Donald Trump

10 Little Known Steps For The Presidential Impeachment Process

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Within hours after President Trump was elected into office, Democrats have been teaming up with sane people across the country to figure out a way to legally remove Donald from the presidency. America comes closer to that goal as the Trump-Russia investigation uncovers new evidence, as well as each time Trump does literally anything. But what exactly does it take to impeach an individual from the highest seat of power in the free world? The following are 10 steps to the presidential impeachment process with which very few Americans are familiar.

 

1. At one point, a piece of paper with the President’s name is placed in front of a bald eagle. If the eagle eats the paper within 36 hours, the impeachment process continues.

2. The President will have to take part in a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” in order to determine whether or not he still gets to wear the Truman Boxers during the proceedings.

3. Trump will have to turn in his badge and his gun, and might never get them back.

4. The Supreme Court will probably have to do something or whatever.

5. The President will be asked to recite the Constitution backwards while touching his nose.

6. Every legislator calling for impeachment must give a video testimonial explaining why they think the President should be voted off the island.

7. If impeachment proceedings begin, Trump will have to write a 200-word essay on why he should be president.

8. Each of Trump’s key advisors will have to speak to Trump’s character after being reassured that they’re in a safe space where no one can hear them.

9. Every political impeachment, presidential or otherwise, must be cleared with the Illuminati first.

10. The CIA will have to hire Leonardo DiCaprio to enter the President’s dreams and extract classified information, although this procedure might be waived because Trump has already tweeted most of it.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Budget Includes Gilded White House

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Earlier today, President Trump released his proposal for the new federal budget under his administration. Details of the budget terrorized experts, polarized ordinary citizens, and gave the upper class something else to lie about. What follows is some of the details of the Trump Budget.

Firstly, nearly 30% of the federal budget will be used to renovate the White House itself. Trump will coat the entire building in a thin layer of solid gold in hopes that it will prevent atheists from reading his thoughts. President Trump has also admitted that working in the Oval Office makes him uncomfortable because it’s “too much like a woman’s sex bits, and not the fun ones,” so the budget will cover the cost it takes to convert the Oval Office into the long, hard shaft that Trump believes is “a more dignified and bigly structure.”

The budget will also cover the construction of hundreds of “Patriot Zones” across the US where Americans can gather and thank Trump for all he’s done for this country so far. These Patriot Zones will use military loudspeaker equipment to blast group prayers five times a day, several miles in all directions. Americans are encouraged to join in these prayers while bowing in the direction of Trump Tower.

The Trump Budget also sets aside money to allow for the construction of a border wall with Mexico, a large bridge between Russia and Alaska, and a moat to separate blue states from the rest of the nation.

Trump’s proposed budget will cut up to billions from federally sponsored programs for various reasons. Public schools will be defunded because “American children need Jesus more than books,” medical benefits for retirees will be slashed because “diseases aren’t real, I’ve never had them” and food stamps will be cut because “people should not be mailing their food, it’s a disgrace.”

Many politicians and economists are skeptical that Trump’s tax plan can cover the proposed budget. Trump’s tax plan calls for a total restructuring of existing tax brackets to be based on things like “blondness” and “winnering” instead of income. All that can be said for certain is that these steps surely puts America on the right track to be great again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Set To Put Self On All US Currency

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President Donald Trump made waves on both Wall Street and Main Street today when he signed an executive order that nullifies all United States dollar bills that do not bear his image by the year 2020. This act is the first step in guaranteeing that Trump will make good on the promise he made during his campaign to put his face on all American money.

“They’re saying they want Harriet Tubman to replace Michael Jackson on the whatever,” said Trump at a campaign rally in September, “but I will be a much better president than any of them. I talk to the founding fathers all the time, believe me, and they want me to replace them.”

Trump hopes to redesign US currency in other ways, as well, for example replacing the phrase “in God we trust” with either “in Trump we trust,” or, “hail Trump, immortal leader of our America.” Trump also plans to replace the monuments on the back of American currency with images of his own properties.

“We’re not gonna have green money anymore,” said Trump, “because that’s just how these fake environment liars try to get you to believe in their climate talk. It’s disgraceful. We need gold money and I know how to do it because it’ll stop ISIS and coal will be here forever.”

Trump also announced today that the design for his self-financed “Trump Monument” in Washington is being finalized.

