Special Reports

SPECIAL REPORT: Friday the 13th

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , , , , , ,

Tomorrow is that dreaded day that comes every few months and brings bad luck to everyone around you No, I’m not talking about when your certifiable ex finds out which state you’re living in, I’m talking about Friday the 13th.

Throughout Western society, Friday the 13th has been associated with superstition, misfortune, and ‘Miss Fortune,’ who is a stripper that incorporates fortune cookies into her routine. Throughout Eastern society, Friday the 13th is just a normal day. In this article we’ll take a look behind the meaning of the more popular superstitions associated with Friday the 13th, as well as ways to protect yourself from toxic bad luck.

But first, some history. Friday the 13th started in Europe in the year 1313, on the thirteenth day of the month of Blumkrember, shortly before the Catholic Church declared that there were only twelve months in a year. A series of murders occurred in the British kingdom of Crystal Lake that related to the death of a young monarch named King Jason Voorhees. Evidence suggests the deaths were perpetrated by the victim’s mother, but they happened in such a way that they were all deemed bad luck instead of murders. Over the centuries, the date has been obfuscated into a day of supernatural woe.

One of the more well known Friday the 13th traditions is the belief that cracking a mirror will bring seven years of bad luck. In fact, this belief comes from the ancient Romans who did not know that mirrors were not people. Every Roman believed that he or she had an evil twin, and that it was this twin who was looking back at them through a window; they had no idea what reflections were. It was believed that if you broke a mirror, you were actually breaking your twin’s body, and that it would take up to seven years to heal.

Crossing under a ladder is another superstition associated with Friday the 13th. According to the myth, if you walk under a ladder, you might end up landing on a chute that will take you all the back to the twenty-fourth space.

There is also the tradition that crossing paths with a black cat will bring you back luck. There exists some truth in this superstition, because all cats are psychopaths and if you get in a cat’s way it will find you and make your life a living hell.

And of course, there’s the old wives’ tale that stepping on a crack might bring an early death. In fact, this is only true if the crack is a fault line, a sinkhole, or the narcotic of the same name.

There are several ways to prevent bad luck from coming your way this Friday. Salt is known for its ability to stave off evil, so it would be wise to rub salt into every orifice of your body to make sure no evil can enter it. Some people also prefer to just stay in bed the whole day, but since 20% of Americans die in bed, it’s safer instead to lie on the floor for the whole day. Additionally, wearing your clothes backwards on Friday the 13th has been known to bring good luck, plus it has the added bonus of nobody wanting to talk to you the whole day.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Moon

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Each night, millions of Americans stare up into the cosmos while succumbing to a bout of depressing existential dread. Often they will see an object that sometimes appears as an orb, sometimes as a sliver, and sometimes as a “gibbous,” which is not a type of ape. This object is called “The Moon,” and it is the most mysterious thing that can be found in the night sky, besides that constellation that looks like Donald Trump’s neck.

Every civilization in human history has had their own theory about what the Moon is. The ancient Egyptians, for example, believed the Moon was a god who controlled the night, the oceans, and menstruation. Ancient Floridians also worshipped the Moon, believing it to be a giant egg out of which hatched hundreds of swamp alligators every thirty days. And the Mayans believed that the Moon is just a giant rock that accreted with the Earth after a planetoid collided with our planet nearly four and a half billion years ago. We now know, however, that the Moon is actually one of God’s testicles that was severed during one of his many battles to protect us against super-powerful Nazi space aliens.

Mankind’s fascination with the Moon has driven some of the greatest achievements in the history of science. During the Cold War, the United States and Russia competed to become the first nation to put humans on the Moon in what became known as the “Space Race,” which is also the name of those aforementioned Nazi space aliens. Each country had its own plans with the Moon; Russia wanted to paint the lifeless rock red to have a constant reminder of communistic might orbiting over everyone’s heads, while America simply wanted to open up a McDonald’s on it.

As with education, healthcare, happiness, and general quality of life, America proved itself to be “Number One” by making it to the Moon first. Astronauts Lance Armstrong, Buzz Alderaan, and The Third One are still honored today for being the first men to have successfully walked on an entirely different world and left their stuff on it, such as a rover that needs to be gassed up, a flag that yearns for someone to pledge their allegiance to, and Armstrong’s wallet.

