there. Stamper promised himself that if just one person notices his new ensemble he would decide to play online poker tonight, but so far it isn’t looking good. More on this at 11 (unless Stamper continues to be boring, in which case we’ll have to drop the story).

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

College Students Killed During Shootout Between Police and Illicit Textbook-Smuggling Ring

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A deadly shootout occurred this morning between police and members of an illegal textbook ring at Stanford University. 2 students were killed during the shooting with 6 more in the hospital. No police officers were harmed.

One of the students injured was 22-year-old Philip Romero who reportedly was the mastermind behind the textbook cartel. Said Romero from the hospital, “I don’t regret what I’ve done. I provided a service for struggling college students like myself. If I have to meet the full force of the law then so be it but I regret nothing.”

The FBI has been investigating this scholastic cartel since early this past fall when shipments of illegal textbooks from Columbia started going missing. It is now believed that Romero and a few of his peers hijacked the shipments to obtain textbooks needed for their classes after realizing that they wouldn’t be able to afford the textbooks legally.

Romero then began selling their surplus of textbooks on the streets, first starting with knowledge junkies and gradually moving up to high-level education distributors (or “teachers” in street slang). Halfway through last fall semester, Romero and his cartel had established a textbook empire throughout the greater Stanford area.

A truck under Romero’s control containing 20 kilos of illegal textbooks was pulled over by officer Dave Matthews this morning when he caught the driver reading behind the wheel. The shootout occurred shortly afterward. In light of the recent loss of life, the FBI has promised to step up its efforts in dismantling Romero’s organization.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KFC First to Hire Onsite Paramedics

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Since the release of the “KFC Double Down” in 2010, KFC has been under careful scrutiny by the FDA over the increase of strokes, heart attacks and brain damage that have occurred inside KFC restaurants. As a solution, the restaurant chain became the first in history to staff one paramedic in every establishment to revive customers when their bodies succumb to the food so that they may continue eating.

The plan was implemented last November and has been working well so far, prompting many KFC establishments to boast an “Over 9,000 Revived” slogan near their entrances. Additionally, the FDA is satisfied with the plan and has begun backing off of KFC.

Other fast food chains have taken note of the strategy and have begun hiring their own onsite paramedics in an effort to court the health-conscientious consumer. Wendy’s, for example, is now giving free physicals with the purchase of 900 calories or more.

There are some fast food purists, however, who think the new medically integrated fast food chains are getting out of hand. Chipotle, for example, has been receiving negative attention for the installation of electronic toilets that look for diseases in customers’ stools. Also facing harsh media criticism is McDonald’s new “child greasing” stations that force large children to strip down and be lathered in oil so they don’t get stuck in plastic tubes and slides in the child’s play area.

Chick-fil-a’s mandatory blood tests have also been criticized once it was discovered that the company had been keeping track of HIV positive consumers and banning them from all Chick-fil-a restaurants for “sodomy and indecency” instead of simply checking for diabetes like the company said it would.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mississippi to Legalize Brown-Eyed-to-Blue-Eyed Marriages

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Mississippi will no longer be the only state in the nation to have laws forbidding brown-eyed people from marrying blue-eyed people, as it was announced early this morning that a Mississippi state judge declared the ban unconstitutional. This announcement shocked many Mississippians who pride themselves on the purity of their family’s iris pigmentation.

“It ain’t unconstitutional if it’s a fact,” said Mississippian Jack Pikiwallace. “Brown-eyed folk got their own standard of living just as blue-eyed folk has theirs. Once you start mixing them it can only lead to trouble, that’s been a proven fact.”

The Honorable Bailee Frankfurt, who was the judge responsible for the decision, has been receiving an unrelenting slew of death threats since this morning. Bailee became the youngest and most pregnant judge in the state’s history when she won the position last July in a church raffle, as is Mississippi tradition.

“I just think it’s about time we catch up with rest of America,” said Judge Bailee. “The thing is I don’t see color. Mostly that’s because of when that needle got stuck in my eye because the doctor holding it was jonesing real bad, but I mean that like the colors we’re concerned about are on your eye as well and you can’t see your own eye, so what’s the problem?”

Rumor has it that Mississippi, also known as “The Confederate State,” might also be repealing laws that forbid washing all dark colored clothing together, the selling of more than one color of M&M in the same package, and mixed nuts.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nihilist’s New Tattoo Not Representative of Anything

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Reggie Hawker, a 28-year-old drug store cashier and recently self-proclaimed “nihilist” just got his newest tattoo of a serpent with an assault rifle finished, however Reggie claims that his beliefs forbid him from acknowledging the tattoo as representative of anything.

“The truth is, and no one will tell you this because everyone else is blind,” said Reggie, “everything in this world is meaningless. We’re just shadows on the ever changing reflecting pool of existence, drifting through the echoes of blackness and infinity. Everything we do comes from the void, so everything we do becomes void in itself.”