“It’ll be just like the Washington Monument,” said Trump, “only it’ll be huge and tremendous and bigger. It’ll satisfy everyone, believe me, you’ll love it.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

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Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.

 

1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Admit Gravity A Hoax

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The scientific community was rocked earlier today when an international panel of physicists convened to announce to the world that the theory of gravity is in fact a hoax.

“It’s made up,” said spokeswoman Grabiella Lutiz. “There is nothing real at all about the theory of gravity. It has all been an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by scientists across the world, which is indeed flat, by the way.”

Gravity has long since been the subject of skepticism from predominantly religious communities, however the theory came under recent attack when it was discovered that Donald Trump, President-elect of the United States and Time Magazine’s “Most Trusted Rich Guy” of 2017, tweeted several years ago that he believed gravity to be a Chinese hoax.

“Gravity was not a brainchild of the Chinese government solely,” said Lutiz, “but is in fact a ruse created and perpetrated by the vast majority of the world’s scientists independent of any government or agency.”

Lutiz went on to describe how Sir Isaac Newton never really existed and that accounts of his life were based on the ancient Polynesian myth of a young man who becomes the smartest person in his village after a coconut falls on his head. All records of Newton’s life were fabricated along with the volumes of evidence and data that have been gathered to support the theory of gravity over the last few centuries.

“Yes, things on this planet fall downwards,” said Lutiz, “And yes, the more mass an object has the greater its pull on other objects. And yes, our fake little theory of gravity would explain exactly how and why these things happen and can also be used to project accurate models of the movements of celestial bodes in the future. But the truth is there is no real scientific evidence to show that if I were to drop this pen it would fall to the ground. And the fact that our models and projections of the future come true every single time is purely a coincidence.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Immigration Policy Could Keep Santa Out Of US in 2017

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President-elect Donald Trump took heat today when it was announced that, if enacted, his immigration policies would forbid Santa Claus from visiting the United States and delivering presents next Christmas.

“America first means North Pole second,” said Trump to a picture of himself this morning and then later to a group of reporters clustered outside of Trump Tower. “All our jobs are leaving this country, if you look at what’s happening, they’re going to China, they’re going to Mexico, they’re going to the North Pole. Obama has been sending these jobs away and they’re not coming back, folks. I’m going to bring them back.”

This statement has sparked outrage with parents across the country who rely on Father Christmas to provide the plastic, electronic shit that children need as a substitute to actual parenting.

“I don’t have time to go shopping for Christmas presents,” says Wanda Kirkmand, a single mother of three, “and I can barely scrape up enough money each year, too. Without help from Santa Claus I can’t guarantee my son will get the new desktop computer he demands every year.”

Santa Claus will be kept out of the United States with a ceiling Trump hopes to build over US airspace. The ceiling will attach to the top of the prospective US-Mexico border wall and then just slope down over the rest of the country.

“[Santa Claus] enters this country illegally every year,” continued Trump, “and we have to put an end to it. We’re gonna be winning the war on Christmas, believe me.”

When asked to comment on the matter, Saint Nick himself laughed off the scandal.

“I haven’t been to the United States in years,” said Mr. Claus. “There hasn’t been a nice child in America since the invention of color television.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Trick-or-Treat Safety

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Trick-or-treating is been a favorite Halloween tradition among youngsters ever since the 13th century B.C.E. Unfortunately, however, it has become one of the most dangerous activities for children ever since the white man invaded sacred ground, so follow these 13 tips for a safe night of looting your neighbor’s homes for sugar and the worst thing you’ll get this year is a bellyache!

 

1. Dress up as a giant ball of light so you can be seen by oncoming traffic.

2. Make sure everyone in your company is trick-or-treating with police dogs that can sniff out any tampered candy.

3. It’s a little-known fact that clowns are terrified of sawdust, so in the wake of recent “killer clown” sightings across the country it’s a good idea to cover yourself in sacks of sawdust.

4. Litter your neighborhood with landmines so if you ever get chased by a maniac you can lead them to their unwitting demise.

5. Wear a thick, heavy raincoat. Climate Change could strike at any moment.

6. Millions of American children die in accidents every year because they text while trick-or-treating. Don’t be one of them.

7. Get all your trick-or-treating done before sundown. You’ll get the best candy, be much safer and give your classmates something to laugh about.