You might be thinking something like, “I don’t really care about the Moon because it doesn’t affect my daily life,” or, “maybe if I scramble up into that tree at nighttime I’ll be able to see into her bathroom window without her seeing me.” However, scientists would say that you’re wrong. The Moon affects virtually every part of our daily lives. It affects the Tides, by which I mean it influences your decision on which kind of Tide detergent you use. It affects wherewolves, by which I mean you can tell where wolves are if they howl at the Moon near you. It also affects your emo-shins, by which I mean that those who belong to emo, goth, scene, and other such youth fads can feel pressure in their lower legs whenever the Moon is overhead.

We might never return to the Moon, and we might never return the Moon to a safe distance away from humans so that it can no longer affect our brains with its moon rays. All that can be said for sure is that science won’t stop until it uncovers all of the Moon’s secrets and then leaks them to TMZ.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Rosh Hashanah

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , ,

You might have noticed that every year at around this time, your Jewish coworkers are absent from work for a day or two. This happens not because they’re attending an annual summit in which all the Jews gather to discuss how they’re going to take over the world, because that’s a different holiday called “Chash Vanasha Chah.” No, the Hebrew holiday going on this week is called “Rosh Hashanah,” and it’s a celebration of sweetness, new beginnings, and wearing a wrinkled suit that hasn’t been washed since your freshman year of college.

Rosh Hashanah, which literally translates to “The Calendar’s Foot,” is the Jewish New Year, or “Jew Year,” as it is commonly known. Rosh Hashanah is always celebrated in the fall, but is always a different date. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

The story behind Rosh Hashanah dates back to the year 400 B.C.E. The Jews at this time were a group of nomadic shepherds and television producers. They found that as they traveled around places like Mesopotamia and New Jersey, the temperature would consistently change over the course of a year. The first day when it became chilly enough to wear a scarf was signified as the first day of the New Year. Many Jews still wear a scarf, or “tallit,” that their ancestors wore to show that they’re unsatisfied with the current temperature. It is also tradition among the Jewish people to inquire about whether or not the temperature of a room can be changed every five minutes or so.

There are many fun and exciting ways to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. Jews gather at their local “synagogue,” which is a place of worship and not a business term that means something about teamwork, where they sing prayers, worship their deity, and get an aerobics workout by periodically standing and sitting at seemingly random times and for unclear reasons throughout the service. The service is lead by a rabbi who spends the rest of the year hibernating in a giant jar of kosher goo. The length of the service varies every year depending on the day of the week, and certain prayers will change in importance, as well. This is because in Judaism it is a sin to repeat the same thing twice, whether it’s holidays, prayers, or even jokes.

Rosh Hashanah is notable as being one of the few Jewish holidays that does not celebrate overcoming some sort of persecution. Instead it is a time for the Jews to take part in hopeful activities such as reflecting on the past year, making plans for the new year, and reading words from a book aloud in unison. Many American Jews have also integrated modern-day New Years celebrations into their Rosh Hashanah traditions by getting drunk and making out with a stranger.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Alternative Energy

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As technology progresses, scientists are continuously finding new ways to power our global civilization. As nations around the world race to be the first in alternative energy, third world countries like the United States remain obstinate against cleaner, cheaper fuel. For this week’s investigative piece, Circus Killer News reports on the negative side non-renewable energy, the negative side of alternative energy, and some of the more cutting-edge energy technologies that might become commonplace in the near future.

Of the non-renewable energy sources that America has used in the past, coal is certainly the most talked about. With President Trump’s promise to get coalmines up and running again, many of America’s whiter and more gullible citizens expect to have their skin stained and their lungs diseased just like the good ol’ days. What many Americans don’t understand, however, is that coalmining stopped because coal is a depleting resource.

“I used to use coal all the time, billions of pieces in one night,” says Kris Kringle, a reclusive toymaker who breaks into people’s homes. “Nowadays there’s just not enough coal left, so I just leave dead batteries for naughty children.”

Oil and natural gas are also popular non-renewable energy sources, but they’re not without their downsides, either. Oil spills can be fatal, costly, and anger Poseidon. Natural gas is highly volatile and is also the name of my cousin’s shitty contemporary rock band.

Considering all environmental, fiscal, and sexual downsides to fossil fuels, why haven’t more Americans made the switch to solar? Truthfully, solar power is not as great as people are led to believe. A home powered by solar energy, for example, cannot be powered at night. Solar energy also drains the sun; scientists believe that if the number of homes and buildings that use solar power remains the same, the sun will be completely used up by the year 2090.

