Month: April 2015

13 Ways to Tell if Your Friend is Straight

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It’s likely that someone in your life is a closeted straight man who is too afraid to tell you because he doesn’t want to be judged or mistreated. Some hide their heterosexuality well, and the first step to helping your straight friend come to terms with his sexuality is identifying him. Here are a few qualities that only straight men possess:

 

1. The only place straight men cook is outside.

2. Straight men will often go days without bathing. Check to see if he uses AXE body spray instead of soap.

3. It’s easy to tell if a man is straight by observing his attire. If he wears a polo, thigh-high tube socks or no jewelry aside from a class or championship ring, he’s definitely straight.

4. Straight men don’t like change. The only change they actively participate in has something to do with cars and oil.

5. On average, straight men will only spend about 0.04% of their time with their kids.

6. Straight men only like two kinds of balls – meat and foot. Strike up a conversation to see if these are all things he’s into.

7. Gay men actually can’t go bald.

8. See if he uses words like “golf,” “Home Depot,” or “horse power.”

9. Straight men will never eat finger foods. They only use their fingers for sports, changing channels and wiping crumbs from their mouths while discussing precisely how Obama has ruined the private boating industry.

10. Only the straightest of men love tools, guns and other phallic objects.

11. Remember this rhyme: if he’s overweight, he’s really straight.

12. Clint Eastwood.

13. A lot of men will claim to be straight, but only those who don’t fear homosexuality actually are.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Apple’s New ‘iFlush’ to Begin Shipping in May

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Apple fans across the country are waiting with anticipation for the company’s “iFlush,” to begin selling at the end of next month. The iFlush is the first ever smart toilet that can interface wirelessly through a user’s iPhone or iPad, as well as physically through a user’s butt.

“Once synchronizing the iFlush to any hand-held Apple device,” said Apple spokesperson Navika Vasgupti, “the user can control their iFlush anywhere, anytime. As you can see, not only can I flush remotely, but I can also heat the seat, dispense cleaning fluid and plunge any leftover waste that might be clogging the plumbing.”

The iFlush was delayed multiple times due to an issue with its “auto-plunge” feature that shot clogged waste back up at users while they were using the device. Vasgupti assured during the Apple press conference, however, that this issue was corrected.

“Apple has revolutionized the bathroom experience,” said Vasgupti, “by adding a series of new features that are unlike any toilet you’ve ever seen. For a small extra fee, anyone can download any hundred of additional apps that can turn your iFlush into a gaming system, news outlet or home theater. You’ll never have to leave your toilet again.”

“But that’s not all,” Vasgupti continued. “The iFlush can also be synced to the iCloud. This gives users the ability to store all of their bowel movements so that they can be viewed at any time or shared with a friend.”

The price of the iFlush has yet to be announced, but many tech journalists predict a smart toilet like the iFlush will be in almost every home within the next 10 years.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #05

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 12th, 2019 – Zombies March in Livingston in Protest of New Mississippi Law

Four hours ago, a horde of zombies began marching through the streets of Livingston, Mississippi, in protest of the state’s new “Armed Survivors” law that allows civilians to shoot any living dead they come across. Since their initial rise eight months ago, the nation’s zombies have been constantly threatened, hunted and denied the rights of living citizens. The protest appears to be a bad move on the part of the zombies as dozens of civilians and armed service people alike have met at the site of the protest to begin picking off the horde of the restless one by one. Still, many are saying that this might become the longest protest in history because in the last four hours the zombies have only made it five feet.

 

2. January 27th, 2036 – Global Rise in Sea Levels Must Mean Second Biblical Flood, America’s Leaders Say

Sea levels around the world have risen an average of 40 feet in the last 20 years, causing many US public officials to declare that a second biblical flood is upon us. Several representatives of Congress agree that recent trends such as the acceptance of homosexuality, “allowing more Hispanics in politics,” and jean shorts, have angered God enough to send another flood to Earth and cleanse the world of such sins. Congress recently approved the construction of an ark massive enough to hold half of the nation’s congressman, along with their families, mistresses and top three favorite lobbyists, to be finished in exactly five years.

 

3. January 28th, 2041 – US Government Sees Most Productive Day in US History

It was confirmed at 7:30pm EST tonight that the US government held its most productive day in the history of the nation, with congress passing more laws and writing more bills today than have been passed or written in the last five years. With the vast majority of the country’s senior elected officials refusing to run in the previous election and choosing instead to wait aboard a massive $56 billion wooden ship, America’s new, youngest-ever batch of congressmen and women managed to cut the deficit in half, create 6 million more jobs and start a series of environmental programs which scientists estimate will normalize the planet’s climate and recede the world’s sea levels by 2044, most of whom while wearing stylish new jean shorts from today’s hottest gay Hispanic designers.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Disgusting Teen Refuses to Floss

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Family and friends of Tennessee teenager Armand Watkins were distraught upon discovering that the 19-year-old Kmart box boy has never flossed in his life.

