News

Teenage Protagonist’s Test Scores Through the Roof

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Mitchell Harlow, a 16-year-old boy currently attending an inner-city high school in the Bronx, amazed some of his teachers yesterday when his standardized test scores placed him in the top five percentile of other students his age across the country. Mitchell’s math teacher, however, was not surprised by the score’s results.

“Mitchell doesn’t try very hard,” Mitchell’s math teacher Deborah Swinton reportedly said during a Parent-Teacher Conference with Mitchell’s single mother who’s struggling to balance three jobs. “But he’s a bright boy. He only pretends to be unintelligent to fit in with the other boys his age.”

Ms. Swinton then recommended that Mitchell be placed in advanced classes, however Mitchell’s mother is against this idea and wants her son to leave school and find a job so he can help raise his younger siblings.

This of course has left Mitchell conflicted. Deep down the high school student wants to continue his scholastic career and eventually go to college despite peer pressure from his friends to ignore schoolwork. At the same time, Mitchell feels that staying home and helping his mother is the right thing to do for the family, despite his youngest sibling urging him to continue schooling because she no longer can due to a generic, chronic illness.

Mitchell will presumably have the spend the course of the next few months battling these internal conflicts over a period of short, minutes-long interactions and occurrences that total to about two hours while trying to win the respect of his peers and acceptance of his mother. Also Ms. Swinton could be played by Sandra Bullock.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Revolutionary Catholic Church Offering Drive-Thru Confessions

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The St. Augustine Catholic Church in Oklahoma became the first religious establishment in the world to offer drive-thru confessions with its revolutionary “absolve-and-go” window that opened yesterday.

“I think it’s a terrific idea,” said local resident Dawn Chaffee who hadn’t been to a confessional in over 10 years. “I stopped going because I got so busy, what with the McGriddle and all. This way I can just drive up and ask for forgiveness without even leaving my car.”

The church’s head priest, Monsignor Faraday, claims he got the idea while running errands that included stopping at the bank, drug store, baldness treatment clinic, and finally a fast food restaurant for lunch. All of these places were drive-thru accessible; Faraday never had to leave his car.

“You don’t have to get out of your car for food, money, drugs or hair-plugs,” said Faraday. “Why should you have to leave your car for Jesus?”

The St. Augustine church has already seen a tremendous increase in church attendance within just one day of opening the absolve-and-go window. Monsignor Faraday has reportedly had a difficult time keeping up with the influx of sinners.

“In order to cope we’re thinking of opening a second window,” said Faraday. “We’ll try to have it installed sometime next month as a ‘10 sins or fewer’ express window.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best iPhone Apps

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The Apple App Store is filled with a vast assortment of useful and entertaining apps. It can be difficult to tell which of them are a waste and which are worth your time and your money, so Circus Killer decided to check out the best apps there are and give you a brief rundown of what they do. Here are the current best 15 apps for the iPhone.

 

1. Letters with Buds – A classic board game that became a mobile app so you can play it with your friends and family but not have to speak with any of them.

2. Foot Meat – A hook-up app for people with foot fetishes.

3. ReadyRazor – Turns your phone into an electric razor.

4. RealSitter Pro – Makes your phone or tablet mimic a babysitter so you don’t have to hire a real one.

5. Motiv-8 – Motivates users into working out by showing what they’ll look like after 8 years of their current diet and exercise habits.

6. Kredit D-Struktor – A mobile game that automatically charges you 15 cents for every minute it’s on your phone.

7. Peanut Alarm – Primarily used for people with peanut allergies, this app produces a blaring, constant honking noise whenever the user is in the presence of peanuts.

8. Macy Place – Posts random pictures of William H. Macy ten times a day.

9. 4-Foot Vacancies – Identifies unpopulated areas in your vicinity in which a body could be buried quickly.

10. Bejeweled – The free game that was stolen by a company that cannot be named for copyright reasons and was rebranded into a horrible knockoff that became an overnight worldwide sensation but that also cannot be named for copyright reasons.

11. Brown Swipe – Tells users exactly how much to wipe after sending an image of their bowel movements.

12. Shoe Mobile – Makes realistic shoe noises when the user walks around with their phone taped to the bottom of their shoe.

13. Shoe Mobile Swift – Does the same thing as Shoe Mobile only no sound is produced.

14. Doomsday Counter – Counts down to the apocalypse (December 21st, 2012).

15. Zombie Detector – Locates other iPhone users in your immediate area.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Veteran Smokers Amused by Nonsmoker’s First Attempts

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Veteran smokers are greatly amused by watching nonsmokers try to smoke for the first time, according to a new study.

The study, which was performed over the course of four years at the University of Texas, put groups of smokers in isolated rooms with one or two nonsmokers and studied the smokers’ reactions shortly after introducing the habit to the nonsmokers. In every case, the nonsmokers hacked and coughed when trying cigarettes for the first time, causing the veteran smokers to cackle like hyenas and in some cases make petty insults. Shortly into the experiments, a hypothesis was made.

