11 Back to School Tips (College)

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Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!

 

1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of July 23rd, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for July 23rd, 2016.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You can choose the people in your life but you can’t choose the life in your people. Befriend a few corpses.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Remember, you can’t learn anything from positive feedback. Telling your nephew that his piano recital was an all-around shitty experience doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you an educator.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Lately it feels like you’re completely on your own, but you’re not. You have crabs to keep you company and they’re with you wherever you go.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Anger is a path to darkness, so the next time you beat your husband use one of those flashlights the police use.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): When I say you should take care of yourself, you know I’m not lion! Get it? Lion? Because that’s your sign? Hahaha… no but seriously, you’re going to have heart attack later this week.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): People who live in the past are often filled with sadness and regret, but they also don’t have a black president so fuck them, right?

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): A loved one will require your full attention later this week, but so will Pokémon Go and I think we both know which matters more to you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): No, don’t name your kid Bengymyda.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t let negative energies control your life. Broadcast your own positive energies and hope the FERC doesn’t catch wind.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Snape kills Dumbledore.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Everything in life has a purpose. Wait… no, sorry, I read the stars wrong. Everything in life has a porpoise. If you don’t have a porpoise then you’ll never be popular.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Early this week you will be unable to move your legs due to deadly toxin you accidentally ingested at a Thai food place you decided to try the night before, however when you’re on the floor next to your bed, struggling to get up and terrified at the idea of never walking again, you will find a dime that you wouldn’t have seen had you not been paralyzed. So that’s something.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing M&M Reaches Third Minute

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An M&M was dropped just three minutes ago by divorced scrapbooker Elizabeth Fay. Fay was eating the candy alone in her bed while watching the Food Network when a green M&M missed her mouth and fell to an unknown location.

“Usually when I drop one it’s no big deal. It’ll be on my chest or on the bed next to me, sometimes even the floor. I’ve never gone this long without finding it before.”

Fay’s search initially began with the pat down method, searching for a hard lump between her clothes and her skin. While Fay found a number of lumps in her stomach and breasts, none of them were the missing candy.

“Most of those lumps were inside my body,” said Fay, “which is a disappointment because I thought I may’ve found other candies and treats I lost through the years.”

Fay then checked the bed, the pillow and under the sheets. Still, the candy could not be found. Determined, Fay so much as removed herself from the bed and ran her hands through the sheets.

“That time I did find other food items I’ve lost over the years,” said Fay. “None of them were M&M’s, however, and none of them green. I mean, a lot were green, but none that were supposed to be.”

It was then that Fay got on her hands and knees to inspect the floor around and under the bed. Still, nothing.

“At that moment I began questioning everything I knew about reality,” said Fay. “Did I really drop the M&M? Was it really green? What was I even eating? Was my husband an M&M, is that why he left me?”

Three minutes in and Fay has torn her bedroom apart in search of the missing candy. It seems like a hopeless cause, but then again so does Fay.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Unsure if He at Right Funeral

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Dan Knapur, a pharmacist from Maryland, has started to question whether or not he is currently at the correct funeral. The funeral he should be at right now is for an ex-boyfriend of his friend Lisa whom he was supposed to meet at the funeral. Lisa, however, was nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell is she?” Dan thought to himself an hour and a half ago. “I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t want to be here alone. It’s rude or something.”

Suspicion initially arose during the eulogy, which was given by the wife of the deceased. “Jesus, this guy was married?” thought Dan. “To her? That woman is in her 50s… when the hell did he and Lisa break up? Wait a second, why does this woman keep saying ‘David’ over and over? I thought his name was Antoine.”

Dan then noticed that most of the men attending the funeral were wearing yamakas, the traditional ceremonial headwear of the Jewish people.

“Huh. Lisa never told me she dated a Jew,” thought Dan. “Unless there are some Christians who wear those things, too. That’s possible, right? I heard that Mormons wear a different kind of underwear… I’m sure there’s some Christians that uses those hats.”

