Author: circuskiller

Theme Restaurant Opens for Parents who Miss their Kids

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A new theme restaurant called “Yungins” has opened up in Illinois designed specifically for parents who miss their children while out on a date away from them. The interior of the restaurant is designed to mirror that of a home with toddlers, complete with paint and crayons smeared on the walls, plastic toys strewn about the establishment, and numerous refrigerators with scribbled drawings of animals and relatives attached with magnets acquired during vacations.

“It just gives you such a homey feeling,” said Beth Wellerman, a stay-at-home mom of three. “We always talk about going out and getting away from the kids but you really start to miss all this cluttered, pointless shit everywhere.”

The restaurant is also fashioned with hidden speakers that constantly play the sounds of children yelling, whining and crying in order to complete the ambiance.

“We want to give parents the feeling that they’re with their children, even when they’re not,” says restaurant owner and founder Melissa Grossman. “Most parents will say that they want a break from their kids, but our restaurant gives those parents an opportunity to face their mistakes head on.”

Yungins’ complete menu consists solely of gourmet chicken tenders, grilled cheese and pizza. Only soda is served and an ice cream sundae for desert is mandatory.

“I’m not at all surprised by how well we’re doing,” continued Melissa. “And it’s such a fun, simple little concept, too. Really the only hard part is keepin’ all the perverts away.”

Yungins also welcomes adults who aren’t parents to stop inside and take a look at the nightmare they can spend the rest of their lives narrowly avoiding.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Increase of Mandatory Cameras on Police Uniforms Forcing Officers to Resort to Verbal Abuse

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With the recent, dramatic and unexplained increase in police brutality, many police forces are requiring their officers to wear cameras on their vests at all times so that cases of physical abuses of power can be recorded. Most of these cameras do not come equipped with microphones, however, resulting in a growing number of law enforcement officers to instead verbally abuse suspects with the same amount of brutality as physical force would have.

“I guess it started with him calling me names,” says Brian Watkins, a 30-year-old mechanic charged with verbally assaulting a police officer. “I was not speaking; I did not do anything to provoke him. And then out of the blue he starts calling me names. ‘Nerd,’ ‘freakazoid,’ ‘poop breath,’ things that really get to you.”

Watkins is not the only one. Other men have come forward with similar stories.

“I was just walking down the street, minding my own business,” says Dave Peterson. “Then I start hearing the racial slang. ‘Cracker,’ ‘whitey,’ things like that. I turned around and it was a police officer, but what shocked me most is that he was white. And I’m white. He was being racist against his own goddamn race. At one point he told me that it was a slow week and he had to abuse someone in someway and I was just there.”

Many city officials have begun drafting plans to have microphones attached to the vests of law enforcement officers as well, but most speculate that the truly racist and motivated members of any police force will take the time to learn American Sign Language if it means being able to abuse or talk down to someone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #08 – The Olson Twins; John Travolta; Ricky Gervais

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. “Full House” Revival to be Centered Around Neurotic, Damaged Olson Twins

The rumored revival of the hit 1990s sitcom Full House was officially confirmed yesterday, with the show apparently set around the tragic and embarrassing lives of the Olson twins. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson were on the show as toddlers, and upon becoming teenagers started on an infamous downward spiral laced with drugs, alcohol and hurtful jokes on late night comedy shows. The Olson’s played the same character on Full House so it’s unclear how they’ll explain that there’s really two of them. What do you think? Clone, evil twin or shape-shifting goblin?

 

2. John Travolta Admits Belief in Scientology was Just Acting

John Travolta broke his silence yesterday when he admitted that he never actually bought into Scientology, rather he had the entire entertainment world believing that he did in an effort to improve as an actor. This came as a shock to literally no one because cults are dumb. More actors, however, have come forward with similar claims leading many to suspect that Scientology is not a real belief or religion, rather a ridiculous fictional concept devised as a tool for actors to use to hone their skills and push the limits of believability. No word yet from Scientology Pope Julius Cavanaugh, of whom there are no pictures. He has of course been living in a sealed cave beneath the  “Hollywood”  sign for the last 87 years.

