Month: December 2014

Loose Cannon Cop Waits Until Last Minute to File Paperwork

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Sgt. Jack McMahon of the Los Angles police department was nearly suspended yesterday for periodically filing his paperwork at the last possible minute.

McMahon is known throughout the precinct for always breaking the rules and doing things his own way. Some of the other stunts he’s pulled include leaving his badge on his desk while getting a candy bar from the vending machine, and not telling custodial staff when he uses the last of the toilet paper.

Some of the cops in the precinct admire McMahon’s renegade, plays-by-his-own-rules style, but others, like Police Chief Gunderson, feel that McMahon’s attitude is hurting the precinct’s image.

“His recklessness is costing this city out the nose,” said Police Chief Gunderson. “But goddamn it if he isn’t the best cop on the force.”

For a while, Chief Gunderson had partnered McMahon with a straight-laced cop who follows the rules and plays it by the book in hopes that it would teach McMahon a little bit about respect and integrity. Their partnership exploded, however, when McMahon’s partner caught the loose cannon doing his wife.

Sorry, that was a typo. It should read “…doing his wife’s paperwork.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Bill to Put Restrictions on Americans’ Purchase and Possession of Guillotines

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Congress proposed a bill yesterday that would restrict and further regulate the purchase and possession of guillotines for private American citizens. The controversial bill has split public opinion with half of the nation supporting the bill and half strongly against it.

The National Guillotine Association has been in an uproar since news of the bill got out. Members of the NGA have been slicing up their membership cards in protest, and many have begun to speak out.

“The government has no right to be taking our guillotines away,” said Herb Hopman, a proud guillotine owner and lifelong member of the NGA. “Guillotines are perfectly safe when used properly. Just because a few bad eggs abuse their right to own theirs doesn’t mean it has to be ruined for the rest of us.”

The bill was drafted as a response to the increase of executions being performed by private citizens in public. In the last 2 years there have been a record high number of school executions in which students brought in guillotines and proceeded to enforce capital punishment on their innocent, unsuspecting peers. As of today, there have been a total of 11,945 guillotine related deaths in the US in 2014.

“The thing is, once this happens, it’s never gonna stop,” Hopman continued. “Once the government decides to take away my guillotines, next thing you know I’ll be handing over my medieval torture devices as well. I have a right to these things to protect myself and my family from government tyranny.”

NGA activists have begun holding demonstrations of their own and carrying their guillotines around in public. Naturally this has put more people in favor of the bill.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Employee Finds Self in Stall Next to CEO, Shares Life Changing Conversation

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Michael Singh, a low-level employee for a large marketing firm in Manhattan, found himself sharing a number 2 with the CEO of his company and bonding during the 45-minute process.

Singh had been having a difficult day and decided to treat himself by taking care of his business in the executive men’s room on the 35th floor of his office. Just when Singh was about to wipe he reportedly heard the door to the restroom open and the stall next to him become occupied. Singh decided at this point to wait until the mystery occupant exited to avoid any possible interactions at the sink.

Soon after the occupant started, however, he began having a conversation with Singh. The initial conversation topic was of a business-related nature since the occupant mistook Singh for a fellow executive. Singh shortly discovered that the mystery dumper was the company’s CEO and immediately became too afraid to exit the restroom for fear of losing his job.

As their conversation continued, both men found themselves discussing their greatest hopes and aspirations as well as confiding in each other about problems in their personal lives. Both found that the other had a unique perspective that they wouldn’t be able to find in their usual circles.

Once they both decided to get back to work, they exited the stalls and shook hands. They then washed their hands and went back to their lives, each a little wiser and feeling a little less alone in the universe.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Love Christmas

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With Christmas around the corner, millions of people are finding themselves in the holiday spirit.  Not everyone drinks from the same eggnog, however, so here’s a few things to enjoy about Christmas for those of you Grinches out there:

 

1. Provides thousands of jobs for unemployed overweight people.

2. Get to listen to your charitable family members talking about the 20 minutes they spent helping out at a soup kitchen that one time.

