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Millennial Living At Home With Parents Hiding Secret Second Family

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Thom and Dana Corrigan of Celroy, Massachusetts, were shocked to discover this past Monday that their 24-year-old son Josh had been hiding a secret second family from them for nearly three years. Josh has been living with Thom and Dana since graduating college two years ago.

What surprised Thom and Dana the most, however, is that the family their son was seeing in secret consisted of Josh and a different married couple Thom and Dana’s age. Psychologist Marianna Quinn commented on the matter.

“In most cases of secret families you have a man, typically a man of influence, who falls out of love with his spouse and in love with someone else. Instead of leaving his spouse he starts a new life with his new love, often in a different town and under a different name. And then of course the original spouse finds out she burns down the childhood home of that bitch who ruined her life but makes sure she’s somewhere public when it all goes down so she has a solid alibi… but anyway, the case of Josh Corrigan is different because he didn’t start a new family. He just latched onto a different one.”

Thom and Dana were under the impression that their son Josh had a part time job; he would play video games during the day, and then leave for his job at night. In truth, Josh had no part time job. At night he would instead go to the home of empty nesters Riley and Shauna Levinson and continue playing video games at their house.

“Our son Daniel was in a car accident three years ago,” said Shauna. “One day Josh came to our door and told us that he was Daniel, but that the accident rearranged his face so he looked different now. We had no reason not to believe him.”

In truth, Josh and Daniel had planned this stunt together while the two met as roommates in college. Josh confessed to Daniel that he had no aspirations in life, and Daniel was sick of his parents taking care of him. The two faked a car accident so that Josh could assume Daniel’s sheltered life, and Daniel could move across the country to become more independent.

The two were finally caught when Shauna Levinson caught Josh eating a burger.

“My son Daniel would never eat red meat,” said Shauna. “He’s too afraid of that mad cow disease. I’m not sure what really gave it away, but it was definitely either the burger or the fact that Josh would constantly hit on me.”

Josh has been charged with identify fraud, and Daniel has been charged with aiding and abetting. Their life’s story is currently being adapted into a comedy movie that probably stars Ryan Reynolds and some nerd.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

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Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

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A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Can’t Frequent Parking Garage Without Action Scene Erupting

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Businessman D’von Marks was inconvenienced yet again today when a walk to his car through a parking garage turned into an explosive confrontation between two criminal parties.

“I can’t believe this keeps happening to me,” said Marks. “Every goddamn day I just come here to leave work and go home but there’s always some illicit deal going on that turns violent.”

Today Marks witnessed an exchange between a disheveled, classically good-looking man holding a briefcase and a woman wearing a business suit who was accompanied by several silent armed men. Marks comes across an encounter like this almost every day.

“Sometimes both people are holding a briefcase,” said Marks. “Sometimes it’s two men in suits. But there’s always some weird shady deal going on in this parking garage. I don’t know if the police are unaware or they just don’t care. But they should have one patrol car in every parking garage in the city.”

Marks reported the confrontation turned violent when the disheveled man refused to turn over the briefcase until having confirmation that his family was okay. The woman in the suit, however, demanded that the man “hand over the disk.”

“I just tried to ignore them and keep walking,” said Marks, “I tried to get to my car before it turned bad. But ‘hand over the disk?’ I mean, that’s just cliché for the sake of being clichéd. It was a briefcase, not a disk. Unless she was talking about a flash drive in the briefcase, and if so, then just call it a flash drive. Or better yet, use the damn Cloud and you wouldn’t kidnap this guy’s family. Goddamn.”

Eventually shooting erupted as it always does. Marks hid behind an Impala as cars and bullets whizzed by. A few cars exploded.

“I don’t know how I’ve survived all this time,” said Marks, “and I can’t believe my car hasn’t been shot up yet or stolen by the good guy as he attempts to flee the scene empty handed. Maybe I should start parking on the street again and hope that giant monster the government accidentally made doesn’t rampage through the city again.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump’s Immigration Policy Could Keep Santa Out Of US in 2017

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President-elect Donald Trump took heat today when it was announced that, if enacted, his immigration policies would forbid Santa Claus from visiting the United States and delivering presents next Christmas.