Wind energy also has some worried, as there is evidence to suggest that harvesting the wind might disrupt natural ecosystems and create year-round hurricanes and tornadoes.

So are there any alternative energy sources out there that won’t destroy the environment, empty everyone’s wallets, or be used against mankind in the coming robot apocalypse? Some people across the planet have some pretty creative solutions.

Steve Wessner, from South Dakota, powers his house entirely by applause. Steve has hired a live studio audience to watch his every move, and every time his lights flicker, Steve does something to win over their approval. There’s a woman from Kentucky named Kathy Gergailles who has found a way to power her car with road rage; the angrier she gets, the farther she can travel. And a man from Boston named Blurben Flerbman who has rigged his phone to be powered solely by “dick pics.”

Any of those unorthodox sources of power could be the future of energy in America, but it’s just as likely that in the future there will be no singular uniform way with which Americans power their stuff. As of right now, the future of energy is as much of a mystery as the source of Blurben’s pictures.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Public Schools

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , , , , ,

September is here, and most of America’s youth will find itself inducted into the public school system. It’s no secret that the US falls short in education, but what exactly is the cause behind this educational degeneration? Circus Killer News sent its youngest-looking reporter, Laney Petrelles, to pose undercover as a high school student at Middle Brooks High School in Connecticut to bring you the full public school experience. We also sent our most depressed-looking reporter, Joel Koenner, to pose as a teacher at the same school.

Laney reported that high school has changed a lot since her days as an actual student thirty-three years ago. Every arts program and foreign language course in the Middle Brooks school district was gradually cut over time, but students still needed to take eight classes. The cut courses were replaced with things like “America Appreciation,” where students are taught how to appreciate the United States through song, prayer, and military service. Another one of these pap electives is “Second Lunch,” where students are allowed to extend their lunch break to double the legally required six minutes of lunchtime allotted to them. Another still was simply called “Books,” which has no course description. Laney reports that “Books” is taught by an actual book that a custodian props up on a desk for one hour. Additionally, many students are no longer required to take a gym class ever since the school board classified texting as physical exercise.

Joel found that teaching methods have undergone some change as well. Teachers are now encouraged to show videos instead of talking to their students. They are no longer allowed to design their own curriculums, but rather must use their own money to purchase a “curriculum packet” from the federal government that comes preloaded with every assignment, exam, and study guide the teacher will need for that year. Teaching, Joel found, is no longer a profession for optimistic thinkers eager to shape young minds. Rather, teaching is usually either a part time gig for out-of-work musicians and actors, a dumping zone for the Witness Protection Program, or a practice job for not-so-charismatic cult leaders looking to hone their skills.

While looking for the perspectives of other students, Laney managed to insert herself into every clique at Middle Brooks High. She bought herself a new car and expensive clothes to get in with the popular girls, sold narcotics and steroids to the jocks in order to gain their trust, became accepted by the hipsters by introducing them to music from her high school days that they had never heard before, and developed a sense of humor so she could fit in with the geeks, dorks, and nerds. Though these cliché groups of students had their differences, they all shared a loathing of the system, a palpable anxiety, and one singular piece of gum that has been passed down from each senior class over decades.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Fast Food

circuskiller Health, Special Reports , , , , , , , , , ,

Fast food has become an integral part of American culture. It is estimated that each year, the average American eats nearly 63,000 pounds of fast food, spends $14,000 at fast food restaurants, and spends a total of 56 minutes masturbating in a Taco Bell drive-thru. With fast food being such an important piece of the American lifestyle, is it possible that what your roommate’s super bitchy girlfriend says about the health risks is true? Could fast food be a negative influence on the United States, and if so, is there a solution to the problem, and can we get that solution in a large?

It’s no secret that fast food restaurants are the preferred dining destination of the acne-stricken, the morbidly obese, and the nearly diabetic, but is there any evidence to suggest a linkage between fast food and unhealthy bodies? Circus Killer News spoke with Dr. Audris Flayheardt, a freelance nutritionist hired by numerous fast food companies to conduct health investigations. He has been hired by nearly every fast food chain with the exception of Wendy’s.

“I’ve devoted my life to studying the nutritional value of fast food, and I can tell you, it’s perfectly safe, perfectly healthy,” said Dr. Flayheardt surrounded by recently purchased burgers, chicken, and fries that he assured us he intended to eat as soon as we left. “You walk into any fast food restaurant, you order anything on the menu, and what you get will be good for you. Your body needs it, your bones need it, your children need it. It’s all good. The only case where this isn’t true is Wendy’s.”

