News

Unemployed College Graduate Completely Prepared for Zombie Apocalypse

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Recent college graduate Jason Wilboro claims to be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse, having spent the two years since his graduation stocking up on supplies, taking survival courses and reading up on the subject instead of searching for gainful employment.

Jason began working as a cashier within a week after graduating, but was let go soon afterward for always leaving early, giving management a tough time and not showing up often enough. Jason considered looking for a new job after this, but decided instead that his time would be better spent gearing up for the end of the world.

“I could work my whole life away. Earn money, start a family, the whole deal. But just imagine what will happen when the whole world goes to shit. Zombies are probably the most likely scenario but it could really happen any way. And when it does, I’ll be the one holding all the cards.”

Jason has since abandoned the possibility of finding employment and eagerly awaits the beginning of the apocalypse.

“It’ll be tough being one of the only survivors,” Jason told us while cashing a check his mother mailed him. “If you’re not already prepared when it hits, if you’re not strong and independent enough like I am, you’re just as good as dead when it happens.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #02 – Harrison Ford; Kim Kardashian; Justin Bieber

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Welcome to this week’s edition of  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one celebrity gossip blog you’ve never heard of.  Here’s what’s happening this week in the lives of people more important than you:

 

1. Harrison Ford Beaches Submarine

Last week, actor Harrison Ford crashed a small plane on a golf course while flying it recreationally. The star of films such as Star Wars and Blade Runner made a speedy recovery and was released from the hospital a few days later, however early this morning Ford reportedly beached a small one-man submarine on a shore just outside of Los Angeles. Early reports say that the actor will probably be okay, however authorities have begun impounding his vehicles so that he doesn’t wreck anything else when he is released from the hospital. The state of California might suspend his driving license, boating license, piloting license, spaceship license and horse license pending a hearing sometime this month, according to some reports.

 

2. Kim Kardashian Comes Out as Blond

Kim Kardashian shocked some of her fans this week when she revealed that she is actually a blonde. The announcement was made via social media when Kim posted several images of her true self via Instagram. Many of her friends and family say they have always suspected this about Kim but didn’t want to address it until she was comfortable enough to say it first. No word yet on how this might affect her modeling career or acting career or whatever it is that she does exactly, but so far her fans and the blonde community have been nothing but supportive.

 

3. Justin Bieber Publishes Dissertation on Swagger

And lastly for this week, Justin Bieber has published his dissertation on swagger, titled “The Nature of Swag, Girl,” which he wrote to receive his doctorate in music. The young pop sensation has been trying to earn his doctorate from Turnt University for several years now and hopes to become the next big doctor of music since Dr. Dre. Some time this summer, Bieber will have to defend his dissertation in front of a panel of seasoned musicians who include Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Blake Shelton and Pharrell Williams.

 

That’s it for gossip this week.  Check back this Tuesday for more and every other weekday for other stories.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Neighbors’ Race Still a Mystery

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Calvin and Olivia Jones from Chicago have yet to determine the race of the family that moved in to the apartment next door, reports say. The debate has continued since the family moved in last November and appears to get farther from a consensus with each new piece of evidence.

Calvin and Olivia have tried everything they could think of to solve this mystery, including searching through the family’s garbage, attempting to figure out what language they shout in, and using smell to try and identify what sort of food they’re cooking.

“It’s just so vexing,” said Olivia, “to be living next to someone and not know where they’re from. I mean, race isn’t like a big deal or anything. I’m not saying that because I’d be more afraid if they were from a certain place, that’s not what I mean. It’s just really weird not knowing.”

“It’s not like the sort of thing you can just bring up with them, either,” said Calvin. “I think the best thing we can do at this point is to just wait for the next World Cup and determine what country they’re rooting for based on how much our walls start to shake from noise.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

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Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Millennial’s Staunch Objection to Marijuana Refreshingly Retrogressive

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20-year-old Kevin Dubaccaus of Seattle, Washington, surprised his friends yesterday evening when he said he doesn’t condone the usage of marijuana.

