Month: March 2015

Cancun Sinkhole Kills Hundreds of Future Congressmen

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Thousands of college students saw disaster during their spring break when a massive sinkhole opened up in Cancun, swallowing and killing a shocking number of intoxicated business and political science majors.

“I just can’t believe it happened, dude,” said survivor Joey Simmons, a senior at Harvard Business School. “I wasn’t there when it happened ‘cause I was makin’ out with some chick from Ithaca who was Portuguese or Filipino or one of those South America countries, but you could hear it happen. I remember she was like ‘did you hear that?’ and I was like ‘I didn’t say you could talk’ and we kept makin’ out.”

It’s still too early to tell, but some geologists claim that the area became unsettled when thousands of gallons of spilled alcohol mixed with birth control pills, creatine and reproductive fluids that had gathered underground from previous spring breaks. The resulting chemical concoction was a new, unidentified acid that literally dissolved the rocks, dirt and skeletons of forgotten tourists upon which the resort town rested.

“It’s the sort of thing that you see on the news and you’re like ‘OMG I feel so sorry for those people,’” said survivor Amanda Berringer. “But like now, we’re those people. It’s blowing my mind… this isn’t the sort of thing that’s supposed to happen in America.”

The surviving spring break-ers are now attempting to fill in the crater that was Cancun to make a giant nude-only swimming pool to try and salvage what’s left of their week-long party.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 16th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for March 16th,  2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Despite your determination, tenacity and iron will, you will not get the new sound system to work before the party on Saturday.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Tension will rise even further within your family this week so maybe don’t bring home any more black guys.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): He’s not flirting with you, he does that with everyone. In fact you should probably inform HR.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Big things are coming your way… no, seriously, there’s a truck coming straight for you! Run!!

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Nancy Reagan was super into astrology and she was the First Lady. I don’t know, maybe this stuff is for real.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You’ve been feeling really shut-in lately. Try reorganizing your home to make it look new, or maybe go outside and get a life.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): The only thing keeping you from your goals is you. I say that because your lack of experience and horrible credit is completely your fault.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Customarily you should leave 15-20%, depending on how the service was.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): I know things seem really bad right now, but it’s okay… you’ll die early.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You’re very angry at someone right now. Just remember to stay calm, take deep breaths and bury the body where no one will come looking.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I don’t know, where did you last remember putting it?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I think that last date went pretty well, too, but do you really think a guy like that hasn’t been with anyone in a year? I mean, really?

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Dress Successfully

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Hello, I’m John Francais Callahan. My entire life has been one upward journey from the lower-middle class to the top 1%. I got where I am today through hard work, detachment and a series of payoffs. And now I offer my wisdom in this weekly column here on Circus Killer News.

Today I am addressing an issue that has slowly been eating away at our nation’s integrity since the end of the Civil Rights Movement. I’m talking of course about the public dress code, or lack thereof. For decades, men in this country have slowly been easing back on the acceptability of children’s attire. It is now nearly impossible to walk one block without seeing a man wearing a t-shirt they obtained from a rock music concert in 2006, a hat being worn in the wrong direction, and a pair of loose-fitting shorts that were undoubtedly used to mop up cereal at some point. It is shameful to look at and I feel inclined to detail precisely how a man should dress himself if he wishes to be successful.

I should also clarify that this has nothing to do with the Civil Rights Movement and everything to do with Henry Fonda’s failures as a parent.

 

1. Suit. The phrase “a man is only as good as he dresses” is true to a degree. A man is also as good as the car he drives, the homes he owns, the women he’s slept with and the boats he’s taken those women out on shortly before they disappear. The reason why that phrase is true is because all of those things cost money. The more of those things you have, the more value you have as a human being. Ergo, the better the suit, the more valuable the man.

The Italians are good at three things – running small businesses, denying things in a court of law, and making suits. This is why Italian suits are the most expensive and why there is no Italian word for “embezzlement.” All of my suits are imported from Italy and probably cost more than your car. I wear each of them four times before selling them to a company that recycles old suits into coffin lining for dead Fortune 500 CEOs. This is the goal you want to work towards.

 

2. Necktie. A man’s tie represents his manhood. Your tie needs to be full, appropriately colored and made out of the same silk as Lou Dobbs’ hair. The only traditionally accepted colors are red, blue and occasionally black if you have a serious engagement to attend to, such as a horse’s funeral or a Bar Mitzvah. Every other color of tie is reserved for homosexuals; you are allowed to wear them but not too often as it might become offensive.

 

3. Hat. At no point is wearing a hat ever acceptable. If the Bible has taught us anything it’s that God intended white men to rule the Earth and that hair is directly related to power. By covering your hair with a hat, you are telling your opponents (which are every man that isn’t you) that you are cowardly and unsure of yourself. Hats and the newly formed “Hat Acceptance” movement are a leading cause of the destruction of traditional, American values.