“It seemed that, in the mind of a smoker, there was nothing more amusing than watching an amateur poorly accomplish a task that they’ve never attempted before,” said lead researcher Dr. Sarah Reymond. “So we decided to take it one step further.”

The researchers then observed the actions of smokers when the nonsmokers attempted to change the oil of a car for the first time. Not surprisingly, the smokers again responded with obnoxious laughter and petty insults. The same results came when the experiment was modified further, having the nonsmokers attempt to discharge a firearm or ride a motorcycle for the first time.

Astonishingly, however, the results were different when groups of nonsmokers were made to observe one or two smokers try to do things they had never done before, such as brushing their teeth or reading a book. The reaction of the nonsmokers in those experiments was characterized as “bored and uninterested.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #02

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 23rd, 2028 – Google’s Hostile Takeover of Planet Earth Goes Off Without Hitch

Google’s hostile takeover of the entire planet officially ended last week in what experts are saying is the most successful and efficient business transaction in the whole of human history. This according to a board of business analysts, all of whom are of course now owned by Google along with the rest of the world. Many view the move was inevitable since Google took over the food industry in 2021 with the invention of Google Water, followed by its monopoly on the both the energy and medical industry after the success of Google Oil and Google Compliancy, respectively. Additionally, saying the word “Google” 10 times within one piece of written text awards any person 1 day’s extra Google Rations. Google.

 

2. October 11th, 2078 – Medicinal LSD Now Legal in 14 States

This morning, Delaware became the 14th US state to legalize LSD, a powerful and potentially harmful hallucinogen, for medicinal purposes to be prescribed by a doctor. Controversy over the drug’s legality spurred when a study released nearly 30 years ago revealed that LSD can help fight cancer, stop the progression of dementia and combat severe boredom. Drug experts believe that LSD’s growing acceptance is premature since the long-term effects of the hallucinogen have not yet been properly studied. This according to a group of flying purple horses that melted through my bedroom wall playing Paul Simon’s greatest hits on lyres.

 

3. November 6th, 2312 – First Half-Hispanic Transgendered Cyborg Woman with One Mole on her Face Elected as US President

Last night’s election results are in and it appears that Penelope Matrix Ortega will be taking office as the first half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg woman with one mole on her face this January. This is a huge victory for the half-Hispanic transgendered cyborg women with one mole on their faces community and a large step in the right direction for ethnic, gender, mechanized, sexual, and singular blemish equality. This was also one of the closest elections in the last 40 years with Ortega just beating her opponent Slurge Dirkman by two points. Slurge would’ve been the second space slug to be elected president in US history.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Archeological Evidence Suggests Library of Alexandria Never Went Digital

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The Ancient Library of Alexandria lost all its thousands of texts during an infamous fire nearly 2000 years ago because the institution never made the transition over to digital, archeologists say. Though this had always been a theory, newly uncovered evidence seems to prove that the Library’s failure to upgrade its system is the primary cause for the loss of its literature.

“Everyone sort of understood that not digitally backing up their archives was the main reason why the fire that destroyed the Library was so fatal,” said archeologist Dan Rhyback, head of the team that discovered this new evidence. “Now, we finally have something that shows why this fatal mistake occurred.”

That something is an ancient Comcast modem that seems to have fallen into disrepair. Miraculously the antique device can still be turned on, however it does not appear to transmit or receive any signal.

“When we plug it in,” said Rhyback as he demonstrated how to use the device, “we can see that the ‘Power’ light turns on automatically so it appears to be working. However if you look at this flashing ‘US/DS’ light, we can see that there is no strong connection with any internet provider.”

At first glance it may look like the device is working, but in fact the flashing ‘US/DS’ light indicates that the modem is malfunctioning in some way, and perhaps never worked properly at all.

“Nothing seems to give the device any signal,” said Rhyback. “We’ve tried unplugging it and plugging it back in, hitting the little ‘Reset’ button on the back, nothing.”

The archeologists also uncovered a small basement underneath the site where a phone was found on hold with Comcast tech support for the last 2000 years, which further supports the theory.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Declares State of Emergency as City Runs out of Booze on St. Patrick’s Day

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The city of Boston ran out of alcohol just hours ago on St. Patrick’s Day morning leaving tens of thousands of celebrators furious and sober. Riots have broken out all across the city as Bostonians raid stores and homes in search of alcohol, pots of gold and resolution with their distant fathers.

“In truth the violence isn’t the real problem,” said mayor Dalton Dunley. “We usually see this sort of violence every year and in fact the number of deaths and injuries are usually way higher at this point due to alcohol poisoning. My main concern right now is that those numbers will drastically increase later in the day because of withdrawal. That’s why we’re in a state of emergency.”

President Obama has reportedly ordered FEMA to fly in hundreds of gallons of booze into the city but early estimates don’t think this will be enough.