 

3. Ricky Gervais Admits that he Turns Into an Animal Every Night

Comedian Ricky Gervais made the shocking announcement that he is in fact a wereperson, or a human being who frequently and often involuntarily transforms into an animal. This information serves to explain the actor’s status as a renowned animal rights activist as well as his recent Twitter argument with hunter Rebecca Francis and her controversial photo in which she poses grinning next to a dead giraffe. Gervais admits he has spent many nights as a giraffe and hopes non-werepeople will soon make a change in their cruel, uncaring attitude towards the peaceful animals with whom they share the Earth.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Join us next Tuesday where we find out how many coins it takes to throw at Sean Penn before he completely loses it.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Can’t Work the TV

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Reports are coming in that area mother Susan Fink still does not know how to work the television set that has been in her family’s living room for over a decade. Susan’s family is getting pretty tired of having to teach the stay-at-home mom which buttons on the remote do certain things.

“She doesn’t understand that the cable and the television both have to be on,” says Susan’s son Jared. “It’s not a complicated process. There’s one button that turns on the whole system and she frequently forgets to use it.”

“Every time she wants to watch something, one of us has to stop what we’re doing and help,” says Susan’s daughter Amanda. “She’ll call me on the phone to ask what channel the Food Network is on. The guide is literally on the table next to her! She only watches that and the home improvement channel, how hard is it to memorize two numbers?”

Scientists and researchers have gathered to try and figure out why Susan has so much trouble with only this one household appliance and no others, but at this point most can only speculate.

“It could be some sort of internal brain damage,” said neurologist Dr. Dean Camper, an expert in abnormal brain functions. “I had a patient once who completely forgot about the letter ‘k,’ he would simply spea without it when he taled. Or another patient I had who was unable to recall anything from before he was born. We might be dealing with something similar to those cases.”

Susan herself was unavailable to comment, but she was available to follow this blog and reblog this post.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Talkative Workmate Completely Ruining Game of Thrones

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The newest episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones aired last night, becoming the primary conversational subject around the office just like every Monday during the months that new episodes are released. Lately, however, this chatter has started to ruin the show for many longtime Game of Thrones fans in a local Milwaukee office.

Geoffrey Frederman from the human resources department started watching the series when the newest season aired last Sunday without seeing any of the previous four seasons, reports say. Geoffrey has of course become obsessed with the groundbreaking series, however his naïve take on the events depicted in the last two episodes is really starting to ruin things for everybody.

“Man, I didn’t know that attractive guy with the gold hand had three kids with that mean blond lady,” Geoffrey reportedly told several coworkers. “I guess he’s also a horrible person for not raising his kids. Why did they make all the blonds just the worst?”

Everyone in the office who watches the show has decided not to fill Geoffrey on the last four seasons because it would just take way too much time.

“I don’t want to explain why Peter Dinklage is a drunk fugitive or why ‘the hot one with the white hair’ has all these dragons flying about,” said Jan from accounting. “It’s the fifth year of this damn show, he should know this stuff by now.”

Other people in the office have sworn off of the show until they finish reading the books, but Geoffrey was not even aware that a book series existed until last week. Geoffrey has miraculously managed to avoid all spoilers for the entire series, which annoys everyone in the office more.

“Everyone knows what happened to Ned Stark,” continued Jan. “Everyone. People who have never even heard of Sean Bean knows what happened to Ned Stark. Goddammit.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 20th, 2015

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Your horoscope for the week of April 20th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve always done things with good intentions at heart. Make sure everyone hears that; maybe if there isn’t enough evidence the jury won’t convict you.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Be thankful for the things you have, like credit card debt and herpes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Later this week it will feel like someone is trying to get close to you and you keep pushing them away, but what’s a nightclub without a few perverts who use their hands a bit too much?

