News

Addictive Mobile Game Lets Users Sell Objects from their Homes to Continue Playing

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A new mobile game for iPhone and Android called “Kake Kruncher,” went viral in the last week due to its innovative new feature that allows players to trade household objects and furniture for the ability to progress to other levels.

“It’s an amazing concept and an excellent feature,” says blogger Andre Stausberg who spends his days reviewing iPhone apps. “What I love about it is that it lets players get rid of their possessions on their own terms. Most mobile games force you to pay a small fee to unlock other levels or modes, but those fees add up over time and usually end in debt and the repossession of property from stores or banks. It’s great to finally have a game that doesn’t waste your time and just gets right to the point.”

Kake Kruncher was developed by a company called “StackBab Media,” whose claim to fame is taking games that already exist, prettying them up, and then branding and marketing them more successfully than the original games.

Rumors are circulating that StackBab will be releasing an update shortly that will allow players to unlock the entire game by selling their homes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Older Child Gets to Tell Story

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Tommy Warber, an 8-year-old boy from Harristown, Virginia, was greatly disappointed yesterday when his older brother Ray told their parents an awesome story that the brothers had agreed Tommy would tell. Tommy views this blatant disregard for their verbal contract as a betrayal of the highest degree.

“Ray promised I could tell the story and you’re not supposed to break your promises,” said Tommy. “Unless you’re a meanie, then you are. And my brother’s a meanie.”

The story in question is that the two brothers saw each other in school in between classes. This is an unusual occurrence because Tommy is in second grade and his brother is in fourth, and students in those grades have class at opposite ends of the building. The brothers ran into each other because Ray’s class had to attend a presentation on bullying in the library.

“It’s not fair,” continued Tommy. “Ray always gets to tell the stories. I never get to tell them. He says it’s ‘cause he’s older but we’re brothers so I should get a turn too.”

Tommy’s parents have not intervened on the matter and in fact seemed uninterested in the story. This, according to Tommy, is because his parents “have just been really quiet since mommy saw dad hugging Dave S.’s mom at soccer.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman’s Unfinished Screenplay Only Conversation Topic During Entire Night Out

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25-year-old Millicent Ferris was spotted in a Manhattan bar last Saturday where she reportedly spent every conversation talking about her unfinished screenplay. Every stranger Millicent spoke with that evening has come forward admitting that it was about the most boring night out any of them had experienced.

“On and on she was going with this movie thing,” said Dave Tucci, one of the men Millicent conversed with. “I was like, good God, lady, if this is what you’re like the night of, I don’t even want to know what you’re like the morning after.”

Millicent graduated college with a degree in finance but has spent the last three years unemployed so that she has time to work on her screenplay. Millicent moved to New York shortly after graduating to “be inspired” and “ease her tortured soul” while she lives off of checks her parents send.

“Yeah, I’m a creative,” said Millicent. “I like to express myself. It’s not my fault if nobody listens to my voice or what I have to say, whether or not it’s about the screenplay I’m working on. It’s called ‘Ghosts of Our Mothers’ and it’s about this girl who moved to New York and she’s trying to write a screenplay but she doesn’t really know what it’s about…”

Millicent continued on to tell us about her screenplay. Now this is just one reporter’s opinion, but it’s a confusing piece of hippie garbage that I wouldn’t even watch inebriated.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Tech-Illiterate Mother Insists Computers a Passing Fad

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Jeanne Harlow of Cattletuck, Nebraska, accounts her refusal to own and learn how to operate a computer on her belief that digital technology is just a trend.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,” said Harlow, “but you just watch. All this ‘technology’ and ‘internet connections’ will be gone by the end of the year.”

Harlow is a mother of six and lives in a predominately rural community that only just got dial-up internet last month. Many people in her community have since welcomed the town’s passage into the low-speed internet superhighway, but Harlow simply isn’t buying it.

