Author: circuskiller

Black Cop Unsure Who to Hate

circuskiller Local News, News , , ,

Officer Travis McCormick, a black police officer from Kentucky, has reportedly had a difficult time figuring out whom to hate ever since police brutality and racial discrimination have become popular topics of media controversy.

“I used to be able to pull over speeders regardless of their race,” said McCormick. “Now I can’t pull over black drivers without feeling guilty or white drivers without being accused of racism.”

McCormick says that everything about his job and his life is starting to revolve around racial unrest, which puts the long-time officer in a general state of confusion.

“Often my fellow officers will joke around and ask me how my day was robbing convenient stores and stealing cars,” continued McCormick. “Then a few black people I meet while I’m in uniform will ask me how my day beating and strangling minorities is going. I don’t do either of those things, and I don’t know which one I find more offensive.”

McCormick has managed to find a positive to being stuck between two worlds, however.

“In my precinct all police officers are required to arrest no less than six black suspects a month. Any officer in this town is lucky to come across six criminals in a year, so usually I just place myself under arrest and then let myself go after letting myself sit in my squad car for a few hours. All the other officers think all black people look the same, so I haven’t been caught yet.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Dinner at Friendly’s Clearly a Big Deal for Family at Other Table

circuskiller Local News, News, Travel , , , , ,

Couple Marcy Allen and Cindy Schumacher became filled with sympathy yesterday when they stopped for dinner at a Friendly’s on their way back from an out-of-state Easter get-together, and realized that the family sitting nearest to them had dressed up for their dinner.

“At first I thought they had maybe been with family all day for Easter like Mark and I had,” said Cindy, “and that’s why they were dressed up. But then the mother told one of the younger children to not play with her food because if she spilled any it would ‘ruin her restaurant clothes.’ That means they dressed out of their Easter wear and put on formal dining clothes just so that they could go to Friendly’s.”

“It’s literally right off the highway,” said Marcy. “There’s no back way into [the restaurant]. That means they all piled into a car and got onto a 4-lane highway just so they could get here. Is there just nothing else where they live or something?”

Marcy and Cindy really started feeling bad for the other family when the restaurant’s only waitress came out to sing a birthday song.

“It wasn’t for any of the kids,” continued Cindy, “it was for the father. He turned 41-years-old yesterday and decided to celebrate at Friendly’s. I mean it just terrifies me that people live that way.”

Marcy and Cindy felt so uncomfortable that they ended up skipping desert, which is really the only reason why anyone goes to Friendly’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 6th, 2015

circuskiller Horoscope , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Your weekly horoscope for April 6th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been feeling more motivated than usual. It’s amazing how far you’ll go when the things you love are held for ransom.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Now that the weather’s getting warm you don’t have an excuse to not go jogging.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I don’t know why the Reverend didn’t choose you to be his Easter Slut this year but it’s like the Reverend says, God thinks you’re ugly. By the way I’m pretty sure you’re in a cult.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Avoid highways this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Lately you feel like you haven’t been your usual outgoing self, but nobody said quitting cocaine was easy.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Low fat options exist, you know.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You feel like you’re in need of a spiritual cleanse. Get one quickly or you’ll be forced to undergo a spiritual enema.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Don’t let every opportunity slip through your fingers, definitely take that extra moment to fill out the survey that Sam’s Club keeps emailing you about.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Be nice to someone this week. It’ll catch your enemies off-guard.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): No, Matzah is not a Jewish money making scheme used to keep the Illuminati Lizard-Men in the White House. Stop reading that blog that the youngest Romney son writes.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Alright, you go for the safe. I’m on crowd control.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like people have been judging you. If only your trial wasn’t being broadcasted on national television…

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Eat Successfully

circuskiller How to Succeed , , , , , , , ,

My name is John Francais Callahan. By the time you finish reading this sentence I’ll have made enough money to buy everything you own out from under you. Instead of destroying you, however, I offer my wisdom on becoming a wealthy, successful and powerful man so that I can create more powerful enemies to destroy at a later date.

Today I will be addressing the topic of eating. Most people know how to do it, unless of course they’ve forgotten due to irreparable brain damage from a horse archery accident like the daughter of one of my billionaire coworkers, but few people know how to do it successfully. Eating correctly is a valuable skill to have because most business deals take place either over meals or during illegal yacht parties in international waters where nude models typically serve food anyway.

Here are some things to keep in mind while eating.

 

1. Ordering. First of all, no meal should ever be eaten in your home. A home cooked meal is for children and immigrants who can’t afford takeout. All of your meals should be eaten in restaurants, on airplanes or off of a blond hooker’s body if you happen to be entertaining some Japanese businessmen in your office.

Your waitress, like most serving staff, should be female. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that their bodies are simply built better for carrying things. But there is a passive, subconscious sexual tango between myself and every waitress who serves me, and it starts with ordering.