3. All of the lights and decorations allow you to identify which of your neighbors are tools.

4. Provides a quantifiable means of showing someone how you feel about them.

5. Coca-cola commercials.

6. It teaches children that there are benefits for letting strangers into their home.

7. Perfect for people who enjoy having unconventionally large plants in their home.

8. A Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

9. It’s the only time of year that the real Santa Claus can walk among mortals.

10. Brings good cheer to all (whose credit cards aren’t declined).

11. Provides an opportunity to feel up drunken coworkers at the annual Christmas office party.

12. It’s another fun way to isolate the Jews.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Repeat Restaurant Patrons Catching On That Soup of the Day is the Same Every Day

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Barnedelli’s Italian Grill became the site of a conspiracy last week when word got out that the restaurant was serving the same “Soup of the Day” each day for at least seven or so weeks. The story broke when frequent customers started chitchatting about the family-owned non-chain New Jersey-based establishment and mutually realized that they hadn’t been served a different soup in nearly two months.

Charlotte Edmunds was one such customer. “I was talking to my friend Isabel,” Charlotte told a reporter last week, “and we got on to how good the soup is at Barnedelli’s. And we both realized that the six or seven times we’ve both been there in the last few months, on different days, the Soup of the Day was always the same. White clam fish soup with basil.”

Charlotte then asked her other friends if they had dined at Barnedelli’s recently and found they all had similar stories as well as similar suspicions. It was then that Charlotte spoke with a reporter for the local paper. Hours after their meeting, however, Charlotte died in a car bomb explosion.

Isabel Ortega was outraged by her friend’s death and began speaking out against Barnedelli’s. Since then, Isabel has received numerous death threats by an unknown caller, warning her to shut up about the soup unless she wants to meet a similar fate. Additionally, the reporter that Charlotte spoke to has disappeared.

Rumors began circulating that a legal case is being filed against Barnedelli’s Italian Grill for starter negligence, but the restaurant’s owner has shrugged it off, saying, “Good luck gettin’ anyone to testify.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Stopped at Red Light Inches Forward, Feels Accomplished

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Duane Gellman of Harristown, Massachusetts, reported feeling an overwhelming sense of achievement after creeping forward a few inches while stopped at a red light on his way home from work Friday evening.

The decision to inch forward was made about twelve seconds after halting at the light, and the overall process lasted only about two seconds. Gellman says he immediately felt exhilarated once he finished the exercise, claiming that it was the most productive thing he had done all day.

Gellman reported that he’s noticed other drivers practicing this activity but never thought much of it. He says he’s always dismissed it as silly and pointless, but has changed his mind about it since last weekend. Gellman reported feeling as though he has been living his entire life blindfolded, and only the act of slow, brief and minimal coasting can blow that blindfold off.

Gellman has started inching forward at every chance he gets. While parallel parking over the weekend, Gellman was spotted inching his car forward until nearly hitting the parked car in front of him, then throwing it in reverse just so he could do it again.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Racially Motivated Riots Becoming Nation’s Newest Fitness Crave

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Violent protests and racially charged riots are breaking out across the United States, and some Americans have found a means of using this chaos to their advantage. A decent percentage of the protestors, both black and white, have admitted they only participate in the riots to get some exercise.

“It just works for me,” says Carla Newton, one of the protestors in Ferguson. “I never have time to get to the gym, so instead I just run home from work, join a mob and toss a few bricks through some windows. It’s a really invigorating workout.”

The protests have spread to Los Angeles and have caught on quickly due to the city’s prominent fitness crowd. The true meaning of the protests, however, is lost on many of the new rioters.

“I’d be lying if I said I knew what the start of all this was,” says Ramon McNeil, a Los Angeles native who takes part in the riots whenever he can. “All I know is that flipping a car over with your buddies is a lot cheaper and a lot more fun than lifting weights at a gym or workout center.”

Many Americans who are passionate about the racial discrimination and police brutality issues are disgusted by the participation of America’s fitness nuts. In an effort to disassociate from the health crowd, some of the original protestors have stopped their violent demonstrations and begun practicing more peaceful ones. Authorities have caught onto this and have been instructed to only pacify protestors wearing sweatbands and gym shorts.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Former NASA Analyst Claims to Have Seen Intelligent Life on Earth

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Deb Burns, a retired geologist and extraterrestrial topography expert, has come forward with claims that she observed intelligent life on the planet Earth during her time working with NASA in the 1970s. Burns claims she witnessed these intelligent beings using their vastly superior knowledge to put other beings on the Moon, as well as use advanced technological devices to probe other regions of the solar system.