Soon Dan forgot all about Lisa and was moved by proceedings. He became enthralled by the stories of David’s life and all the people he touched. As Dan followed the funeral procession from the synagogue to Mount Chutzpah cemetery, Dan found himself reflecting on his own mortality and how important it is to hold onto the right people and let the wrong ones go.

“I need to tell Lisa I love her,” thought Dan at the burial. “I need to show her that I’m here for her and will always be by her side. Not right now, obviously, but you know… eventually.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Donald Trump Cuts to Chase and Just Masturbates on Stage for Four Minutes

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked the nation yesterday evening when he simply dropped his pants during a rally and proceeded to masturbate in front of tens of thousands of his supporters. The billionaire reportedly became aroused while discussing his plans to set American women back fifty years.

“Me and my buddy was arguin’ over whether or not Trump handin’ out free shirts was too socialist,” said Jonah Ells, a Trump supporter and attendee of the rally. “Trump was up there spittin’ out words and turnin’ his face all red and swollen like usual when we realized his pants was around his ankles and he was goin’ at it like me when I used the internet for the first time in my life two months ago.”

While many Americans were shocked by Trump’s lurid act, some viewed it simply a matter of time.

“I predicted this would happen,” said political pundit Bram Newhauer. “The whole reason why Trump is running for president is to jerk himself off. We’ve known that since the beginning and that’s exactly what he’s been doing this whole time. What nobody anticipated is how well Mr. Trump can jerk off half the nation.”

Trump finished after four minutes, however many of his supporters started to copy their leader, creating the largest group masturbation session in recorded history.

“It’s no great mystery why none of his supporters actually engaged in intercourse at the rally,” said Newhauer. “Trump supporters are a very prideful people. They’re proud of their race, their country, their beliefs, their lack of diversity, and they’re not afraid to express that. Anyone with that much pride in those things, however, is constantly jerking themselves off, typically without even realizing it.”

Trump is scheduled to have a rally this upcoming Thursday, where it is believed that he will be dressing up a copy of the United States Constitution in women’s clothing so that he can force himself onto the unwilling document in front of everyone. If that happens, it will likely be viewed as the only promise Donald Trump will actually keep if he is elected.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 7th, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for March 7th, 2016.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find out this week that someone you trust has been lying to you, however you have to take partial responsibility for believing that diet soda was a real thing.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): This week you will truly know the meaning of the phrase “laser focus.” This is because a super villain will carve your head open with a laser.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Take the time to thank someone who means a lot to you. If you don’t have anyone like that, take the time to get a cat.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You will die on August 23rd, 2061.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): The hardest things in the world can also be the most rewarding. Like forgiveness and tolerance and eating only one Pringle.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Always remember that the difference between a good day and a bad day is attitude. Well, attitude and herpes.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): No, chocolate is not a food group.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Something unexpected will give you a lot of joy this week, but something aggressive and venomous will give you a lot of sharp, shooting pains throughout your body next week.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You will hear terrible news about your health this week, but you will also find a quarter.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): It’s hard to take responsibility for our actions, but it’s even harder to play it off like you somehow missed the toilet.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You have something in your teeth.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Someone close to you is going to need your support to get through a difficult situation. Just remember that they wouldn’t come to you unless they knew they could count on you, and also because you’re their only friend with two shovels, plastic bags and lots of trunk space.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of February 29th, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for February 29th, 2016

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find yourself filled with energy this week when a catastrophe strikes your nuclear power plant.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): When things get too stressful then just remember to enjoy the little things in life. Like rabbits and kittens. Any smaller than that, though, and you get spiders and ants and bacteria so I guess you can’t enjoy the really little things in life. Just focus on the sorta little things.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Sometimes it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You should really consider a chiropractor or a new mattress or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Take a moment out of each day to look around you and appreciate what you have. It will make up for all the moments you spend looking around other people and coveting what they have.