Start by ordering the most expensive bottle of brown liquor the establishment has. This will impress everyone in your immediate area and it’s what successful men deserve. If you’re in a restaurant that doesn’t serve any brown liquor then let someone else order for you. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about feminine drinks like wine or water, and even though letting someone else order for you could be misconstrued as a sacrifice of power, it’s always inappropriate to lie unless you’re discussing your income with the IRS.

Next you have to order food. Your entrée needs to have meat, and there are only two kinds of meat you’re allowed to eat – beef, or anything you have hunted and killed personally. Often you will be prompted to order a soup or salad with your meal. Never order salad. Vegetables are just food for actual food, at no point should they pass your lips. Additionally, appetizers are only appropriate if at least one other person in your party is also ordering one. It is imperative, however, that you never “split” or “share” an appetizer. Sharing is a sign of weakness and liberalism, and neither of those things have a place at the table.

 

I will continue this next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Ways You Can Tell Spring is Coming

circuskiller Factual Friday , , , , , , ,

Each day we get a little further from winter and a little deeper into spring. It’s easy to tell that this transition is underway not just because it says so on our calendars, but also because of a few natural processes you can observe happening every year. Here are 14 ways to tell that spring is coming.

 

1. Birds have started chirping again, waking you up at 4 in the goddamn morning.

2. Shirtless douchebags have started playing guitar in the quad.

3. You start thinking that “taking a walk” will be fun somehow.

4. Weird vegetable juices are becoming popular again.

5. All that horrible snow turns into all this horrible rain.

6. You start feeling guilty for staying inside and watching TV all day.

7. Your rich neighbor has started talking about his boat more.

8. There’s just this constant sound of children playing, throwing you into a depressive spiral over your lost youth.

9. The sun is setting later so your commute home sucks now.

10. Attractive people have started to wear about 60% less clothing.

11. There’s a resurgence of golf, tennis and other white people sports.

12. Your eyes have begun watering more than you ever thought possible as your nose starts to generate so much snot that you’re wondering if you’re losing weight somehow.

13. Adorable little fuzzy creatures start popping out – more targets.

14. Bugs.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man’s Resume Just List of Shows He’s Watched

circuskiller Business, Entertainment, Local News, News , , , ,

Years into his search for a job, Blaine Eberts has begun submitting resumes to potential employers that are just a complete lists of television shows he has watched or is currently watching. The people who have received his resume are generally split on whether Blaine has simply given up, or if it’s the most genius career tactic ever conceived.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this,” said the manager of a local grocery that Blaine recently applied to. “I mean, it’s great that he’s fully caught up on Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help him stack shelves.”

“See, this is a brilliant move,” said a Human Resources manager at a Bank of America. “By just submitting this list of television programs, he’s telling me that I’m not worth his time and that he thinks he’s above this position. It shows how badly he wants to move straight to the top and makes me want to hire him more because I now crave his respect.”

In fact, it does appear that Blaine spent a lot of time crafting this unconventional resume. Everything is color-coded and listed by genre, and it includes charts and graphs for elements such as average number of laughs per episode, average number of deaths per episode, average percentage of non-white people and average number of appearances by Nick Kroll.

Blaine was not available to comment; he’s been busy ever since M*A*S*H was added to Netflix streaming.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #04

circuskiller From the Future , , , , , , , ,

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. February 24th, 2023 – New  “Firearms Freedom Act”  passes in Texas

This morning, Texas became the first state to issue a “Firearms Freedom” law that allows businesses to turn down people who aren’t carrying a weapon. The law has been a major point of controversy within the Lone Star State because a growing number of Texans have been finding it difficult to legally acquire a weapon ever since the new background checks were established two years ago. Desperate Texans have reportedly begun frequenting their favorite stores with swords, knives, bats, axes or anything that could be used as a weapon in hopes that they won’t be refused service.

 

2. February 4th, 2020 – New Mattress Able to Sleep by Itself

The Sealy Mattress Company has developed a mattress that is able to sleep by itself. The new mattress was designed for people who are too busy working, travelling or boning strangers to be able to come home and sleep in their own bed. Users of the mattress can set a timer using a dial to gauge how much and how often the mattress sleeps and whether or not it will experience dreams or nightmares. There are also settings for the mattress to undergo experiences such as insomnia, sleep paralysis and bed-wetting.

 

3. November 6th, 2044 – First Gibbon Elected into US Public Office

Professor Seymour Wiggles, a captivity-born gibbon, made history last night in becoming the first monkey ever to be elected into public office. Professor Wiggles will serve for the next two years as one of Oklahoma’s congressional representatives. Wiggles, a Republican, ran under a platform of strengthening family values, minimizing the government, and starting a nationally recognized “Free Banana Friday.” Many of Wiggles’ supporters felt that it was time for a more intellectual representative of “The Sooner State” to take the political reigns, however few understand that “Professor” is just part of the monkey’s name, not an actual title.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Weirdo Answers Honestly When Asked How Things Are at Home

circuskiller Local News, News , , , ,

Corporate accountant Geoffrey Paulson irritated some of his coworkers this morning when he answered honestly after being asked how his home life was going.