“I know it sounds insane,” said Burns, “but I know what I saw. There were teams of men and women using their minds to discover, explore and learn about the world around them. And all of this was happening on Earth.”

Burns says she saw this intelligence a number of times while studying photographs of Mars sent back from the Mariner 9 space probe, as well as images of Venus sent back from Mariner 10.

Other scientists have come forward with similar claims that seem to verify Burns’ statements. According to Hank Buckman, a physicist who helped design some of NASA’s probes, there was an “organization of intelligent minds” existing on Earth as late as the 1990s, which he says he witnessed despite having never worked directly with Burns.

NASA hasn’t yet commented on the matter and the US government has refused to release photos of Earth that might verify the claims. Conspiracy theorists across the nation, however, have become fascinated with the idea.

“Well yeah, of course there’s intelligent life on Earth,” says author and conspiracy theorist Woody Fairbrother who has written books about beings from Earth landing on the Moon. “I’m not sure what happened to it but I know for certain it was there.”

Earth’s apparent lack of intelligence now is an obstacle that many conspiracy theorists like Fairbrother struggle with, but Fairbrother and Burns herself haven’t lost hope.

“Maybe someday it’ll resurface,” Burns said. “I hope it does. Earth is facing a lot of global crises right now and the intervention of intelligent beings would go a long way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Your Favorite Restaurant Chains

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Every business has a few secrets they don’t want you to find out, but we at the Circus Killer News investigative team know how to take out our truth-shovels and start diggin’. Here’s what we discovered about some of the most popular restaurant chains:

 

Chipotle uses expired meat to give you just the right amount of upset stomach.

Contrary to popular belief, there are no Popeye’s restaurants in Louisiana.

Wendy’s only hires redheads.

Upon his father’s death, Sherman Muldoon inherited the world’s largest breadstick quarry. He started Olive Garden as a means of emptying it.

All Chick-fil-a chickens are baptized before being slaughtered.

Ruth’s Chris Steak House offers a menu of only human meat starting at $35,000 per plate.

IHOP was founded by Apple.

Every creature in the lobster tank at Red Lobster is sentient.

KFC still uses slave labor; all of their food is made in overseas sweatshops by indentured workers.

Half of the money Froyo makes goes to anti-LGBTQ activists.

In-N-Out Burger secretly makes their burgers side-to-side.

Originally, the slogan McDonald’s used was “I’m accepting it.”

Abraham Joules was sitting under an apple tree and thinking about how to make bars lamer and more family friendly when an apple fell on his head as a bee stung him at the same time. This inspired him to create Applebee’s.

There is a Terracotta warrior guarding every P.F. Chang’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man Can’t Put Off Haircut Any Longer

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Arthur Mannigan of Blofeld, Virginia, determined this morning that he can’t put off getting a haircut any longer. Arthur initially decided to try and wake up early on Saturday morning to get to Supercuts before the weekend rush. Reflecting on how busy Supercuts is on Saturdays, however, Arthur thought to instead just call in sick tomorrow.

Arthur’s last haircut was at the end of September, and it has since grown longer than he usually wears it. This hadn’t bothered him until his friends and coworkers began verbalizing their opinions of his hair a few weeks ago. The decision to get it cut was officially made this morning when a Starbucks barista mistook Arthur for a woman.

Additionally, Arthur’s wife Carrie has been nagging him to get a haircut for nearly a month now, but Carrie nags about everything so Arthur just sort of tuned it out.

Since the decision, Arthur has been reminding himself all day to place his Supercuts punch card in his wallet when he gets home since he’s only two away from a free haircut. He’s written reminders to himself about the card on his phone, full well knowing that he’s probably going to forget it anyway. Arthur has also been trying to recall the name of the stylist who last worked on him so that he can request her because out of every other stylist there, she talks the least.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.