“They said the same thing with the automobile and look what happened with that? The car came out and replaced it,” Harlow continued. “That’s why it’ll never stick, people will just get fed up with what they don’t understand until something new comes out and they’ll throw it away. It’s the same with computers and cell phones.”

Harlow’s children are upset with their mother for forbidding technology in their home. One of her daughters created a fake cell phone out of cardboard and a shard of broken glass just to fit in with the other children at her school.

“My family got along fine without all this technological crap,” said Harlow. “For generations we survived without these iPhones, video-whats-its and toilet paper. We’ll get along just fine for generations more.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Poughkeepsie Pete Consumes Blade of Grass

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Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a holiday in which America celebrates its most beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil as he helps us to determine when winter will end this year.

Today, America celebrates its second most beloved rodent, Poughkeepsie Pete. As we all know, Pete is a chipmunk who every February 3rd is observed climbing down out of his tree to forage for nuts. If during this process Pete never eats a single blade of grass, then the world is safe for another year. If, however, Pete plucks a blade of grass out of the ground and eats the entire thing, then Zerodax the Consumer will ride to Earth on a meteor and swallow the planet before the end of spring.

The tradition was started by 15th century cultists who settled in an area that is now Poughkeepsie, New York. Since then the cult has dissipated, but its traditions and values have taken root in the town and neighboring communities. Though few still worship and sacrifice to Zerodax, many still believe in Him and that His coming can be foretold by Poughkeepsie Pete, or “The Critter of Damnation.”

Pete has been known to nibble on some grass a few times, but this is the first year in recorded history that he has finished an entire blade. The townsfolk of Poughkeepsie as well as everyone across the nation who believes in the prophecy have taken this as a sure sign of the End Times. Riots have been sprouting up in small towns across the nation as looters have taken to the streets in an attempt to stock up for the Coming of the Consumer.

A number of Americans still don’t believe that all is lost, however, hoping that Hoboken Herbert, a rat better known as America’s third most beloved rodent, will emerge from his dumpster and attempt to bite off his own tail, as this is a sign that Zerodax’s meteor has been deflected.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

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Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

AMC to Equip Theaters with Electric Helmets that Keep Moviegoers from Using Cell Phones

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AMC Theaters announced their plans this morning to install electronic helmets into the seats of every one of their theaters by the end of 2016. The purpose of these helmets is to emit a small electric shock to movie watchers whenever they think about checking their cell phones.

Each helmet contains a series of diodes that measure brainwave activity. The helmet is then hooked up to a small computer on the back of the seat and interprets these brainwaves as thoughts, then makes the decision to zap the moviegoer if those thoughts drift to things like friends and family.

AMC has been testing these helmets since the beginning of January and is working hard to “get rid of the kinks” before 2016, according to AMC spokeswoman Susan Gredenko.

“The purpose, ultimately, is to ensure that our customers are getting the full experience of the films they see,” Gredenko added. “Cell phones are a distraction to themselves and others, and we feel that this is the best way to get rid of that distraction.”

So far the helmets have been malfunctioning at an unacceptable rate. Test subjects have reportedly found it difficult to use their cell phones weeks after using the helmets, so the effects of the helmets appear to be long term. Additionally, the helmets provide a health risk to subjects with cardiac issues, however AMC looks at that positively.

“Another goal with this is to get old people out of our theaters,” said Gredenko. “Old people are our number one demographic, and that holds true for every other major movie theater. By putting old, feeble people at risk, we limit their attendance and hopefully bring a younger, thrill-seeking crowd.”

Other movie theaters have begun to draft similar projects, such as United Artist’s “Needle Machine” which injects viewers with adrenaline every 20 minutes, and Regal’s microwave chair arms that fry cell phones almost instantly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Social Media Site for Psychopaths Goes Viral

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A new social media service called “Spatter,” targeted specifically towards psychopaths, rapists and serial killers, went viral shortly after its launch six days ago.

