News

Man’s Resume Just List of Shows He’s Watched

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Years into his search for a job, Blaine Eberts has begun submitting resumes to potential employers that are just a complete lists of television shows he has watched or is currently watching. The people who have received his resume are generally split on whether Blaine has simply given up, or if it’s the most genius career tactic ever conceived.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this,” said the manager of a local grocery that Blaine recently applied to. “I mean, it’s great that he’s fully caught up on Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help him stack shelves.”

“See, this is a brilliant move,” said a Human Resources manager at a Bank of America. “By just submitting this list of television programs, he’s telling me that I’m not worth his time and that he thinks he’s above this position. It shows how badly he wants to move straight to the top and makes me want to hire him more because I now crave his respect.”

In fact, it does appear that Blaine spent a lot of time crafting this unconventional resume. Everything is color-coded and listed by genre, and it includes charts and graphs for elements such as average number of laughs per episode, average number of deaths per episode, average percentage of non-white people and average number of appearances by Nick Kroll.

Blaine was not available to comment; he’s been busy ever since M*A*S*H was added to Netflix streaming.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #04

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. February 24th, 2023 – New  “Firearms Freedom Act”  passes in Texas

This morning, Texas became the first state to issue a “Firearms Freedom” law that allows businesses to turn down people who aren’t carrying a weapon. The law has been a major point of controversy within the Lone Star State because a growing number of Texans have been finding it difficult to legally acquire a weapon ever since the new background checks were established two years ago. Desperate Texans have reportedly begun frequenting their favorite stores with swords, knives, bats, axes or anything that could be used as a weapon in hopes that they won’t be refused service.

 

2. February 4th, 2020 – New Mattress Able to Sleep by Itself

The Sealy Mattress Company has developed a mattress that is able to sleep by itself. The new mattress was designed for people who are too busy working, travelling or boning strangers to be able to come home and sleep in their own bed. Users of the mattress can set a timer using a dial to gauge how much and how often the mattress sleeps and whether or not it will experience dreams or nightmares. There are also settings for the mattress to undergo experiences such as insomnia, sleep paralysis and bed-wetting.

 

3. November 6th, 2044 – First Gibbon Elected into US Public Office

Professor Seymour Wiggles, a captivity-born gibbon, made history last night in becoming the first monkey ever to be elected into public office. Professor Wiggles will serve for the next two years as one of Oklahoma’s congressional representatives. Wiggles, a Republican, ran under a platform of strengthening family values, minimizing the government, and starting a nationally recognized “Free Banana Friday.” Many of Wiggles’ supporters felt that it was time for a more intellectual representative of “The Sooner State” to take the political reigns, however few understand that “Professor” is just part of the monkey’s name, not an actual title.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Weirdo Answers Honestly When Asked How Things Are at Home

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Corporate accountant Geoffrey Paulson irritated some of his coworkers this morning when he answered honestly after being asked how his home life was going.

“Oh boy, not that great,” Paulson reportedly told a number of coworkers. “I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for a while and I think I finally found evidence of it in her texts.”

It was at this point in Paulson’s story that his coworkers started to regret asking the notoriously honest geek about his home life.

“On top of that my bank just recently froze all of my credit cards so I’m kind of coasting on fumes here. I’m not totally sure how I’m gonna make through the week, honestly.”

Regret mixed with dread at the sound of this news when Paulson’s coworkers started worrying that this sad, lonely acquaintance of theirs might ask for some money. Thankfully, Paulson continued.

“Oh and it turns out my son might be gay. He didn’t actually come out and tell me or anything but I think I caught him making out with a male friend of his. I mean, I don’t have anything wrong with homosexuality or whatever, but I’m not sure if I’m prepared to handle all this, you know? Not all at once anyway.”

Paulson’s coworkers politely shook their heads, reciprocating with a dismissive “Oh, wow, I’m sorry, buddy.” A few made this mistake of leaving with “If you need anything I’m here for you,” which they immediately regretted once receiving a text from Paulson shortly afterwards inviting them out to go bowling over the weekend. None have responded to the text yet.

More on this as it develops.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #05 – Angelina Jolie; Zayn Malik; Trevor Noah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Announces Plans to Transfer Mind into Robot Body

Actress Angelina Jolie announced this weekend that she plans on “freeing her mind from the fallible shackles of the human condition” by financing the construction of a robot body that she plans to live out of until the end of time. Jolie recently had a double mastectomy when it was discovered that she carried a gene that would make her susceptible to breast cancer, and announced shortly afterwards that she wanted to undergo an operation to remove her ovaries as well. The actress has apparently decided to take things one step further and simply pay a team of scientists to design and build a mechanized body that would be free from disease and decay, into which her mind and thoughts would be transferred so that she may continue to act and spread humanitarian kindness until the end of time.

 

2. “Directioners” Remove 20% of Limbs in Tribute to Departed Band Member

Fans of the boy band One Direction, who call themselves “Directioners,” have been distraught since last week when band member Zayn Malik announced he was leaving the group. With the band shrinking from five members to four, Directioners across the world have begun an internet campaign in which they post pictures and videos of them severing 20% of their own limbs as tribute to the band’s loss. Many Directioners have been hospitalized or even killed as a result of the campaign, while the rest have gathered to construct a new Zayn out of their disembodied limbs to help cope with the loss.