8. On Halloween you’re just as susceptible to germs as ever, so dress up as a bar of soap.

9. If you’re an adult concerned about the safety of neighborhood children, pick a young trick-or-treater and follow him or her around in your car all night.

10. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Clinton supporters, you’re liable to get healthy treats.

11. Avoid trick-or-treating at houses of Trump supporters, you’re liable to get shot.

12. Just buy candy.

13. Murder clowns and serial killers are out there, be always stay vigilant for the real killer of Halloween – diabetes.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Donald Trump Cuts to Chase and Just Masturbates on Stage for Four Minutes

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked the nation yesterday evening when he simply dropped his pants during a rally and proceeded to masturbate in front of tens of thousands of his supporters. The billionaire reportedly became aroused while discussing his plans to set American women back fifty years.

“Me and my buddy was arguin’ over whether or not Trump handin’ out free shirts was too socialist,” said Jonah Ells, a Trump supporter and attendee of the rally. “Trump was up there spittin’ out words and turnin’ his face all red and swollen like usual when we realized his pants was around his ankles and he was goin’ at it like me when I used the internet for the first time in my life two months ago.”

While many Americans were shocked by Trump’s lurid act, some viewed it simply a matter of time.

“I predicted this would happen,” said political pundit Bram Newhauer. “The whole reason why Trump is running for president is to jerk himself off. We’ve known that since the beginning and that’s exactly what he’s been doing this whole time. What nobody anticipated is how well Mr. Trump can jerk off half the nation.”

Trump finished after four minutes, however many of his supporters started to copy their leader, creating the largest group masturbation session in recorded history.

“It’s no great mystery why none of his supporters actually engaged in intercourse at the rally,” said Newhauer. “Trump supporters are a very prideful people. They’re proud of their race, their country, their beliefs, their lack of diversity, and they’re not afraid to express that. Anyone with that much pride in those things, however, is constantly jerking themselves off, typically without even realizing it.”

Trump is scheduled to have a rally this upcoming Thursday, where it is believed that he will be dressing up a copy of the United States Constitution in women’s clothing so that he can force himself onto the unwilling document in front of everyone. If that happens, it will likely be viewed as the only promise Donald Trump will actually keep if he is elected.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

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Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 3)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’ve participated in human trafficking on multiple yachts owned by three different Bush’s. I write to you, the weaker, lesser man, with a few rules to follow that could help you become better than whatever you’re trying to be now.

Recently I have been going over the subject of how to eat successfully. First, I instructed how a real man orders his food. Then I informed you how to properly engage in meal-worthy conversation. This week I conclude my eating tutorial with the final and least important part of the eating process.

 

3. Eating. Within five minutes of your food being set down on the table in front of you, send it back. Sending back your food is a power play that reminds everyone at the table that you are in charge and that both the serving staff and kitchen staff are beneath you. Occasionally there are times when sending your meal back once isn’t enough, so be prepared to do this multiple times. You know you are dining with powerful, knowledgeable men when everyone at the table sends their meal back four, five, even six times before anyone takes a bite.

I will not discuss the mechanics of eating because this is something you should have mastered by the time you were six, unless you are a natural success like myself who mastered eating by the time I was two weeks old. There are things to keep in mind while eating, however, which will make the difference between an ordinary man and a successful man.

Posture is important. Sit up straight throughout the entire course of the meal. An erect state always suggests power but it is also easier to keep your food down if there still happen to be pieces of buckshot in it. It is only acceptable to eat while reclining if you are dining with a Jew or a woman with whom you have already had intercourse, although ideally you would never see such a woman in public again.

Your arms should be down with your elbows at a 50º angle, your feet firmly planted on the ground, and your manhood encroaching into your right pant leg. Your eyes should always be fixed on the person with whom you are conversing at any given moment. At no point should you look at your meal except for the first cut into the meat you are eating to make sure it is as red as Donald Trump’s face before his creamer administers his whitening cream.

Additionally, never belch or hiccup. The only things that should leave a man’s body are excrement and diamonds you may have swallowed during one of Warren Buffett’s rare mineral tastings. Although napkins are designed to wipe excess food crumbs from your mouth and hands, no successful, self-respecting man should use one unless you plan on offering it to a female companion once she starts crying due to her femininity.

 

This concludes my instructions on how to eat successfully. I will continue this column with another tutorial next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.