Nicknamed “Facebook for crazies,” Spatter allows sadists and murderers to post pictures and short videos of their latest sick and twisted escapades. The site also contains a “journals” section, where users can describe in detail their latest murder, their plans to commit murder, and everything they’ve learned about their favorite stalking victim.

One reviewer on Yelp called it, “a soulless hive of pure inhuman scum that exemplifies depravity in its truest form and engenders everything our society fights to discontinue,” while another Yelp reviewer said, “finally.”

Social media analysts have attributed the success of Spatter to its attention towards the previously neglected demographic of whack jobs. This was affirmed by Spatter user “BeautifulBlades.”

“It’s magnificent to have a place online where I can meet people with similar interests and share my experiences,” said BeautifulBlades. “When I post pictures on Facebook or Instagram of the messages I carve into shaved animals, I get the feeling like nobody cares. But now, somebody cares. Somebody cares…”

Spatter was created by the same developers behind SlashMeet, a dating app for the same demographic. SlashMeet was designed to allow psychopaths and the criminally insane to find similar people in their area so they could swap stalking victims, trade weapons, or casually hook-up. The app failed, however, since most of the people who downloaded SlashMeet used it to find out who in their local area was a sadistic psycho so they knew who to avoid and/or report to the police.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

US Troops Deployed on East Coast to Combat Snow

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Early Yesterday Morning the United States was invaded by a snow-tastrophe of epic proportions. Citizens in the northeast of the US were hit hardest and have been fighting off the harsh winds and deadly snowflakes on their own, up until this morning when President Barack Obama ordered troops to be deployed to the region and aid in the fight against this wintery hell.

“We can not give in to these frigid demands,” said the President during a press conference this morning. “I will not allow this great nation to be held captive under the cold boot of wet, flakey tyranny.”

An emergency meeting of Congress was called to determine whether or not the President’s breech of Posse Comitatus was justified, however the meeting devolved into an argument about global warming.

“Of course the President was in the wrong,” said Republican senator Jack Geller, “but we have to keep in mind that Al Gore was even wronger! The world is getting colder, not hotter. Also, I wasn’t quite paying attention, what did the President do again and why are we here for?”

So far it is too early to tell if the President’s decision has had any effect on the weather, but many citizens of the east coast appear to believe that military action has played out positively. This according to posts on social media sites, since everyone in the area is snowed in and cannot give us an interview.

According to local sources, troops have been firing at the snow in residential areas all morning, however the snow appears to be fighting back. It has been reported that the snow takes out one American soldier for every 15,000 flakes destroyed, although this number cannot be confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Fans Spend Weekend Denying Things and Providing Unclear Answers in Support of Tom Brady

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Recently it was discovered that the footballs used by the Patriots to win the AFC championship were not inflated to regulation standards. Blame fell to quarterback Tom Brady, who during a press conference denied having an active part in the scandal. To honor their beloved sports hero, fans of the New England Patriots spent the weekend denying everything that they could.

Ryan O’Leary, of Boston, was one such man. Brian was pulled over for driving through a red light at a busy intersection. When asked why he did this, Ryan denied both seeing the light and knowing what it was for.

Another of these fans was Meagan McMurphy, also a Boston native, who denied knowing what handicap parking spaces are for and that parking meters needed quarters to work.

Other Patriots fans are copying their athletic idol by providing detailed descriptions of the state of their balls. Patrick Kirkpatrick, the head of a small distribution company in Boston, called a staff meeting early this morning to talk to his employees about proper ball maintenance.

“Make sure your balls are fully functional before handling them,” Kirkpatrick said. “If your balls aren’t up to standards then put them away and use a friend’s.”

Many children who look up to Tom Brady as a role model have begun taking after the quarterback as well. On average, a record low 11% of grade school students in Boston did not turn in any homework today, claiming to have not known that anything was due. This is a dramatic drop compared to the average of 26% of Boston grade school students who turn in homework regularly.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.