So if the food isn’t harmful, then what’s the issue? Alleya Hernandez, founder and leader of a national anti-fast food organization called “No Try’s With That,” explained her side to us.

“I didn’t know the risks when I started giving my family fast food,” said Alleya, “Now my one son has no teeth because the acidity from the soda dissolved them. My other son is an addict and has to work at the Burger King to pay off his debt to them. And my daughter was mugged in the parking lot of a totally different Burger King. That’s why my organization boycotts fast food.”

Alleya then spent the next forty minutes trying to explain the name of her organization; something about how it’s supposed to make fun of a common fast food phrase, but instead it’s saying, “you can’t try to force your food on us,” or something. It sounds like she’s not a very creative person and just went with the first idea that came to her.

On the other side of the spectrum are fast food connoisseurs, which despite how they sound are not a type of dinosaur. These are people who travel to different towns, different states, even different countries, all to experience the joy of fast food everywhere they can. They rate different locations, swap fan theories, and perform ritualistic sacrifices in fast food restaurant bathrooms. We wanted an interview with Jim Cormers, famed for visiting more McDonald’s locations than any other person in history, but sadly Jim was lost to heart disease three months ago. He was cremated and had his ashes scattered over a McDonald’s flat top grill in New Jersey.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Assholes Anonymous

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , ,

A recent study found that nearly 87% of all Americans are either assholes right now or have been assholes at some point in their lives. Many assholes go their entire lives without ever knowing what they are, whereas others will recognize their problem and refuse to deal with it. A new social program, however, aims to treat those afflicted with asshole syndrome with acceptance and tolerance.

“Assholes Anonymous” is a non-profit organization that forces assholes to deal with their assholism head-on. Members gather once a week in a public place and talk about how their assholism affects the lives of themselves and their loved ones.

“I’ve been coming to AA meetings for going on seven months now,” says AA member Don Eberts. “It helps just to have people who will listen, and to know I’m not the only one suffering from a need to wear shirts with jokes on them or never use a turn signal.”

The organization was founded by Marvin Alejski, a longtime sufferer of assholism.

“My father was an asshole, he raised me to be an asshole,” says Alejski. “I know firsthand what assholism does to a family. A lot of these assholes who show up for meetings are never given a chance anywhere else. Assholes Anonymous is a safe place for assholes all across the country.”

Alejski helps fund research into the phenomenon of assholism, working closely with psychologist Dr. Amelia Luz, the world’s leading expert on assholes. Dr. Luz thinks it might even be possible to create a cure.

“The truth is, we still don’t know much about assholes,” says Dr. Luz. “We can easily identify the symptoms, for example, frequently holding up lines for no reason, ordering off menu, spending money on a bumper sticker, things like that. What we’re still unsure of, however, is what makes someone an asshole; what compels people to do such inane things.”

Treating assholes has proven to be no easy task since those afflicted with assholism are obstinate by nature. Dr. Luz says she’s seen the best results in Alejski’s program.

“Assholes Anonymous is, in my opinion, the best place that recovering assholes can go to get help,” says Dr. Luz. “The first step to beating assholism is recognizing it within yourself, and introducing yourself as an asshole to group of people who know what you’re going through. You can’t quit being an asshole unless you first acknowledge that you are one.”

As Assholes Anonymous continues to grow across the nation, more and more assholes are getting the help they need. If you or anyone you know is an asshole then don’t be afraid to seek out help. If you don’t, you’re a schmuck.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Night-Eagle

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , ,

Sovereign City has been America’s crime-ridden embarrassment for decades. Once a benchmark of metropolitan greatness, the city has devolved into a cesspool of violence and moral destitution. With the local government seemingly unable or uninterested in saving Sovereign City and its people, is there any hope that the city will have its time in the light again? Is there anything that can inspire the citizens of SC to build a better society? Some SC residents say they have found a source of hope and inspiration in their dying city, and that source is the elusive and mysterious vigilante known as “The Night-Eagle.”

The first sighting of this costumed crusader was last November. Rose Carlisle, an elderly woman who has been living in SC her whole life, was walking down a darkened, deserted street one night when she was mugged by an unknown assailant. The assailant took her purse, pushed her to the ground, and said something that was insulting but still age appropriate. Before Rose knew what was happening, a masked man in an eagle suit swooped down and tackled the mugger.