“I just don’t see the point,” Armand reportedly told his family last week. “Unless I’m eating popcorn or beef or something, I really don’t feel anything getting stuck between my teeth. And even then it falls out eventually, so what’s the point?”

Tennessee Governor Bill Haslam quarantined Armand after hearing about the teenager’s sickening habits, worried that they might spread to other parts of the state.

“We want to stop this problem before it becomes a major epidemic,” Governor Haslam told reporters during a press conference early this morning. “Not only will Armand’s breath become a major public health issue, but if we stand by and do nothing then Armand’s ideologies might spread faster than the foul odor within his mouth.”

The CDC has reportedly been trying to teach Armand how to floss and why it’s important, but so far he has been uncooperative.

Meanwhile, Armand’s family and friends can’t get over the fact that he has been neglecting his hygienic responsibilities for so long without them realizing.

“He seemed like everyone else,” said one of Armand’s high school friends. “He came to school like everyone else, joined clubs like everyone else, ate the things that everyone else ate. It shocks me to think that something like this could be happening right under my friend’s nose.”

“It is important that people know,” said Armand’s mother, “that our family does not condone this sort of behavior. We are as shocked as anyone that our son could be capable of something so heinous and we hope his actions don’t reflect poorly on his fellow white Tennesseans.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #06 – Dwayne Johnson; Michael Bay; Chester Cheetah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Hollywood to Begin Producing More Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnsons

Numerous Hollywood executives have come together in an effort to start manufacturing additional copies of Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson to be used for various titles across multiple production companies. The first Dwayne Johnson has been a huge success, able to perform spectacularly in comedy roles, action roles and live performances, as well as connect with all age groups and across previously unbroken racial boundaries. No word yet on how duplicates will interfere with the current Dwayne Johnson’s career or if  “The Rock”  will even agree to have himself duplicated, but Hollywood is hopeful since the wrestler-turned-actor has yet to turn down anything.

 

2. Only Four Dead at Michael Bay’s Annual Easter Bash

Only four people died at Hollywood director Michael Bay’s annual Easter celebration this past Sunday, a record low for the event. Every year, Bay hosts an Easter bash at his home inviting all of the children in his neighborhood. The children are then encouraged to play traditional Easter games with a Michael Bay twist, such as painting Easter grenades and playing with a giant anthropological CGI rabbit armed with swords and machine guns. Despite the yearly deaths, injuries and lifetime scarring, Bay is still allowed to make things for children.

 

3. Chester Cheetah Back in Rehab

Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah was admitted back into a rehabilitation clinic over the weekend for his continued abuse of alcoholic and narcotic substances. Chester has been in an out of rehab since becoming the cheesy snack’s official cartoon spokesperson in 1986, but has reportedly fallen into his worst spiral yet ever since he heard that a sequel was in the works for Paul Blart: Mall Cop. It is unclear as to whether or not Chester will be allowed to resume his post as Cheetos mascot. In the meantime, Cheetos’ parent company Frito-Lay has appointed Tom Selleck as the new Cheetos mascot for his history of being both dangerously hot and dangerously cheesy.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Check back next week for a chance to win a signed patch of Betty White’s skin.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

ADDITIONAL DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer does not own the character  “Chester Cheetah”  or Cheetos snacks. These are both properties of Cheetos and Frito-Lay.
Circus Killer also does not own Dwayne  “The Rock”  Johnson.  This is a property of the greater Hollywood industry.

Black Cop Unsure Who to Hate

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Officer Travis McCormick, a black police officer from Kentucky, has reportedly had a difficult time figuring out whom to hate ever since police brutality and racial discrimination have become popular topics of media controversy.

“I used to be able to pull over speeders regardless of their race,” said McCormick. “Now I can’t pull over black drivers without feeling guilty or white drivers without being accused of racism.”

McCormick says that everything about his job and his life is starting to revolve around racial unrest, which puts the long-time officer in a general state of confusion.

“Often my fellow officers will joke around and ask me how my day was robbing convenient stores and stealing cars,” continued McCormick. “Then a few black people I meet while I’m in uniform will ask me how my day beating and strangling minorities is going. I don’t do either of those things, and I don’t know which one I find more offensive.”

McCormick has managed to find a positive to being stuck between two worlds, however.

“In my precinct all police officers are required to arrest no less than six black suspects a month. Any officer in this town is lucky to come across six criminals in a year, so usually I just place myself under arrest and then let myself go after letting myself sit in my squad car for a few hours. All the other officers think all black people look the same, so I haven’t been caught yet.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Dinner at Friendly’s Clearly a Big Deal for Family at Other Table

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Couple Marcy Allen and Cindy Schumacher became filled with sympathy yesterday when they stopped for dinner at a Friendly’s on their way back from an out-of-state Easter get-together, and realized that the family sitting nearest to them had dressed up for their dinner.

“At first I thought they had maybe been with family all day for Easter like Mark and I had,” said Cindy, “and that’s why they were dressed up. But then the mother told one of the younger children to not play with her food because if she spilled any it would ‘ruin her restaurant clothes.’ That means they dressed out of their Easter wear and put on formal dining clothes just so that they could go to Friendly’s.”