Reggie has many other tattoos from his youth but every one of them meant something to him when he received them. The image on his bicep of a flaming cross impaling the planet with the text “vini, vidi, vici,” for example, was supposed to represent global religious imperialism and expose the agenda behind organized religion. Reggie’s tattoo of a sad clown stabbing the American flag while Spider-Man watches with an erection, meanwhile, was originally representative of Reggie’s father.

Since declaring himself a nihilist, however, Reggie has stopped trying to express himself and has instead decided to make all of his decisions based on nothing. This latest tattoo is a result of that way of thinking.

“I’m telling you, it doesn’t mean anything, man,” Reggie continued, “because nothing does. All my ink from now on I’ll get for no reason at all because that’s the only reason that matters. You know why I got this serpent with the guns right here? Neither do I. Because that’s life, man. Get used to it. Now, do you have your Rite Aid Wellness rewards card?”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

60 Second Ad for New Drug Just List of Side Effects

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Grosche-Lumburgh Pharmaceuticals released a 60 second television advertisement for a new anti-depressant called “Vaxidol,” however the ad was comprised entirely of side effects for the drug.

“Legally we’re required to inform potential customers of any new drug’s side effects,” said Grosche-Lumburgh spokesperson Patricia Denali. “Once we mentioned all the side effects attributed with taking Vaxidol, however, there just wasn’t enough time to mention anything else about the drug.”

Despite some of Vaxidol’s numerous side effects, which include “heart failure,” “liver disease,” and “Ebola somehow,” many people with depression have been electing to take the new drug because nine out of ten doctors were paid fifty bucks to recommend it. Vaxidol’s increasing popularity can also be attributed to its recent price drop. Prescription medication can cost the average American over one hundred dollars monthly, however Vaxidol is completely free when you give Grosche-Lumburgh a working credit card and your social security number.

Users of Vaxidol haven’t reported any issues with the drug because many of them have lost the ability to communicate due to either irreparable nervous system damage, brain failure, or spontaneous combustion of throat, chest and other vital areas.

Some Americans without depression have also begun taking the drug shortly after Vaxidol became “The Official Anti-Depressant of the NFL.” Some health analysts warn that this can be dangerous because a side effect of taking Vaxidol without having the depression it’s designed to treat will more often than not lead to depression.

The FDA approved the use of Vaxidol last November, shortly before FDA Deputy Commissioner Josef Harlow purchased a yacht large enough for an on-deck swimming pool that is large enough to contain its own small yacht.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing Parent Enters Third Minute

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9-year-old Tommy Berkins has been searching for his parents for over two minutes. The search began when Tommy called for his mom to ask for a juice box and maybe trick her into letting him have some Skittles before dinner, but his mother did not answer. Tommy then looked around the house for a minute before giving up on finding her.

Tommy proceeded to search for his father, but after about fifteen seconds remembered that his father was still at work. In an act of desperation, Tommy inquired about his missing parents to his 12-year-old sister Cassidy.

Cassidy reportedly called Tommy a dweeb before demanding that Tommy vacate her room, paying no attention to the mystery at hand. Tommy left after remarking that his sister’s face resembles a butt.

Just as the search entered its third minute, Tommy made his way to the garage to see if either of his parents might have been there for some reason. Tommy noticed that his father’s car and his mother’s minivan were nowhere to be found. Tommy has come to the conclusion that robbers broke in, stole his mom and her car and then left without a trace. Tommy has decided to sit and wait for the robbers to call with their demands.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Office Daredevil Wears Jeans to Work

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Dale Costello of Santa Fe, New Mexico, showed up for work wearing jeans today. The stunt shocked Dale’s coworkers, although some say they saw it coming.

“Dale’s really been flaking out recently,” says Patrick Hannedy who works in a cubicle across from Dale. “I’m not sure what’s been going on with him but he’s gonna start seeing some repercussions if he doesn’t get his act together pretty soon.”

Other employees have been watching Dale’s slow downfall into mediocrity closely, noting that this all began some time last month. Dale came into work during casual Friday wearing jeans instead of the preferred and acceptable choice of khakis or dockers. Dale then wore khakis the following Monday, which should have been a normal suit-and-tie day. Dale has devolved back to jeans on normal days, and basketball shorts on casual Fridays.

Unfortunately for his employers, Dale is the best at what he does so firing him isn’t an option. Dale is also something of a loose cannon so reprimanding him wouldn’t accomplish anything. As a result, Dale’s bosses have found a happy medium in which they too wear basketball shorts, but continue to wear a suit and tie above the waist.

Dale’s attitude, meanwhile, continues to be a distraction to his workmates.

“I don’t understand why he can’t just clean himself up every once in a while,” says Debra Fitzgerald, a fellow employee. “His workspace is littered with trash and sometimes he just takes his pants off and hangs them up on a clothes line he brought. Like, for no reason. There’s absolutely no reason to do that. I just don’t understand it.”

Several workplace schlubs have taken after Dale’s example and have begun to show up in inappropriate attire as well. Many hopeful white-collar workers in nearby offices hope that this revolution finds its way into office place norm.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.