Additionally, if you’re bald, there’s no hope for you.

 

That is all for this week’s edition of  “How to Succeed.”  I will be back next week with instructions on how to live your life better than however you are living it now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About DC Superheroes

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Last week we ran a piece about 10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About Marvel Superheroes.  The strangeness doesn’t stop there,  however,  as Marvel’s biggest competitor is not without its own character quirks.  Here are 10 of the strangest qualities about superheroes from the DC Comics universe.

 

1. The Flash had a female counterpart called “The Lady Flash,” however her comic was banned for nudity despite its unparalleled success.

2. Supergirl is actually Superman’s cousin. Krypto the Superdog is Superman’s uncle.

3. The Martian Manhunter is a shape-shifter who could lose the weight anytime he wants to. He’s just doesn’t want to right now.

4. Zatanna dresses like a stripper dressed as a magician to trick her enemies. In reality, she is an actual magician.

5. Before women’s suffrage, Wonder Woman was the Justice League’s secretary.

6. In the comics, Aquaman is the King of Atlantis. He often teams up with The Human Claus, King of the North Pole.

7. Black Canary’s main power is a supersonic screech, so she’s useless in space.

8. Batman doesn’t actually have any superpowers. His alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is just a billionaire who uses gadgets to fight crime in his decrepit city.

9. Green Arrow doesn’t actually have any superpowers. His alter ego, Oliver Queen, is just a billionaire who uses gadgets to fight crime in his decrepit city.

10. Cyborg was born half human and half machine. His father was a prominent computer technician and software developer, and his mother was a ’92 IBM computer.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Guy at Airport Might Be Dennis Quaid

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Businessman Philip Durst swears he saw actor Dennis Quaid at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport while returning from a business trip yesterday morning. According to Durst, Quaid was waiting in the same terminal for the same flight before receiving a phone call and leaving.

“I was just sitting there and I swear he looked exactly like Dennis Quaid,” said Durst. “So similar that I don’t see how it couldn’t have been him.”

Durst tried to confirm this with the people sitting around him, but the few people he spoke with had never heard of the actor. Durst wanted to ask more people but had already used the 100 words that the TSA allows passengers to bring past security.

“In hindsight I guess I should’ve just approached the guy,” continued Durst. “I’m sure those Hollywood types get that a lot, though. Probably would’ve annoyed him.”

When Durst told his work friends today, however, they all seemed uninterested, reports say.

“I just think it’s weird,” Durst allegedly told his coworkers, “because I just watched the movie Vantage Point like a week ago. And there he was.”

The story was met with a shrug or dismissive, “oh, cool,” from everyone he told it to. This in contrast to when he posted about it on Facebook, where he received an unprecedented 14 likes for the story.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News From the Future #01

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you three stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 20th, 2091 – Donald Trump Eyeing Lunar Presidency

Trillionaire and former US President Donald Trump hinted at the possibility of running for President of the Moon in the upcoming 2092 election. Although no official announcement has been made, rumors say that the 145-year-old has not kicked the taste for political leadership since he ran the People’s Republic of the United States of America of China in the 2070s. Most political strategists think this to be a premature move, however, as the Moon has yet to be declared its own nation. Trump believes that if this were to happen in his lifetime, his experience running nearly twelve businesses on the Moon, including three casinos, is enough for him to be declared a Lunar citizen, or a “Loony.”

 

2. April 1st, 2087 – Oil Discovered on Mars

This morning, the Indian Space Research Organization discovered naturally occurring petroleum deep beneath the surface of Mars while drilling to record the planet’s subterranean crust composition in the Cydonia region. The news came as a shock to the scientific community since petroleum is formed when decaying organic material is subjected to immense heat and pressure over hundreds of millions of years. This is the first real piece of evidence to suggest that life once existed on Mars at some point and in a large quantity. The ISRO has decided to put its efforts into studying the Cydonia region and invites all other space and extraterrestrial programs to join in.

 

3. April 2nd, 2087 – US Troops to Invade Mars,  Spread Democracy

The United States announced today that it will be sending troops to Mars in an effort to spread democracy. The Press Secretary said in a press release this morning that the barren, lifeless rock of a planet “lacks any real governing body and evidence suggests it’s harboring a slew of terrorist groups, especially the one that just did that attack.” The Press Secretary then revealed in a Reddit AMA that the focus of the incursion will be Mars’ Cydonia region.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Unemployed College Graduate Completely Prepared for Zombie Apocalypse

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Recent college graduate Jason Wilboro claims to be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse, having spent the two years since his graduation stocking up on supplies, taking survival courses and reading up on the subject instead of searching for gainful employment.