“I just thought he was kidding at first,” said Kevin’s friend Caitlyn Baker, “but then he started reciting facts and statistics and all this health stuff and we were like… ‘whoa, he’s for real right now.’”

Kevin’s friends were fascinated by his opinion since Kevin is a forward-thinking person on all other social issues. In fact, Kevin’s friends welcomed his opposing viewpoint since everyone in Seattle generally has the same opinion about marijuana.

“It’s weird, but it’s cool,” said Kevin’s friend Anthony Tennisen. “Everyone here thinks about it the same way now. Which means that right now, Kevin is the progressive thinker. Like it totally blew my mind.”

These are just some of Kevin’s friends who are open to his opinion, however many of them simply don’t understand it. Kevin supports his opinion based on facts that some of his fellow college students are unable to comprehend.

“He was giving me all of these numbers and stuff,” said Jonathon Redmond who lives on Kevin’s floor. “I was like, ‘okay, dude, chill out, because all of these numbers have like these weird sorta colors on them and its all just like swirling around in my brain and making my soul hurt, ya know?’ And then he said that he didn’t know, and I was like ‘well who’s the dumb one now then?’”

Kevin tried coming out to his parents with his radically retrogressive views on the drug, however his father didn’t know how to pause the episode of “Scooby-Doo” he was watching and his mother was too fascinated with how her hands moved to take in what her son was saying.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #01 – Angelina Jolie; Pitbull; Ashton Kutcher

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Welcome to the first edition of Circus Killer News’  “Celeb Watch.”  We always have our eye on the latest celebrity gossip and will be bringing you the inside scoop of the private lives of celebrities every Tuesday.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Adopts Nation of Uganda

Angelina Jolie’s legal acquisition of Uganda and its people were made official today becoming the latest milestone in the actress’s journey to ending all poverty. Jolie announced last May that adopting four children, frequent visits to third world nations and large charitable donations were simply not enough to satisfy her need to end poverty on a personal level, and that adopting the entire nation of Uganda was the next step to achieve this goal. Jolie is currently financing a massive bridge to connect her home in Beverly Hills with her new country for easier access to her 40 million children.

 

2. Pitbull Hires Private Detective to Find Long Lost Hair

Rumor has it that Pitbull, the American rapper, has allegedly hired a private investigator to find out what happened to his hair. Pitbull lost his hair in the early 1990s while touring in Chernobyl and has never been the same without it; many of his songs took a depressing turn directly afterwards. Emotionally he recovered within the last decade but it’s commonly known that the peachy roundness of his head has left an empty hole in his heart that can only be masked with 1960s driving glasses. Pitbull has not yet confirmed whether or not this private investigator story is legitimate, but I think we’re all hoping for a reunion at some point in the near future.

 

3. Ashton Kutcher to Finally Take a Shower

Lastly, Ashton Kutcher announced via Twitter this morning that he is finally going to take a shower. This will be the actor’s first shower in 9 years, according to the same tweet. Kutcher evidently decided not to bathe purely out of laziness, promising himself that he would just do it tomorrow every single day for years. He came out in early 2013 as a clinically diagnosed ablutophobe (one who fears bathing), and has been struggling with his fears ever since. Now it seems he is ready to face those fears and give showering a try.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Come back every Tuesday for the lastest on celebrity gossip!

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Mom Just Done with Winter

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Gayle Woodbury of Sundale, New Jersey, announced today that she is “just done with winter.” The announcement was officially made over Facebook, however friends and family report that Gayle had been leading up to it for some time.

“She would get home from work and the first thing to come out of her mouth was, ‘oh, gosh, it’s freezing out!’” says Gayle’s husband Paul Woodbury. “Most of the conversations we’ve had in the last few weeks have started with, ‘can you believe how cold it is?’”

Since the news has been officially posted on Facebook, Gayle has been supported by her friends and colleagues who have also come out as being done with winter.

