Month: February 2015

Six Dead in Sam’s Club Chocolate Avalanche

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Tragedy struck Haverford, Pennsylvania, when the chocolate isle of a Sam’s Club collapsed last Friday, trapping over a dozen customers who were shopping for Valentine’s Day.

The collapse occurred Friday afternoon, mostly trapping married men who waited to the last minute to pick up something for Valentine’s Day. Rescue efforts extended late into the night because most of the chocolate had become unboxed and unwrapped during the avalanche and needed to be tediously rewrapped and repackaged once removed from the pile.

Eleven people of the seventeen who were caught in the avalanche survived by eating their way out.

“It was the most horrifying experience of my life,” said Daniel Oldhardt, one of the survivors. “And then I remembered what I used to tell myself in middle school – just keep eating and everything will be alright.”

Evidence suggests that half of the deceased also tried to eat their way out but stopped themselves so as not to spoil their dinner. The other half appear to have felt it was safer not to because they were diabetic.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Surviving the Cold

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The United States is entering one of the worst cold snaps on record.  Many regions will experience temperatures in the negatives with wind gusts of up to 60 miles an hour.  If you’re worried about the cold weather as much as we are,  read these 12 tips for surviving this harsh weekend.

 

1. Your car heater might not be enough during your daily commute,  so bring some logs to generate small fires in your car.

2. Take a vacation to Florida and experience the tropical 45-degree weather.

3. Power may go out so be sure to charge your pacemaker.

4. Snow acts as an excellent insulator,  be sure to leave all your doors and windows open to collect as much of it as possible.

5. Extra clothing always helps so put on some pants when you get home.

6. Keep your sinks and bathtubs flowing with hot water.  This will prevent the pipes from freezing.

7. Electric blankets are a great source of heat and infertility.

8. If you get trapped out in the elements,  don’t be afraid to cut open your Tauntaun and hide its body until the cold passes.

9. Think about warm places like Syria and Iraq.

10. Hibernate.

11. Wear a bikini when you go out.  You might catch nature off guard.

12. Snuggle up with someone to keep warm.  If you’re single,  live alone and leave your home often,  write your address in the comments section below.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nation Strives to Remain Gutten-Free

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A social media campaign went viral earlier this week that urges people to boycott all movies starring actor Steve Guttenberg. Initially, the campaign was started by mistake when a popular online fitness brand tweeted “Down with Gutten,” which was autocorrected from “Down with Gluten.” The poster of the original tweet apologized and tweeted a correction, however the original tweet was retweeted and favorited so much that the “Gutten Free” online campaign was born.

Known colloquially as “the poor man’s Bill Murray,” Steve Guttenberg was a comedy actor in the 1980s who fell out of stardom when curly hair stopped being acceptable. He still acts today, but is too old for a leading role.

Since the campaign started, many movie watchers have completely cut Gutten out of their movies. Some fast-forward through parts of movies that are high on Gutten, while others have vowed to avoid Gutten-enriched movies altogether.

Early this afternoon, many film reviewers have come forward saying that the Gutten Free campaign isn’t based on anything factual, and that most people are just hopping onto the craze without understanding who Steven Guttenberg really is.

“The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with watching a little bit of Gutten every day,” says New York Times film reviewer David Costanelli. “Gutten isn’t ideal, of course, but it won’t kill you and isn’t inherently bad in any way.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Addictive Mobile Game Lets Users Sell Objects from their Homes to Continue Playing

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A new mobile game for iPhone and Android called “Kake Kruncher,” went viral in the last week due to its innovative new feature that allows players to trade household objects and furniture for the ability to progress to other levels.

“It’s an amazing concept and an excellent feature,” says blogger Andre Stausberg who spends his days reviewing iPhone apps. “What I love about it is that it lets players get rid of their possessions on their own terms. Most mobile games force you to pay a small fee to unlock other levels or modes, but those fees add up over time and usually end in debt and the repossession of property from stores or banks. It’s great to finally have a game that doesn’t waste your time and just gets right to the point.”

Kake Kruncher was developed by a company called “StackBab Media,” whose claim to fame is taking games that already exist, prettying them up, and then branding and marketing them more successfully than the original games.