“It was the second most incredible thing I have ever seen,” said Rose. “The first was seeing Muse in concert eight years ago.”

The masked man beat the mugger senseless before returning Rose’s purse to her.

“He was muscular. He had a long beak instead of a mouth and nose, and black bulletproof feathered wings. I thanked him and asked who he was, but he just squawked and flew off into the night.”

Since then, dozens of sightings of the Night-Eagle have cropped up all around Sovereign City. Each sighting took place at night and involved the prevention of a crime.

“I saw him tear into a carjacker,” said Devon Lucas, another witness. “He landed on top of the car and ripped off the roof with these big talons he had, then he pecked at the thief driving it until he crashed.”

Since his appearance, the Night-Eagle has been a major point of controversy in local government. The mayor of Sovereign City officially denounced the Night-Eagle’s actions in a recent press conference.

“He’s a menace to society,” said the mayor, “no different than the criminals he assaults. We don’t need a bird of prey running around with no authority, dealing out justice as he sees fit.” The mayor of Sovereign City has approved a special taskforce to arrest the Night-Eagle, despite the vigilante having the support of many law enforcement officers.

But as with any major issue, the question must be asked… what do wealthy celebrities have to say? Vick Vaughn, a local billionaire playboy and owner/inheritor of Vaughn Inc, the largest corporation in Sovereign City, says the Night-Eagle is a disgrace.

“He hasn’t done any good for this city,” said Vaughn at an annual fundraiser he hosts that raises money to install helicopter pads on yachts. Vaughn has a personal connection to crime because both his parents were murdered in front of him as a child when a moviegoer shot them for loudly talking throughout a showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”

“If you want to see good being done for this city then just look at me,” continued Vaughn as he scratched at a mysterious injury on his neck. “The Vaughn Foundation raised over 36 million dollars last year to help restore the orphanages that were blown up by the Night-Eagle’s arch-nemesis ‘The Poacher.’ I don’t support the Night-Eagle’s actions and I distance myself from him in every way possible.”

But who is the Night-Eagle beneath the beak? Is he a hero, a criminal, or just a weirdo? Is he like a pride parade in that he’s having a positive effect on the city despite being controversial, or is he more like an erection on an airplane in that he’s doing more harm than good? Do I have time to write a better ending than this?

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Video Game Violence

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , , , , ,

As violence increases in America, so has the prevalence of violent video games. When video games first became popular they featured simple, relatable stories such as rescuing your girlfriend from a giant ape or trying to eat ghosts, but modern-day video games put the player in control of morally corrupt characters like professional assassins, habitual drug users, and non-married women. In the video games of the past, players completed objectives and defeated enemies by jumping or running. In the video games of today, players must shoot, stab, punch, steal, and sex their way to victory. Should we be bothered by this trend, and fear the video games of the future? What effect do violent video games have on our children? Have we finally found the perfect scapegoat for shitty parenting?

Many who play video games say there is no evidence to suggest that video games have an effect on their temperament, however some of history’s worst eggs were gamers. Genghis Khan famously loved his Nintendo Game Boy so much that he was buried with it. Lee Harvey Oswald practiced his shooting abilities in “Big Buck Hunter II” before the Kennedy assassination, and there is mounting evidence to suggest that Jack the Ripper had the high score on a local tavern’s arcade version of “Cruis’n Exotica.” Does this mean that all gamers are destined for violence?

“I don’t know if they’re destined for violence, but they’re certainly trained for it,” says former gamer Tyson Rich. Tyson was part of an “esports” team; a group of gamers who compete against other teams for titles, prizes, and the chance to have a girlfriend.

Tyson specialized in a game called “Brothers of Combat IV: Armed Warfare: The Blood Reckoning,” a popular “first-person shooter.” He says his unorthodox training made him into a more violent person.

“Our coach wanted us to be ruthless, to be emotionless gaming machines,” says Tyson. “He had us dress up like our avatars, go out into the wild, and shoot baby animals so that we would learn to never hold back. We had to break bricks with our fingers to learn how to properly use a keyboard or controller. We were forced to drink yellow Powerade because that was one of our sponsors, and yellow’s the worst one. It was torture.”

Clearly video games have a negative effect on competitive players, but how about amateurs? A recent study conducted by the Guild of Outraged Parents found that 97% of young gamers are too antisocial and aren’t going outside often enough.