“I’m so happy she’s finally admitted it,” said Gayle’s workmate June Agosticci. “I feel like all of us have known for a while but it’s not the sort of thing you can just bring up without the other person being comfortable with it.”

Gayle’s children are unfazed by the news since, according to them, Gayle makes the same statement every winter.

“She does this every year,” said Gayle’s daughter Hannah. “It’s not even like a big deal, she has to go from like her car to work to home and that’s it. I have to wait outside at the bus stop and sometimes they make us run outside during gym. So like, I get it, but I have it worse.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Drone Operators to be Replaced with Drones

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The US military announced this week that it has been funding a project that will replace Armed Attack Drone operators with “microdrones” that can be operated at an even safer distance from combat. The Microdrone Project has been underway for some time now and will likely be fully operational by the end of this year.

“One of our biggest concerns,” said US Army spokesperson Jack MacIntyre, “is the safety of our drone operators, and we feel that current safety precautions are simply not where they can be. Using microdrones, we can safely operate a drone operation facility hundreds of miles away from the facility itself.”

Each drone operating station can be operated by eight microdrones, each of which are in turn operated by one person. This teamwork is something that the military has been lacking since the start of the drone era, however the choice to move ahead with the Microdrone Project was a purely resource-conscious decision.

“Frankly, the military is in danger of outgrowing itself,” says Hershel Tolmpkin, a current private defense strategist and former military colonel. “The military has so much money and soldiers right now and not enough countries to invade. By adding more personnel and resources to the operation of one drone, they fix that issue.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Quantum Fast Food Chain Allows Customers to Eat Their Food Before Ordering

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The fast food franchise “Quantum Burger” has taken the nation by storm with its new ordering system that allows customers to eat their meals before they can even order them. This revolution in fast food production has put the up-and-coming burger joint at the head of the competition, earning itself the slogan, “The Fastest Burgers You’ll Ever Have (And Possibly Not Have Simultaneously).”

“It’s an amazing idea and I can’t believe it’s taken this long,” says Quantum Burger diner Alex Seleto. “What I love is that I can determine whether or not I enjoy my food before I decide what I want to get. So like if I decide after eating my burger that I didn’t like the pickles, I can tell them that when I order and the burger they make for me, which I just ate, won’t have had any pickles on it.”

Despite Quantum Burger’s rapid growth in the market, there are a number of kinks in the system that still need to be worked out. Ingredients will appear seemingly at random, for example, or the burgers might heat up spontaneously, forcing customers to wait for them to cool for an undefined amount of time.

“I mean, the system isn’t perfect,” said Quantum Burger spokesperson Gayle Masterson. “We’ll be the first to admit that. But given the billions we invested in our Meat Collision Accelerator, I think the positive outcomes outweigh the negative outcomes. Although those outcomes do seem to change every time we observe them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Blogger Only One Who Thinks 100th Post a Big Deal

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Internet blogger Stefan Takowski became ecstatic when he published his 100th blog post this morning. Despite Stefan’s blog being very unpopular and amateurish, the unemployed millennial thought it was an incredible feat. Most people who know Stefan believe this is from not having much of anything else going for him.

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t really know what he does all day,” said Stefan’s mother Susan. “As far as I know he just goofs around in the basement so I could see how he’d think this is a big deal. I’d prefer if he just got a job, though.”

The majority of Stefan’s blog followers were also unfazed by the news having only subscribed to it so that Stefan would subscribe to theirs.

“I don’t really read anything he posts,” said Claire Berkman, one of Stefan’s followers. “Sometimes I skim through them and I’m like… why did I subscribe to this again?”

Stefan hopes to find a way to market his blog in the future so that he can continue writing these updates of his on a full-time basis, claiming to have no viable skills with which to obtain any other sort of job. We here at Circus Killer hope for his sake that that isn’t true since the content of his blog is juvenile, pedantic and poorly written.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.