 

3. Comedy Central Tests Fans’ Advocacy of Racial Acceptance

Finally for this week, Comedy Central announced that comedian Trevor Noah will be replacing John Stewart as host of The Daily Show, reportedly in an effort to call the network’s white fans on their bluff of supporting racial equality. Many white fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report didn’t bat an eye when Larry Wilmore was appointed as host of The Nightly Show (which replaced The Colbert Report), however a number of white Comedy Central fans have made passively racist comments on Twitter that aren’t completely offensive but are certainly heading in that direction. Rumor has it that Comedy Central is looking to replace Daniel Tosh as host of his show Tosh.0 with someone like Kevin Hart to see if that will finally push the network’s white fans over the edge.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week for an exclusive interview with the parasite living inside Tara Reid.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Father Brings Wrong Glasses to Daughter’s Recital

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Area man Duncan Tolapin reportedly attended his daughter’s clarinet recital with his reading glasses instead of his concert glasses. Duncan was forced to compensate for his blurred vision using unconventional means.

At first Duncan had his wife describe what was taking place on stage.

“She’s just sitting there playing,” Duncan’s wife reportedly told her husband. “Her fingers are moving every time she plays a new note, that’s really all there is to see. Just listen.”

Duncan insisted that he had to see his daughter’s performance and not just listen, but his wife refused to help because all the talking they were doing was agitating the other parents sitting near them.

In the middle of the performance, Duncan began walking up and down the rows of seats to find a point at which his eyes would be able to see his daughter clearly. This angered other parents and Duncan was talked into returned to his seat. On the way back, Duncan began crawling up behind parents on his hands and knees to pickpocket glasses from other parents in hopes that someone would have his lens size. This also went fruitlessly.

Finally Duncan found a solution that bothered no one. Once he returned to his seat, Duncan found that he had been sitting five rows behind a parent who was holding her iPhone above her head to record the entire concert. Duncan was able to take out his own iPhone and zoom in on the other parent’s iPhone, giving a clear, close up image of his daughter.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mixed-Race Couple Relieved to No Longer Be Neighborhood’s Most Diverse Family

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Alan Browning, a Half-Chinese American, was relieved to see a Hispanic family move into his neighborhood last week, reports say. For four years Alan has been the most diverse person in his neighborhood, which he claims was a difficult burden to carry.

“It’s just the most annoying thing in the world,” said Alan. “I can’t go to a single neighborhood event without someone asking me how difficult it was to switch from Chinese to English. I’m from goddamn Tucson, I know more Spanish than Chinese.”

Alan moved into the neighborhood with his wife Elise four years ago, and she claims to have been under similar scrutiny.

“Everyone keeps asking me if he makes me cook Chinese food for him instead of getting takeout,” said Elise. “First of all, I don’t know how to cook. He does all the cooking and it’s usually Italian because Alan grew up in the only Italian neighborhood in Tucson on Tony Bennett Street, named after the road where the singer’s daughter Michelle was conceived.”

“And another thing,” said Alan, “just because I’m a Buddhist and my wife is Lutheran doesn’t mean we argue about the afterlife all the time. We both think our beliefs are a little ridiculous and are thankful that neither of us are Jewish, that’s all that matters.”

Alan and Elise greatly appreciate the Alvarez family coming in and taking their curios, naïve neighbors off of their hands for a little while, although the new neighbors have already started to become agitated.

“Why does everyone keep asking me to help fix their cars and give them gardening advice?” said Douglas Alvarez. “I didn’t even know those were stereotypes.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Grown Man Struggles to Put On Coat Inside Car

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Salesman Arthur Donahue was the focal point of an emergency situation yesterday in Coldwater, Nebraska when he became trapped inside his car after entangling himself within his raincoat.

Arthur was parked in a Chick-fil-a parking lot where he had driven to get lunch. Arthur decided to put on his raincoat before exiting the vehicle to avoid getting wet.

“That’s really where he made his first mistake,” said first responder Officer Dale Gamble. “Well I mean really his first mistake was going to Chick-fil-a for lunch. Fast food’s bad for you. But the decision to exist the vehicle is ultimately what got him into this mess.”

Scattered witnesses reported seeing Arthur wobbling back and forth in his car with his arms contorted behind, around and over his body, but nobody thought Arthur was in any serious trouble. It was hours before someone recognized that the oaf needed assistance.

“I saw him there when I went for lunch,” said Peggy Mulroney, the woman who eventually called the authorities. “Then I returned to the restaurant for dinner and I remembered him from a few hours ago. He was screaming for help… I guess everyone thought he was toddler like all of the other people who scream from being in a car in a Chick-fil-a parking lot for over 30 minutes.”