Rumors are circulating that StackBab will be releasing an update shortly that will allow players to unlock the entire game by selling their homes.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Older Child Gets to Tell Story

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Tommy Warber, an 8-year-old boy from Harristown, Virginia, was greatly disappointed yesterday when his older brother Ray told their parents an awesome story that the brothers had agreed Tommy would tell. Tommy views this blatant disregard for their verbal contract as a betrayal of the highest degree.

“Ray promised I could tell the story and you’re not supposed to break your promises,” said Tommy. “Unless you’re a meanie, then you are. And my brother’s a meanie.”

The story in question is that the two brothers saw each other in school in between classes. This is an unusual occurrence because Tommy is in second grade and his brother is in fourth, and students in those grades have class at opposite ends of the building. The brothers ran into each other because Ray’s class had to attend a presentation on bullying in the library.

“It’s not fair,” continued Tommy. “Ray always gets to tell the stories. I never get to tell them. He says it’s ‘cause he’s older but we’re brothers so I should get a turn too.”

Tommy’s parents have not intervened on the matter and in fact seemed uninterested in the story. This, according to Tommy, is because his parents “have just been really quiet since mommy saw dad hugging Dave S.’s mom at soccer.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman’s Unfinished Screenplay Only Conversation Topic During Entire Night Out

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25-year-old Millicent Ferris was spotted in a Manhattan bar last Saturday where she reportedly spent every conversation talking about her unfinished screenplay. Every stranger Millicent spoke with that evening has come forward admitting that it was about the most boring night out any of them had experienced.

“On and on she was going with this movie thing,” said Dave Tucci, one of the men Millicent conversed with. “I was like, good God, lady, if this is what you’re like the night of, I don’t even want to know what you’re like the morning after.”

Millicent graduated college with a degree in finance but has spent the last three years unemployed so that she has time to work on her screenplay. Millicent moved to New York shortly after graduating to “be inspired” and “ease her tortured soul” while she lives off of checks her parents send.

“Yeah, I’m a creative,” said Millicent. “I like to express myself. It’s not my fault if nobody listens to my voice or what I have to say, whether or not it’s about the screenplay I’m working on. It’s called ‘Ghosts of Our Mothers’ and it’s about this girl who moved to New York and she’s trying to write a screenplay but she doesn’t really know what it’s about…”

Millicent continued on to tell us about her screenplay. Now this is just one reporter’s opinion, but it’s a confusing piece of hippie garbage that I wouldn’t even watch inebriated.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 18 Most Interesting Moments in the Life of Brian Williams

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Recently,  NBC news anchor Brain Williams claimed to be in a US military helicopter when it crashed in Iraq.  The claim turned out to be false,  leading to an investigation in some of Williams’ other reports,  including his coverage of Hurricane Katrina.  The reporter’s life,  however,  is apparently full of astonishing stories that can be found in his autobiography,  “The Life of Brian.”  Here are 18 of the more interesting incidents from Williams’ life.

 

1. Shadowed Seal Team 6 on the night Osama bin Laden was killed.

2. Physically tore down the Berlin wall.

3. Played one of the penguins featured in  “March of the Penguins.”

4. Beat the Elite Four in  “Pokémon: Silver edition”  in under six hours.

5. Became the first of two people to have sex in space (along with his co-pilot Jennifer Aniston).

6. Inspired the events depicted in  “Taken 3.”

7. Wrote Tina Turner’s  “What’s Love Got to Do with It.”

8. Met Bruce Wayne at a charity function some years ago.

9. Won The Voice.

10. Rode to Lexington,  Massachusetts,  to warn Samuel Adams and John Hancock that the British were coming.

11. Once hunted ghosts with Dan Aykroyd,  Harold Ramis and  “A Black One.”

12. Broke up with Taylor Swift,  inspiring five of her songs.

13. Rescued those hostages at Nakatomi Plaza.

14. Was the first to report on the death of Julius Caesar.

15. Founded Starbucks.

16. Survived the Death Star explosion.

17. Died on the cross for the sins of mankind.

18. Reported the news on NBC.

Brian Williams also claimed to have created the internet and buried Jimmy Hoffa,  but Al Gore has come forward claiming responsibility for both of these things.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Tech-Illiterate Mother Insists Computers a Passing Fad

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Jeanne Harlow of Cattletuck, Nebraska, accounts her refusal to own and learn how to operate a computer on her belief that digital technology is just a trend.

“Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before,” said Harlow, “but you just watch. All this ‘technology’ and ‘internet connections’ will be gone by the end of the year.”

Harlow is a mother of six and lives in a predominately rural community that only just got dial-up internet last month. Many people in her community have since welcomed the town’s passage into the low-speed internet superhighway, but Harlow simply isn’t buying it.

“They said the same thing with the automobile and look what happened with that? The car came out and replaced it,” Harlow continued. “That’s why it’ll never stick, people will just get fed up with what they don’t understand until something new comes out and they’ll throw it away. It’s the same with computers and cell phones.”

Harlow’s children are upset with their mother for forbidding technology in their home. One of her daughters created a fake cell phone out of cardboard and a shard of broken glass just to fit in with the other children at her school.

“My family got along fine without all this technological crap,” said Harlow. “For generations we survived without these iPhones, video-whats-its and toilet paper. We’ll get along just fine for generations more.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Poughkeepsie Pete Consumes Blade of Grass

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Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a holiday in which America celebrates its most beloved groundhog Punxsutawney Phil as he helps us to determine when winter will end this year.

Today, America celebrates its second most beloved rodent, Poughkeepsie Pete. As we all know, Pete is a chipmunk who every February 3rd is observed climbing down out of his tree to forage for nuts. If during this process Pete never eats a single blade of grass, then the world is safe for another year. If, however, Pete plucks a blade of grass out of the ground and eats the entire thing, then Zerodax the Consumer will ride to Earth on a meteor and swallow the planet before the end of spring.

The tradition was started by 15th century cultists who settled in an area that is now Poughkeepsie, New York. Since then the cult has dissipated, but its traditions and values have taken root in the town and neighboring communities. Though few still worship and sacrifice to Zerodax, many still believe in Him and that His coming can be foretold by Poughkeepsie Pete, or “The Critter of Damnation.”

Pete has been known to nibble on some grass a few times, but this is the first year in recorded history that he has finished an entire blade. The townsfolk of Poughkeepsie as well as everyone across the nation who believes in the prophecy have taken this as a sure sign of the End Times. Riots have been sprouting up in small towns across the nation as looters have taken to the streets in an attempt to stock up for the Coming of the Consumer.

A number of Americans still don’t believe that all is lost, however, hoping that Hoboken Herbert, a rat better known as America’s third most beloved rodent, will emerge from his dumpster and attempt to bite off his own tail, as this is a sign that Zerodax’s meteor has been deflected.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Patriots Cheat to Win Super Bowl Using Divine Intervention

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Super Bowl XLIX took place yesterday with the New England Patriots beating the Seattle Seahawks 28 to 24, however the Patriots’ win was met with outrage this morning when it came to light that members of the team had been praying to God to assure their victory.

It was confirmed that every one of the players spent a considerable amount of time praying to God before the game. Additionally, quarterback Tom Brady reportedly led the team in a prayer in the locker room moments before coming out onto the field.

Although this was a clear violation of the NFL’s policy on performance enhancements, the news did not come as a shock to most football fans. This has been the third time that the Patriots have cheated this season. The most recent time was during the NFC championship game in which members of the coaching staff deflated all 12 footballs that the team used throughout the game. The first account of cheating by the Patriots this season was when they were caught using mind control devices to help win a game against the Green Bay Packers in early October.

Agitated Seahawks fans are demanding blood but the League refuses to acknowledge the act as a form of cheating.

“There is nothing in the rules that forbid the usage of divine intervention during an official game,” said NFL spokesman Chad M. Matthews. “There’s a stipulation about witchcraft, the occult and several Hindu gods for some reason, but nothing about using the Almighty.”

God Himself has yet to respond to the allegations but is rumored to have been spotted attending the Super Bowl wearing a Patriots hat. This, however, has not been confirmed.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.