“We wanna get trucks bringin’ it in,” said Mayor Dunley, “but most of the roads are still closed from all the snow. We tried boats, too, but that whole system’s down for now.”

Ordinarily the immense amount of alcohol that is consumed on St. Patrick’s Day is brought into Boston Harbor via cargo ships, however a group of drunk Bostonians snuck onto a few of these ships early this morning and dumped a lot of the booze into the harbor as an act of protest. Most of them were caught and jailed.

“Yeah we were protesting,” said Dennis McLeary, one of the harbor dumpers. “Joe was protesting that I couldn’t lift a whole barrel of booze, and I was protesting that I could. So we all snuck on and I totally did.”

“Dennis and his friends will be prosecuted when this crisis is over,” said Mayor Dunley. “Until then we will do everything to bring alcohol to the fine people of this city, even if it kills them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Cancun Sinkhole Kills Hundreds of Future Congressmen

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Thousands of college students saw disaster during their spring break when a massive sinkhole opened up in Cancun, swallowing and killing a shocking number of intoxicated business and political science majors.

“I just can’t believe it happened, dude,” said survivor Joey Simmons, a senior at Harvard Business School. “I wasn’t there when it happened ‘cause I was makin’ out with some chick from Ithaca who was Portuguese or Filipino or one of those South America countries, but you could hear it happen. I remember she was like ‘did you hear that?’ and I was like ‘I didn’t say you could talk’ and we kept makin’ out.”

It’s still too early to tell, but some geologists claim that the area became unsettled when thousands of gallons of spilled alcohol mixed with birth control pills, creatine and reproductive fluids that had gathered underground from previous spring breaks. The resulting chemical concoction was a new, unidentified acid that literally dissolved the rocks, dirt and skeletons of forgotten tourists upon which the resort town rested.

“It’s the sort of thing that you see on the news and you’re like ‘OMG I feel so sorry for those people,’” said survivor Amanda Berringer. “But like now, we’re those people. It’s blowing my mind… this isn’t the sort of thing that’s supposed to happen in America.”

The surviving spring break-ers are now attempting to fill in the crater that was Cancun to make a giant nude-only swimming pool to try and salvage what’s left of their week-long party.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Guy at Airport Might Be Dennis Quaid

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Businessman Philip Durst swears he saw actor Dennis Quaid at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport while returning from a business trip yesterday morning. According to Durst, Quaid was waiting in the same terminal for the same flight before receiving a phone call and leaving.

“I was just sitting there and I swear he looked exactly like Dennis Quaid,” said Durst. “So similar that I don’t see how it couldn’t have been him.”

Durst tried to confirm this with the people sitting around him, but the few people he spoke with had never heard of the actor. Durst wanted to ask more people but had already used the 100 words that the TSA allows passengers to bring past security.

“In hindsight I guess I should’ve just approached the guy,” continued Durst. “I’m sure those Hollywood types get that a lot, though. Probably would’ve annoyed him.”

When Durst told his work friends today, however, they all seemed uninterested, reports say.

“I just think it’s weird,” Durst allegedly told his coworkers, “because I just watched the movie Vantage Point like a week ago. And there he was.”

The story was met with a shrug or dismissive, “oh, cool,” from everyone he told it to. This in contrast to when he posted about it on Facebook, where he received an unprecedented 14 likes for the story.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #01

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 20th, 2091 – Donald Trump Eyeing Lunar Presidency

Trillionaire and former US President Donald Trump hinted at the possibility of running for President of the Moon in the upcoming 2092 election. Although no official announcement has been made, rumors say that the 145-year-old has not kicked the taste for political leadership since he ran the People’s Republic of the United States of America of China in the 2070s. Most political strategists think this to be a premature move, however, as the Moon has yet to be declared its own nation. Trump believes that if this were to happen in his lifetime, his experience running nearly twelve businesses on the Moon, including three casinos, is enough for him to be declared a Lunar citizen, or a “Loony.”

 

2. April 1st, 2087 – Oil Discovered on Mars

This morning, the Indian Space Research Organization discovered naturally occurring petroleum deep beneath the surface of Mars while drilling to record the planet’s subterranean crust composition in the Cydonia region. The news came as a shock to the scientific community since petroleum is formed when decaying organic material is subjected to immense heat and pressure over hundreds of millions of years. This is the first real piece of evidence to suggest that life once existed on Mars at some point and in a large quantity. The ISRO has decided to put its efforts into studying the Cydonia region and invites all other space and extraterrestrial programs to join in.

 

3. April 2nd, 2087 – US Troops to Invade Mars,  Spread Democracy

The United States announced today that it will be sending troops to Mars in an effort to spread democracy. The Press Secretary said in a press release this morning that the barren, lifeless rock of a planet “lacks any real governing body and evidence suggests it’s harboring a slew of terrorist groups, especially the one that just did that attack.” The Press Secretary then revealed in a Reddit AMA that the focus of the incursion will be Mars’ Cydonia region.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.