Jason began working as a cashier within a week after graduating, but was let go soon afterward for always leaving early, giving management a tough time and not showing up often enough. Jason considered looking for a new job after this, but decided instead that his time would be better spent gearing up for the end of the world.

“I could work my whole life away. Earn money, start a family, the whole deal. But just imagine what will happen when the whole world goes to shit. Zombies are probably the most likely scenario but it could really happen any way. And when it does, I’ll be the one holding all the cards.”

Jason has since abandoned the possibility of finding employment and eagerly awaits the beginning of the apocalypse.

“It’ll be tough being one of the only survivors,” Jason told us while cashing a check his mother mailed him. “If you’re not already prepared when it hits, if you’re not strong and independent enough like I am, you’re just as good as dead when it happens.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #02 – Harrison Ford; Kim Kardashian; Justin Bieber

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Welcome to this week’s edition of  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one celebrity gossip blog you’ve never heard of.  Here’s what’s happening this week in the lives of people more important than you:

 

1. Harrison Ford Beaches Submarine

Last week, actor Harrison Ford crashed a small plane on a golf course while flying it recreationally. The star of films such as Star Wars and Blade Runner made a speedy recovery and was released from the hospital a few days later, however early this morning Ford reportedly beached a small one-man submarine on a shore just outside of Los Angeles. Early reports say that the actor will probably be okay, however authorities have begun impounding his vehicles so that he doesn’t wreck anything else when he is released from the hospital. The state of California might suspend his driving license, boating license, piloting license, spaceship license and horse license pending a hearing sometime this month, according to some reports.

 

2. Kim Kardashian Comes Out as Blond

Kim Kardashian shocked some of her fans this week when she revealed that she is actually a blonde. The announcement was made via social media when Kim posted several images of her true self via Instagram. Many of her friends and family say they have always suspected this about Kim but didn’t want to address it until she was comfortable enough to say it first. No word yet on how this might affect her modeling career or acting career or whatever it is that she does exactly, but so far her fans and the blonde community have been nothing but supportive.

 

3. Justin Bieber Publishes Dissertation on Swagger

And lastly for this week, Justin Bieber has published his dissertation on swagger, titled “The Nature of Swag, Girl,” which he wrote to receive his doctorate in music. The young pop sensation has been trying to earn his doctorate from Turnt University for several years now and hopes to become the next big doctor of music since Dr. Dre. Some time this summer, Bieber will have to defend his dissertation in front of a panel of seasoned musicians who include Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Blake Shelton and Pharrell Williams.

 

That’s it for gossip this week.  Check back this Tuesday for more and every other weekday for other stories.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Neighbors’ Race Still a Mystery

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Calvin and Olivia Jones from Chicago have yet to determine the race of the family that moved in to the apartment next door, reports say. The debate has continued since the family moved in last November and appears to get farther from a consensus with each new piece of evidence.

Calvin and Olivia have tried everything they could think of to solve this mystery, including searching through the family’s garbage, attempting to figure out what language they shout in, and using smell to try and identify what sort of food they’re cooking.

“It’s just so vexing,” said Olivia, “to be living next to someone and not know where they’re from. I mean, race isn’t like a big deal or anything. I’m not saying that because I’d be more afraid if they were from a certain place, that’s not what I mean. It’s just really weird not knowing.”

“It’s not like the sort of thing you can just bring up with them, either,” said Calvin. “I think the best thing we can do at this point is to just wait for the next World Cup and determine what country they’re rooting for based on how much our walls start to shake from noise.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Microwave Breaks, Starves

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Anthony Gremble, a 26-year-old software engineer from Rhode Island, was found dead in his apartment this past Sunday. Anthony had apparently starved to death after his microwave broke and he couldn’t heat up any food.

“He was lying face-down in the kitchen, trying to figure out how fruit works from the looks of it,” said Officer Dave Chapel, the first to arrive on the scene. “Of course we didn’t officially know how it happened until the autopsy but anyone could guess. The time display on the microwave was blank and his freezer was full of uneaten frozen foods. The food was still good so I’ll probably be taking that home with me.”

Like most people his age, Anthony did not know how to prepare food beyond sticking something in the microwave for a few minutes. Anthony’s parents were reportedly charged with Unintentional Manslaughter this morning for never teaching their son how to properly feed himself.

“I just don’t understand how we can be at blame here,” said Anthony’s mother. “The truth is, I never learned to cook myself. We’re a microwave family. Always have been, always will be. I don’t know why my son didn’t just order takeout.”

“The police are looking in the wrong direction,” said Anthony’s father. “A lot of people knew our son relied heavily on his microwave. Anyone could’ve broken into his apartment and sabotaged the machine. You make a lot of enemies in the software engineering business. I just hope the police find whoever actually did this.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.