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You need to start standing up for yourself. Not every store is motorized-scooter accessible.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your life will be changed forever this weekend when you will be magically turned into a sea creature.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t move… it’s on your shoulder…

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately you’ve been feeling jealous of someone close to you. Why should she get to have your dream guy? Why is she allowed to have your dream house and your dream job and your dream life? Don’t you deserve them, too? Don’t you deserve her perfect life? Of course you do, but she’s taking it away from you. She’s taking away your chance at having a dream guy, and a dream house and perfect job and a perfect life. You need to start taking from her, Libra. You need to take all of those things from her. All of them…

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Do you really think you could spend the rest of your life with someone who listens to jazz? I say dump him.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): No, you don’t need another goddamn sweater for your dog.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You are a larger-than-life kind of person. Seriously consider dieting, it’s really starting to affect your health.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You will be pressured into doing something that you really don’t want to do, but you know in your heart that you’re a woman and your penis isn’t going to remove itself.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Watch out for Libra this week. She’s fucking crazy.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 3)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’ve participated in human trafficking on multiple yachts owned by three different Bush’s. I write to you, the weaker, lesser man, with a few rules to follow that could help you become better than whatever you’re trying to be now.

Recently I have been going over the subject of how to eat successfully. First, I instructed how a real man orders his food. Then I informed you how to properly engage in meal-worthy conversation. This week I conclude my eating tutorial with the final and least important part of the eating process.

 

3. Eating. Within five minutes of your food being set down on the table in front of you, send it back. Sending back your food is a power play that reminds everyone at the table that you are in charge and that both the serving staff and kitchen staff are beneath you. Occasionally there are times when sending your meal back once isn’t enough, so be prepared to do this multiple times. You know you are dining with powerful, knowledgeable men when everyone at the table sends their meal back four, five, even six times before anyone takes a bite.

I will not discuss the mechanics of eating because this is something you should have mastered by the time you were six, unless you are a natural success like myself who mastered eating by the time I was two weeks old. There are things to keep in mind while eating, however, which will make the difference between an ordinary man and a successful man.

Posture is important. Sit up straight throughout the entire course of the meal. An erect state always suggests power but it is also easier to keep your food down if there still happen to be pieces of buckshot in it. It is only acceptable to eat while reclining if you are dining with a Jew or a woman with whom you have already had intercourse, although ideally you would never see such a woman in public again.

Your arms should be down with your elbows at a 50º angle, your feet firmly planted on the ground, and your manhood encroaching into your right pant leg. Your eyes should always be fixed on the person with whom you are conversing at any given moment. At no point should you look at your meal except for the first cut into the meat you are eating to make sure it is as red as Donald Trump’s face before his creamer administers his whitening cream.

Additionally, never belch or hiccup. The only things that should leave a man’s body are excrement and diamonds you may have swallowed during one of Warren Buffett’s rare mineral tastings. Although napkins are designed to wipe excess food crumbs from your mouth and hands, no successful, self-respecting man should use one unless you plan on offering it to a female companion once she starts crying due to her femininity.

 

This concludes my instructions on how to eat successfully. I will continue this column with another tutorial next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Teen Survives Car Wreck, Lives to Tweet About It

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16-year-old Rhode Islander Caitlyn Summers nearly died yesterday on her way home from school when swerved off the road and hit a tree after being distracted by her phone.

“It’s really a miracle that she wasn’t injured any more than she was,” said first responder Dale Earle. “The car is completely totaled and somehow she walks away without a scratch.”

Immediately following the incident, Caitlyn crawled out of the wreck, phone in hand, and began taking pictures to upload onto Instagram and Facebook instead of calling 911. Caitlyn then started posing next to the wreck and talking “selfies” to send to her Snapchat friends.

Caitlyn then started to tweet about her car accident. Reports say that other drivers passed by Caitlyn and stopped to ask if she needed assistance or to see if emergency services were on their way.

“Oh-em-gee get out of my face!” Caitlyn reportedly told one passerby. “I’m literally tweeting right now and you’re being all up in my shit like some perv.”