“Oh boy, not that great,” Paulson reportedly told a number of coworkers. “I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for a while and I think I finally found evidence of it in her texts.”

It was at this point in Paulson’s story that his coworkers started to regret asking the notoriously honest geek about his home life.

“On top of that my bank just recently froze all of my credit cards so I’m kind of coasting on fumes here. I’m not totally sure how I’m gonna make through the week, honestly.”

Regret mixed with dread at the sound of this news when Paulson’s coworkers started worrying that this sad, lonely acquaintance of theirs might ask for some money. Thankfully, Paulson continued.

“Oh and it turns out my son might be gay. He didn’t actually come out and tell me or anything but I think I caught him making out with a male friend of his. I mean, I don’t have anything wrong with homosexuality or whatever, but I’m not sure if I’m prepared to handle all this, you know? Not all at once anyway.”

Paulson’s coworkers politely shook their heads, reciprocating with a dismissive “Oh, wow, I’m sorry, buddy.” A few made this mistake of leaving with “If you need anything I’m here for you,” which they immediately regretted once receiving a text from Paulson shortly afterwards inviting them out to go bowling over the weekend. None have responded to the text yet.

More on this as it develops.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #05 – Angelina Jolie; Zayn Malik; Trevor Noah

circuskiller Celeb Watch , , , , , ,

Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Announces Plans to Transfer Mind into Robot Body

Actress Angelina Jolie announced this weekend that she plans on “freeing her mind from the fallible shackles of the human condition” by financing the construction of a robot body that she plans to live out of until the end of time. Jolie recently had a double mastectomy when it was discovered that she carried a gene that would make her susceptible to breast cancer, and announced shortly afterwards that she wanted to undergo an operation to remove her ovaries as well. The actress has apparently decided to take things one step further and simply pay a team of scientists to design and build a mechanized body that would be free from disease and decay, into which her mind and thoughts would be transferred so that she may continue to act and spread humanitarian kindness until the end of time.

 

2. “Directioners” Remove 20% of Limbs in Tribute to Departed Band Member

Fans of the boy band One Direction, who call themselves “Directioners,” have been distraught since last week when band member Zayn Malik announced he was leaving the group. With the band shrinking from five members to four, Directioners across the world have begun an internet campaign in which they post pictures and videos of them severing 20% of their own limbs as tribute to the band’s loss. Many Directioners have been hospitalized or even killed as a result of the campaign, while the rest have gathered to construct a new Zayn out of their disembodied limbs to help cope with the loss.

 

3. Comedy Central Tests Fans’ Advocacy of Racial Acceptance

Finally for this week, Comedy Central announced that comedian Trevor Noah will be replacing John Stewart as host of The Daily Show, reportedly in an effort to call the network’s white fans on their bluff of supporting racial equality. Many white fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report didn’t bat an eye when Larry Wilmore was appointed as host of The Nightly Show (which replaced The Colbert Report), however a number of white Comedy Central fans have made passively racist comments on Twitter that aren’t completely offensive but are certainly heading in that direction. Rumor has it that Comedy Central is looking to replace Daniel Tosh as host of his show Tosh.0 with someone like Kevin Hart to see if that will finally push the network’s white fans over the edge.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week for an exclusive interview with the parasite living inside Tara Reid.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Father Brings Wrong Glasses to Daughter’s Recital

circuskiller Local News, News , , , , ,

Area man Duncan Tolapin reportedly attended his daughter’s clarinet recital with his reading glasses instead of his concert glasses. Duncan was forced to compensate for his blurred vision using unconventional means.

At first Duncan had his wife describe what was taking place on stage.

“She’s just sitting there playing,” Duncan’s wife reportedly told her husband. “Her fingers are moving every time she plays a new note, that’s really all there is to see. Just listen.”

Duncan insisted that he had to see his daughter’s performance and not just listen, but his wife refused to help because all the talking they were doing was agitating the other parents sitting near them.

In the middle of the performance, Duncan began walking up and down the rows of seats to find a point at which his eyes would be able to see his daughter clearly. This angered other parents and Duncan was talked into returned to his seat. On the way back, Duncan began crawling up behind parents on his hands and knees to pickpocket glasses from other parents in hopes that someone would have his lens size. This also went fruitlessly.

Finally Duncan found a solution that bothered no one. Once he returned to his seat, Duncan found that he had been sitting five rows behind a parent who was holding her iPhone above her head to record the entire concert. Duncan was able to take out his own iPhone and zoom in on the other parent’s iPhone, giving a clear, close up image of his daughter.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.