 Leo (7/23 – 8/22): We never know what we’re capable of until we’re pushed to the edge. That’s why sharing a train ride with an overweight person is the only ture test of character.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I don’t know, usually anything dark goes in cold water, but you should check the label.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There are a lot of emotions swelling up within you, but also a lot of parasites. Don’t trust store-brand yogurt anymore.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You are in charge of your own destiny. When good things happen it’s because you make them happen and you deserve it.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You are not in charge of your own destiny. When bad things happen it’s because everything is random and you don’t deserve it.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I’m writing this in a fast food restaurant right now and there’s a guy at another table who’s just staring at me and it’s really freaking me out.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sometimes it feels like giving up is easy. I don’t know how you could possibly think that… alcohol is such a huge part of your life.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you own a silver Nissan, license plate 3HFL66, your lights are on.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Oscar Facts You Never Knew

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The Oscars are this Sunday and the buzz has already started. Millions of Americans will be switching on their TVs to see their favorite stars, glitzy performances, and those nerds who win “Sound Design” or whatever.  But there are some things about the Academy Awards that you might not know, for example that the Academy Awards and the Oscars are the same thing.  Here are 12 more insane facts about the Oscars:

 

1. The first Oscar statues were anatomically correct. The non-gender-conforming model that is used today is the result of a petition by Jane Fonda.

2. Initially the Academy Awards ceremony began as a means of thinning out the Hollywood elite. Winners would be killed and have their skin converted into film.

3. Oscars are only coated in gold. They’re dark chocolate on the inside.

4. It is expected that by the year 2050, the “Best Picture” category will hold 35 nominees.

5. “Oscar Sunday” is one of the biggest days for gambling. People bet on everything from who will win certain awards to which actresses will cry the most to whether or not James Franco is wearing underwear.

6. Steven Spielberg is given an Award for “Best Director” every year.

7. 84% of men say they only watch the Oscars for the dresses.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio gave a poor tip to a gypsy who was working as a waitress. She cursed him, and he has never won an Oscar since.

9. It is rumored that the Academy will host a second awards ceremony next year that will be exclusively for minorities. The two ceremonies will be completely separate, but still equal.

10. Most winners are actually determined by a psychic octopus.

11. Every time NBC hosts the Oscars, they get cancelled mid-ceremony.

12. Nicolas Cage has won more Oscars than anyone else in film history, and film future.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

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Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Realistic McDonald’s Ads to Begin Airing this Spring

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McDonald’s spokesperson Jerry Panterson announced today that a new line of advertising will begin airing this spring that will be aimed at the type of people who actually do eat at McDonald’s.

“We’ve tried and tried to get new crowds into our restaurants for years by making commercials that appeal to different demographics,” said Panterson. “All of our ads show customers who are attractive and thin and trendy and smile a lot and who don’t have children and are accepting of other people’s lifestyles, but it’s time to face reality. Customers like that simply don’t exist.”

Panterson admits that the McDonald’s advertising team had simply never been inside any of their restaurants and had no idea what they actually like. That team was let go last week and has been replaced by a group of actual McDonald’s customers who, like everyone else that regularly eats at McDonald’s, has never worked in advertising, marketing or any other corporate field.

“We’re excited to finally have a team that really understands our customers,” said Panterson. “This is a new era for McDonald’s; a truthful, legitimate era.”

The team has already begun brainstorming new slogans for fast food chain, including ear-catchers like “When Wendy’s is Closed,” and “Napkins So Fancy They Still Smell like Trees,” and “I’m Accepting It.”

New commercials are reportedly in the process of being filmed, which allegedly feature teenagers with zits, senior citizens who always look depressed, guys who wear work boots more than any other kind of shoe, children who speak louder than is physically possible, people who wear hats solely because their hair is too greasy, and a woman wearing two crosses around her neck for some reason.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.