Horoscope: Week of August 3rd, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for August 3rd, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Plan to do something spontaneous this week.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t be discouraged by the failures of today, be discouraged by the failures of tomorrow.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You will experience some turmoil in the workplace this week. In fact, if I’m reading this right, terrorists are going to take your entire building hostage. So bring a snack or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Stop bringing up Hitler in every argument.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Yes, time heals all wounds. But cocaine can make you invincible!

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): True success is not measured by wealth, it’s measured by the size of your breasts.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): How many cats is it going to take for you to accept that it’s over?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Well no one thought Einstein was pretty, either. And he went on to invent the light bulb or something.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You have something in your teeth.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Friends are so hard to come by these days, but there’s an app for that.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Relax, dammit! Everything’s going to be fine, we just need a sharp saw, some trash bags and a lot of cleaning fluid.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Love has a way of hitting you out of nowhere. And when he does, call the police immediately.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #07

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 15th, 2662 – Solar Fracking May Cause Instability Within Sun, New Study Suggests

The Solar Protective Energy Committee of Terra Relations released a report on Tuesday that suggests solar fracking might be dangerous to the sun. Solar fracking became prominent when it was clear that the sun was not putting out enough energy to keep up with human consumption ever since “solar power” became the most widely used method of acquiring energy once fossil fuels ran out centuries ago. Solar fracking is the process by which chemicals are drilled into the sun’s core to increase the rate of nuclear fusion, thereby producing more sunlight. According to the report, solar fracking could potentially create worse solar storms and deadly amounts of radiation, but that sounds like a problem for the future, so whatever.

 

2. February 4th, 2104 – Baseball Seasons Now to Last 55 Weeks

MLB president James L. Haywood announced today that every season of baseball would be extended by four weeks, bringing the total number of weeks up to 55. Haywood said each new season of baseball would begin approximately three weeks before the previous season ends, so there will be a short overlap between the end of the previous season and the start of a new one. This is of course how the seasons will be from now on without playoffs. The playoff season will continue to last three years like it does currently.

 

3. August 17th, 59,971 – Racial Unrest Persists in America

Racial unrest continues to ravage the United States, despite it now being nearly 60,000 years since slavery was abolished. Occupational analysts have noticed a sharp uptick in professional rioters in the last few years, most likely due to the recent acceptance of Fandallarians as a race capable of acquiring a US citizenship. Many professional rioters and peaceful protestors alike have been in the business for generations, so the protesting industry has been as much a part of American heritage as tobacco pie (which of course replaced apple pie when apples went extinct some 40,000 years ago).

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Protestors Begin Protesting Protests

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Violent and nonviolent protests alike have been cropping up across the United States for issues including racial discrimination, homosexual rights and the deletion of Joss Whedon’s Twitter account. Many protestors, however, have gathered to protest the drastic increase of public demonstrations that are growing more and more commonplace in America every day.

“We’re getting sick of this being the only thing we see on the news,” says protestor Gayle Sweeney, one of the founders of Protestors Protest Protesting (PPP). “I want to get back to seeing the news that actually matters, like pregnant celebrities and cats who know how to dial 911, and that isn’t going to happen until these people put down their signs, go back inside and just watch TV like they should.”

“Last night, I wanted to treat myself to a night out at Chili’s,” says Baltimore resident and PPP member Garry Zucker. “I drove two blocks before hitting a mob that completely blocked the streets. If that happened when I was going to work, that’d be great. But it’s only when I’m trying to go somewhere that I actually want to be. It needs to stop.”

The PPP has showed up at several demonstrations, including a rally of religious conservatives who had gathered in D.C. to protest the Supreme Court marriage equality vote. Unfortunately a rally of marriage equality supporters had already showed up across the street from the marriage equality protestors, so the PPP was forced to share the middle of the road in between the two sides of protestors with the D.C. police who had showed up to contain the protesting. The amorphous blob of shouting and protesting eventually fused into one combined protest against the lack of order, personal space and bathrooms at all public demonstrations.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of May 4th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for May 4th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Fortunately someone will do something this week that will make you feel like a young woman again. Unfortunately that something will be taking advantage of your sexuality.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t practice your Oscar acceptance speech while waiting tables, it confuses people.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You’ve been attracting a lot of negativity lately. This is because you’re a positive person and opposites attract. Just be an asshole and things will get better.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Your predictions are a little unclear this week… either you’re going to stumble into a great amount of wealth or you’ll stumble into a great pile of animal feces.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve always been strong-hearted and kind-willed. Or maybe it’s the other way around… I don’t know. The point is, your week’s gonna suck.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Later this week you will be in a horrible science accident that gives you the ability to digest lactose. The struggle is over.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, “naked yoga” is not a thing. He’s trying to sleep with you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I know you’ve been searching for that perfect man but I think it’s time to settle for someone a little subpar. Like that guy whose first date he brought you on was a $25 murder mystery buffet.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. You’ll have to seduce one of them if you’re gonna break this sexual dry spell of yours.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): “The worst decisions we make are the ones that help us learn the most,” is not something I can say about your contemporary French poetry degree.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Did you remember to call the bank?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You may not be smart, talented, confident or attractive, but at least you never slept with Lumbergh.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Sit Successfully