“It’s literally right off the highway,” said Marcy. “There’s no back way into [the restaurant]. That means they all piled into a car and got onto a 4-lane highway just so they could get here. Is there just nothing else where they live or something?”

Marcy and Cindy really started feeling bad for the other family when the restaurant’s only waitress came out to sing a birthday song.

“It wasn’t for any of the kids,” continued Cindy, “it was for the father. He turned 41-years-old yesterday and decided to celebrate at Friendly’s. I mean it just terrifies me that people live that way.”

Marcy and Cindy felt so uncomfortable that they ended up skipping desert, which is really the only reason why anyone goes to Friendly’s.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of April 6th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for April 6th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been feeling more motivated than usual. It’s amazing how far you’ll go when the things you love are held for ransom.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Now that the weather’s getting warm you don’t have an excuse to not go jogging.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I don’t know why the Reverend didn’t choose you to be his Easter Slut this year but it’s like the Reverend says, God thinks you’re ugly. By the way I’m pretty sure you’re in a cult.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Avoid highways this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Lately you feel like you haven’t been your usual outgoing self, but nobody said quitting cocaine was easy.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Low fat options exist, you know.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You feel like you’re in need of a spiritual cleanse. Get one quickly or you’ll be forced to undergo a spiritual enema.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Don’t let every opportunity slip through your fingers, definitely take that extra moment to fill out the survey that Sam’s Club keeps emailing you about.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Be nice to someone this week. It’ll catch your enemies off-guard.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): No, Matzah is not a Jewish money making scheme used to keep the Illuminati Lizard-Men in the White House. Stop reading that blog that the youngest Romney son writes.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Alright, you go for the safe. I’m on crowd control.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like people have been judging you. If only your trial wasn’t being broadcasted on national television…

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Eat Successfully

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My name is John Francais Callahan. By the time you finish reading this sentence I’ll have made enough money to buy everything you own out from under you. Instead of destroying you, however, I offer my wisdom on becoming a wealthy, successful and powerful man so that I can create more powerful enemies to destroy at a later date.

Today I will be addressing the topic of eating. Most people know how to do it, unless of course they’ve forgotten due to irreparable brain damage from a horse archery accident like the daughter of one of my billionaire coworkers, but few people know how to do it successfully. Eating correctly is a valuable skill to have because most business deals take place either over meals or during illegal yacht parties in international waters where nude models typically serve food anyway.

Here are some things to keep in mind while eating.

 

1. Ordering. First of all, no meal should ever be eaten in your home. A home cooked meal is for children and immigrants who can’t afford takeout. All of your meals should be eaten in restaurants, on airplanes or off of a blond hooker’s body if you happen to be entertaining some Japanese businessmen in your office.

Your waitress, like most serving staff, should be female. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that their bodies are simply built better for carrying things. But there is a passive, subconscious sexual tango between myself and every waitress who serves me, and it starts with ordering.

Start by ordering the most expensive bottle of brown liquor the establishment has. This will impress everyone in your immediate area and it’s what successful men deserve. If you’re in a restaurant that doesn’t serve any brown liquor then let someone else order for you. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about feminine drinks like wine or water, and even though letting someone else order for you could be misconstrued as a sacrifice of power, it’s always inappropriate to lie unless you’re discussing your income with the IRS.

Next you have to order food. Your entrée needs to have meat, and there are only two kinds of meat you’re allowed to eat – beef, or anything you have hunted and killed personally. Often you will be prompted to order a soup or salad with your meal. Never order salad. Vegetables are just food for actual food, at no point should they pass your lips. Additionally, appetizers are only appropriate if at least one other person in your party is also ordering one. It is imperative, however, that you never “split” or “share” an appetizer. Sharing is a sign of weakness and liberalism, and neither of those things have a place at the table.

 

I will continue this next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Ways You Can Tell Spring is Coming

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Each day we get a little further from winter and a little deeper into spring. It’s easy to tell that this transition is underway not just because it says so on our calendars, but also because of a few natural processes you can observe happening every year. Here are 14 ways to tell that spring is coming.

 

1. Birds have started chirping again, waking you up at 4 in the goddamn morning.

2. Shirtless douchebags have started playing guitar in the quad.

3. You start thinking that “taking a walk” will be fun somehow.

4. Weird vegetable juices are becoming popular again.

5. All that horrible snow turns into all this horrible rain.

6. You start feeling guilty for staying inside and watching TV all day.

7. Your rich neighbor has started talking about his boat more.

8. There’s just this constant sound of children playing, throwing you into a depressive spiral over your lost youth.

9. The sun is setting later so your commute home sucks now.

10. Attractive people have started to wear about 60% less clothing.

11. There’s a resurgence of golf, tennis and other white people sports.

12. Your eyes have begun watering more than you ever thought possible as your nose starts to generate so much snot that you’re wondering if you’re losing weight somehow.

13. Adorable little fuzzy creatures start popping out – more targets.

14. Bugs.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.