“When I was my son’s age I spent my afternoons hanging out with the other boys in the neighborhood, playing sports, and actively suppressing my bisexuality,” says area father Dale Brenning. “Now my son spends all day on his computer, chatting with his ‘online friends,’ playing ‘God Knows What,’ which is the name of a video game he plays where you have to find ways to outsmart God. It’s despicable.”

So what’s the solution to the violent video game problem? Who’s to blame when a gamer does something awful? The Guild of Outraged Parents says it’s the fault of the developers.

“I know my child would never hurt another person,” says Margaret Tribene, a member of the GOP. “Whenever my son hits another child or yells at his teacher, video game developers should be punished, not my son. His bad behavior is due to his exposure to video game violence, and his good behavior is due to my parenting.”

The debate over violent video games will likely rage on for generations to come, but most Americans agree that violence in America will not end until the government takes our video games away.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Facial Hair

circuskiller Special Reports , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

It is said that a man can command a room with his facial hair. Because of men like Jesus Christ, Abraham Lincoln, and Borat, history has been peppered with an eclectic mix of glorious beards and ‘staches. But why is it, exactly, that the facially endowed seem destined for greatness? What is the mysterious power behind magnificent facial hair, and is there a way to control it?

Circus Killer News special reporter Fatima Azzraf spoke with Caleb Cho, Head Curator at the National Museum of Beards and Moustaches in Washington D.C.

“America has a rich history of bearded and mustachioed men,” said Caleb. “Every good President the U.S. has ever had wore some kind of facial hair, even if it was temporarily out of fashion.”

Fatima was shown a display that held Ronald Reagan’s secret moustache.

“Reagan only wore this when no one was looking. As you can see from the charring around the edges it was once set on fire. This was done in a deliberate attack by the democratic party who was as the time seeking to snuff out the President’s vitality. Most of the moustache was saved, but they burned enough that it affected Reagan’s cognitive abilities. It was after this event that his dementia started.”

The museum displays the facial hair of other American greats, including Martin Van Buren’s sideburns, John Philip Sousa’s moustache, and Cesar Romero’s eyebrows.

“We’re very proud of our collection,” said Caleb. “This is undoubtedly the most erotic job I’ve ever had, and I once worked at a gun store that was next to a Hooters.”

Facial hair has always held power in Western culture, but how about other areas of the world? We sent Fatima to a Tibetan monastery where a group of monks claim to have unlocked the secret power of facial hair. The monks believe that beards and moustaches are a direct reflection of a man’s lifeforce, and that men can lengthen their lives by lengthening their locks.

“We spend our days growing our beards and pointy moustaches to strengthen our qi,” says Shui Fey, a monk who claims to have reached the age of 236 thanks to his fourteen-foot long beard. “We practice moving bricks with them, fighting each other with them, and tying them around tree branches so we can swing around in the wind while high-fiving each other. It strengthens our hair, and that strengthens our lifeforce.”

We then sent Fatima to the other side of the world where she met an Amazon tribe who hunt with their facial hair. Men journey into forests with nothing more than their beards and must strangle animals with them. In this tribe, a boy is not considered a man until he suffocates a jaguar with his lip hair.

With so many cultures around the world using the power of facial hair, the question must be asked: why does this power only exist in men? Is there a way for women to utilize facial hair as well? Jillian Tacoma, of Reddingham, Iowa, says “yes.”

“I didn’t believe my life would get better at first,” said Jillian to Fatima, “but it certainly did. My beard is the best thing that has ever happened to me.”

Jillian has been living her life as a “bearded lady” for over twelve years now. Her chin hair is not fake and she doesn’t use hormone treatments, rather Jillian’s thick, full beard came in one day after she was bitten by a radioactive Italian guy.

“My life before my beard was honestly very sad. I was a spinster who took pleasure in talking to strangers while vacationing alone. I used to eat frozen dinners and blog about HGTV and get laughed at whenever I wore a dress. But now, whenever I have something to say, people listen. People are drawn to me now and they don’t think it’s weird of me to send food back at restaurants. Yesterday I got a bank loan approved that I didn’t even apply for, all because of this,” she said while combing her luscious beard.

Jillian was asked if she recommends facial hair to more women.

“Honestly, you don’t need it,” she said. “The way I get treated now is the same way my sister has been treated all her life, so if you want to learn anything from her, then just try to be blond and have large, amazing breasts.”

We might never be able to unlock the full potential of facial hair like the Tibetan monks, the Amazon tribes, or Tom Selleck, but its effect on people is as undeniable as it is deeply sexual.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.