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I was the only person at my school to be awarded Most Handsome, Most Successful and Most Hair all at once and as a freshman. I maintain this blog so that lesser men like you can have a glimpse at what it means to be truly magnificent.

Most men only sit down because it’s comfortable or they’re too tired to stand. I sit because it’s a power play. Sitting shows other men in the room that you aren’t worth their time. It shows them that you don’t need your feet to be in control, and if done properly, can open up no less than 31 sexual positions you’ve never heard of because most of them are illegal in the United States. Today, I shall go over the secrets of a successful sit.

 

1. Posture. Men and women can both sense power by the erectness of a man’s stance, and this applies to sitting just as much as it does to standing. Your feet should be firm on the floor, knees at a 90º angle. At no point should you ever fidget or cross your legs. Men who do this are nervous and likely hiding something, like a debilitating addiction or an attachment to someone with an embarrassing genetic illness.

Always make sure your back is upright and your shoulders are wide and broad. This is a tactic often used in the animal kingdom. Male peacocks will show off their feathers to intimidate inferior peacocks, bears will stand up on their hind legs to appear taller, and giraffes will perform cartwheels while lighting nearby buildings on fire. Every animal has their means of intimidation. For men, this lies primarily in the shoulders, chest and groin region. When you sit, it should be in a way that accentuates those areas of your body.

 

2. Movement. It is critical to maintain composure at all times, which means as little movement as possible. It does not matter if you learn that the senator’s son you loaned one of your yachts to has just crashed it or if a black person has just been elected president. You have to remain as calm and sensible as possible. Control indicates power. I once sat through an ordeal as gruesome as watching Dick Cheney have the steam engine that powers him replaced without wincing or turning away, and it’s housed in a part of his body that should be covered at all times and looks as sickening as what his soul probably looks like.

 

This concludes this week’s edition of “How to Succeed.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Installation of Aboveground Pool Sadly the Best Reason for Area Family to Invite Neighbors Over

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The Stakower family in suburban South Carolina hosted a neighborhood get-together over the weekend in celebration over the installation of their new aboveground pool. Many neighbors showed up purely out of sympathy.

“I guess they did it because two weeks ago my husband and I held a similar party because his company finally got off the ground,” said neighbor Jean Harrow. “And of course Berrigens across the street have already planned and scheduled a backyard party to celebrate their oldest daughter graduating college. It’s both really sad and really heartwarming that the Stakowers are trying so hard.

The pool itself was of course not much to look at. Luke Stakower, the father, clearly knows nothing about pool maintenance. The water was too green and murky to see the bottom of the four-foot deep embarrassment. The only people who swam the entire time were the Stakower kids, who complained to their parents the entire time.

Luke tried to get a barbeque fire going but he couldn’t get the grill to work, causing him to lose his temper and scare everyone there.

“Come on, Luke,” he was heard telling himself, “you can do this. Everything is riding on this and you’re being a fucking moron.”

Many of the guests spent the entire time talking amongst themselves about how the Stakower’s backyard is all dirt and no grass and how weird it was that the only foliage to be seen was one dead bush that still had Christmas lights on it. Despite this, everyone lied to the Stakower’s faces in saying that they all had a lovely time and would definitely want to do this again.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Last 30 Minutes of 2 Hour Movie Just Credits List of ‘Digital Artists’

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The highly anticipated Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow hit theaters last Friday, breaking box office records and bringing the famed “Battle Squad” children’s toys to life on the big screen for the third time. Fans of the series were upset, however, upon discovering that the last 30 minutes of the 122 minute epic was just the list of the film’s “Digital Artists” during the ending credits.

The producers of Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow have been defending their decision to put so many people in the post-production team, saying, “People want these beloved childhood heroes to be as lifelike and realistic as possible. If this means hiring 90 or more people to make sure that John Battleman’s nostrils flare up to precisely the right width when the evil Dr. Insanatee threatens to kill his wife Shirley Schwartz, then by God we’re hiring 90 or more people.”

Other fans have been defending the new film, saying that fans shouldn’t get hung up on how short the film was and should instead focus on how this edition of Battle Squad really pulled out all the stops.