Eventually emergency services were dispatched. First responders came arrived at the scene to witness Caitlyn recording a Vine in which she attempted to reenact the crash. Paramedic Dale Earle says the hardest thing to do was tear the teenager away from her phone.

“We were checking to see if she might have been in shock, and amazing she seemed to react pretty normally while she was using her phone. It was when the device was taken away from her that she suddenly became catatonic.”

Caitlyn’s friend Meagan, who was in the passenger seat at the time of the accident, has been in a coma ever since.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #06

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. December 4th, 2068 – NASA Scientist Believes Alien Life Could Be Discovered Any Minute Now

NASA Scientist Jill Forrester announced yesterday that she believes alien life could be discovered “any minute now” during a press conference with a panel of NASA’s top scientists. The search for extraterrestrial life has been part of NASA’s mission for some time now, however it has thus far yielded no results. Forrester assured everyone that the search is definitely nearing an end, and that “there’s gotta be microbes or something on one of these other damn planets, really.”

 

2. August 1st, 2104 – Eating Chocolate in Bed No Longer a Sin, Says Pope

Pope George made an historic announcement yesterday when he decreed that eating chocolate in bed is in fact not a sinful act. Many Catholics around the world were relieved by this news; studies indicate that 7 out of every 10 people who keep a bar of emergency backup chocolate on their nightstand end up devouring it within just 3 days. Numerous members of the Catholic Church have spoken out against Pope George, saying he’s too lenient on the rules and that if people don’t feel guilty over these sorts of things they’ll no longer be pressured into sticking with their beliefs. Since the announcement, the Pope has continuously supported chocolate eaters by citing the newest biblical translation which replaces the word “salvation” with “chocolate.”

 

3. Shmovember 39th, 4681 – Positronic Fuel Rod Prices Hit All Time High

Positronic fuel rod prices shot up to an all time high over the weekend at just over 3.8 million galactic credits for one rod. People across the galaxy have sworn to boycott this increasingly inefficient fuel source and are pleading with the galaxy’s best minds to devise a source of energy that is cheap, renewable and doesn’t switch the polarity of a quantum electrostasis hypersphere engine every time it needs to be replaced. Many Worlders have begun reverting back to the ancient fuel sources of our ancestors like oil, solar, garbage and racism, but none of these things can be mass-produced for the tens of billions who commute to other star systems every day. All are hopeful that a solution can be found before the galaxy’s annual Fleefing.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Even Fucking Jeremy Getting Married Now

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Facebook has been flooded recently with posts announcing the engagements and wedding plans of numerous former friends and classmates from high school, but early reports are coming in that even fucking Jeremy Cooper is among them.

Jeremy, who was known around high school for his antics that included throwing pumpkins at speeding trucks, urinating in the gas tank of the principal’s car and eating a burger found off the side of a highway over a 30 dollar bet, has somehow landed a fiancée before you’ve even had your first serious real-world girlfriend.

Investigations were launched to see if Jeremy’s fiancée “Alyssa Kruger,” who you’ve never even heard of, is in fact an actual person and not someone Jeremy made up. Reports indicate, however, that not only is Alyssa real, she’s also college-educated and far more attractive than any of the three girls you’ve dated seriously.

No one has yet to understand what Alyssa sees in the guy who in high school was known for never being seen with a backpack and owning just three shirts that were all obtained at rock concerts, but many speculate it’s a Green Card marriage or she has some sort of personality disorder, because there’s no goddamn way this is really happening.

Jeremy, who in high school always seemed to smell like morning breath and was voted “Most Likely to Contract Rabies at Least Twice” when he graduated two years late, will likely be sending out wedding invitations sometime next month. Many of his Facebook friends have started taking bets on where the wedding will take place, maybe like the parking lot of the country’s largest Sam’s Club or the hole Jeb Bush was born in or something. Either way the marriage will probably only last like six months, right? It just can’t go a full year. There’s just no way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.