Emergency services were called and Arthur was rescued when fireman managed to remove the driver’s side door. Arthur spent the night in the hospital but was released early this morning with no signs of permanent injury. Seth Rogan will probably star in a movie about him.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #03

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. June 13th, 2066 – Report: 60% of New Jersey Population Now Spray-Tan Grease Monsters

A recent survey of the population of New Jersey shows that 60% of all residents statewide have permanently morphed into toned, gelatinous grease monsters comprised of an unknown compound that forms after spray-tan chemicals, hoagies and creatine become situated in an organic being for too long. The grease beings have reportedly taken up residence along New Jersey’s beaches where they ritually lift weights, give each other tattoos and make big deals out of small disagreements over food and former sexual partners. Mostly the grease monsters just want to be left alone, however some occasionally leave the beaches in search of high paying corporate jobs for which they have no experience.

 

2. January 15th, 2022 – “Deep Fried” Now FDA Approved Food Group

Worldwide controversy erupted yesterday morning after the FDA made “deep fried” an official food group and declared fried foods an “integral and irreplaceable portion of the healthy American diet.” The FDA advises Americans to consume 15-26 servings of fried foods daily, deciding to incorporate the food pyramid as one half of a newly formed “food parallelogram.” The other half of this new shape is simply an equally large triangle labeled “deep fried.” Shockingly, the majority of American diets have remained the same despite the change, the only significant change in American lives was a nationally felt reduction in guilt.

 

3. November 4th, 3477 – Growing Number of Lunar Colonists Believe Humans Never Landed on Earth

A longtime conspiracy theory is finally gaining traction within the Lunar Cities as many Loony’s admit they don’t believe humans ever landed on the Earth. Many of them make the claim that all the photos, videos and broadcasts that allegedly originated from Earth have been doctored and that the entire history of humanity’s existence on the planet was fabricated to help win the Terra Scare between the now broken up Confederate of Orbital Satellites and the New Lunar Republic. These theorists also question why no Lunar City has attempted to get to Earth after the first few missions decades ago and that Scuzz Albright, a member of the first crew that allegedly returned to Earth after it was abandoned, is a puppet of the Vuvalrian brain parasite that attempted to enslave the human species on three separate occasions.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman Suspiciously Too Attractive to be Working at Burger King

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Numerous Burger King customers in Virginia were shocked upon seeing how attractive the newest cashier was at one of the chain’s local, medium sized restaurants.

“I really couldn’t believe it,” said frequent Burger King diner Wayne Portman. “I was pretty sure she was an actress on one of them hidden camera shows or something. But I’ve seen her here maybe eight times in the last two weeks so it’s gotta be legitimate.”

The cashier, Barbara Bealman, started working at Burger King to help pay her way through college since her parents decided to stop paying after an embarrassing alcohol-related incident.

“I’ve never had a job before but everyone is super nice,” said Barbara. “People keep tipping me and giving me their phone numbers… I thought that was just for real fancy restaurants.”

Barbara’s coworkers meanwhile have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with the new cashier.

“Everyone at Burger King’s got something wrong with them,” said Regina Florres, one of the chain’s drive-thru window operators. “Half of our fry cooks have chronic eczema and most of them have braces into their 30s. A lot of the janitors and cleaning staff often try to communicate with the animals they find running around the serving area. Hell, even our manager only works here because he’s on house arrest and lives in one of the trailers that you always see parked in the parking lot. But this new girl… I can’t find one thing wrong with her.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #04 – David Hasselhoff; Patrick Warburton; Tom Cruise

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. David Hasselhoff Honored at 2016 Klu Klux Klan Banquet

David Hasselhoff was honored at the Klu Klux Klan’s annual award banquet on Sunday winning the title of “Best Aryan” for the twenty-third consecutive year in a row. Not surprisingly, the acclaimed actor of shows like Knight Rider and Baywatch did not show up at the Chick-fil-a in which the ceremony was held to receive his award, and in fact never has. Hasselhoff stated via Twitter that he has no idea why he is so highly praised in the white supremacist community, and kindly asks that members of the KKK stop leaving bouquet’s of crosses and small animal hides on his property.

 

2. Patrick Warburton’s Voice Charged with Murder

Patrick Warburton’s voice was charged with murder early this morning in what authorities are calling a “saddening display of an abuse of power.” First responders reported that the actor appeared to have used his voice to murder an ex-lover, however new and undisclosed evidence suggests that Warburton’s voice might have been acting alone. It’s possible that Warburton, Warburton’s voice and Warburton’s ex-lover were caught up in some sort of love triangle, however this is purely speculation. The actor and his voice have both been taken into custody.

 

3. Tom Cruise Running for President,  Nation’s Secondhand News Junkies Say

Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for US President in the upcoming 2016 election, according to many Americans who receive their news from gossiping coworkers. The actor apparently thought his experience climbing things and completing impossible missions is enough to make him a major contender as Head of State, thought thousands of Americans after they heard it from a friend. Most of those who actually thought this was true would have welcomed Tom Cruise as the next president, reportedly thinking that a scientologist in the White House would be an accurate representation of the conspiracy theorist nut-jobs who make up the majority of the American public.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week where we’ll reveal which Hollywood actresses are secretly Kabbalah demons.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.