“The moment when John Battlman cuts off his own hand to save his daughter’s life before learning that Dr. Insanatee is her real father and the bomb actually went off already was the coolest part of the entire series,” said one internet blogger. “We wouldn’t have been able to see all of that in such detail if it wasn’t for the digital artists.”

Additionally, a number of digital artists who worked on the movie have come out to defend their positions as well.

“When I went to art school, I never would have thought that my entire industry would be swallowed by the Hollywood machine,” said Amanda Gerscht who worked on the film. “But I’m glad it was. All of the hundreds of fellow art majors who went to my school worked on the film with me, and I’m glad we were able to work together again on an actual Hollywood film, just like we will be forever until every other aspect of filmmaking becomes useless. We are the future. Don’t fight it.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nauseating Couple Already Planning Halloween Costumes

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Friends of Lynda Brost and Phil Linderman became disgusted over the weekend after the couple shared their plans for the “perfect Halloween costume” during a backyard get-together.

“It’s just so depressing whenever you see a couple reach this point,” said Karen Berman, one of Lynda’s longtime friends. “There’s a point in every relationship where both people just stop getting excited over those pointless romantic gestures. Unfortunately that point is past the one where everyone who isn’t in the relationship gets disgusted by them.”

“They’re definitely different, too,” said Karen’s boyfriend Donald. “They’ve been going out for two years and they’re still into that shit. Karen and I lost that after four months, just like any other ordinary couple. I don’t know why they just can’t be like everybody else.”

Lynda explained that she would dress as Katniss Everdeen from the popular Hunger Games franchise, and Phil would dress up as Hawkeye from the Avengers franchise. The gimmick is that both use bows and arrows as their choice weapon, so they wouldn’t have to vary their costumes too much. None of Lynda and Phil’s friends, however, understand why the two idolize characters from children’s movies.

“Where the hell are they planning on showing these costumes off, exactly?” asked Craig, one of Phil’s friends. “Are they going to the office dressed up like that? Are they going to crash some highschooler’s party? I mean… goddammit, I’m more just curious than anything.”

This feeling of nausea and frustration around the happy couple has reportedly lasted for several months now, with all of Lynda and Phil’s closest friends and relatives secretly hoping they’ll break up soon and be miserable like human beings are supposed to be.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 27th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for April 27th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The winds of change are heading your way, so stay inside if you don’t want to be bombarded with flying coins.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): No one has ever left you for loving them too much. It’s the stalking that rubs people the wrong way.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Treat your body like a temple. I mean like the Temple of Doom in the second Indiana Jones movie because of how your body is so old, decrepit and filled with bugs.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You don’t need another person to define you! All you need is like seven cats that are all named after famous female poets.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Alright, that’s the third time he’s mistakenly called you by your sister’s name in bed. Definitely look into this.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t listen to what others say. Anyone can be beautiful, it just costs a lot more for someone like you.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Sticks and stones may break your bones, so avoid forests this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Being jealous didn’t work out for anyone. Except I guess for Thomas Edison and that Greek guy who boned his mom.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t panic. It only counts as murder if it happened on dry land.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Don’t be surprised if you wake up Thursday morning to find a snake is in the middle of digesting your right leg.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): When you’ve finished recording, please hang up or press ‘1’ for more options.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I know how badly you wanted to be a Phoebe, but the chart says you’re a Monica and the chart doesn’t lie. Move on.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Ways to Avoid Having Your Identity Stolen

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Having one’s identity stolen has become a common issue in the digital age. Many people have their identity or credit information stolen without their knowledge. Here are a few ways you can keep this from happening to you:

 

1. If you leave your computer unattended, make sure you log out of everything and set up some sort of trip wire and poison dart booby trap.

2. Trust no one. Someone you know might actually be a hacker using one of those masks from the Mission Impossible movies.

3. Don’t open any emails from people you don’t know, unless they’re offering you money just by clicking a link. That’s easy cash.

4. Most homeless people are secretly tech-savvy scam artists who can analyze your DNA from the money you give them. Never help the homeless.

5. You can simply purchase a firearm to keep you and your family safe from hackers.

6. Kill any bug or spider you see. They might actually be tiny robots being controlled by someone gathering intelligence on you.

7. Often ordinary people will have their lives taken over by shapeshifting witches. You can ward them away with bibles, holy water and Proactiv.

8. Eat lots of carrots. They improve your vision and increase your chances of spotting a hacker from a distance.

9. Sometimes scammers will give you an amazing but fake offer over the phone, such as a unique investment opportunity or a refund for your purchase of “The Pink Panther 2” on DVD. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

10. Never give out your social security number if you happen to be among the 4% of Americans who know their social security number.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.