“America first means North Pole second,” said Trump to a picture of himself this morning and then later to a group of reporters clustered outside of Trump Tower. “All our jobs are leaving this country, if you look at what’s happening, they’re going to China, they’re going to Mexico, they’re going to the North Pole. Obama has been sending these jobs away and they’re not coming back, folks. I’m going to bring them back.”

This statement has sparked outrage with parents across the country who rely on Father Christmas to provide the plastic, electronic shit that children need as a substitute to actual parenting.

“I don’t have time to go shopping for Christmas presents,” says Wanda Kirkmand, a single mother of three, “and I can barely scrape up enough money each year, too. Without help from Santa Claus I can’t guarantee my son will get the new desktop computer he demands every year.”

Santa Claus will be kept out of the United States with a ceiling Trump hopes to build over US airspace. The ceiling will attach to the top of the prospective US-Mexico border wall and then just slope down over the rest of the country.

“[Santa Claus] enters this country illegally every year,” continued Trump, “and we have to put an end to it. We’re gonna be winning the war on Christmas, believe me.”

When asked to comment on the matter, Saint Nick himself laughed off the scandal.

“I haven’t been to the United States in years,” said Mr. Claus. “There hasn’t been a nice child in America since the invention of color television.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Search for Missing M&M Reaches Third Minute

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An M&M was dropped just three minutes ago by divorced scrapbooker Elizabeth Fay. Fay was eating the candy alone in her bed while watching the Food Network when a green M&M missed her mouth and fell to an unknown location.

“Usually when I drop one it’s no big deal. It’ll be on my chest or on the bed next to me, sometimes even the floor. I’ve never gone this long without finding it before.”

Fay’s search initially began with the pat down method, searching for a hard lump between her clothes and her skin. While Fay found a number of lumps in her stomach and breasts, none of them were the missing candy.

“Most of those lumps were inside my body,” said Fay, “which is a disappointment because I thought I may’ve found other candies and treats I lost through the years.”

Fay then checked the bed, the pillow and under the sheets. Still, the candy could not be found. Determined, Fay so much as removed herself from the bed and ran her hands through the sheets.

“That time I did find other food items I’ve lost over the years,” said Fay. “None of them were M&M’s, however, and none of them green. I mean, a lot were green, but none that were supposed to be.”

It was then that Fay got on her hands and knees to inspect the floor around and under the bed. Still, nothing.

“At that moment I began questioning everything I knew about reality,” said Fay. “Did I really drop the M&M? Was it really green? What was I even eating? Was my husband an M&M, is that why he left me?”

Three minutes in and Fay has torn her bedroom apart in search of the missing candy. It seems like a hopeless cause, but then again so does Fay.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Unsure if He at Right Funeral

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Dan Knapur, a pharmacist from Maryland, has started to question whether or not he is currently at the correct funeral. The funeral he should be at right now is for an ex-boyfriend of his friend Lisa whom he was supposed to meet at the funeral. Lisa, however, was nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell is she?” Dan thought to himself an hour and a half ago. “I have no idea who this guy is, I don’t want to be here alone. It’s rude or something.”

Suspicion initially arose during the eulogy, which was given by the wife of the deceased. “Jesus, this guy was married?” thought Dan. “To her? That woman is in her 50s… when the hell did he and Lisa break up? Wait a second, why does this woman keep saying ‘David’ over and over? I thought his name was Antoine.”

Dan then noticed that most of the men attending the funeral were wearing yamakas, the traditional ceremonial headwear of the Jewish people.

“Huh. Lisa never told me she dated a Jew,” thought Dan. “Unless there are some Christians who wear those things, too. That’s possible, right? I heard that Mormons wear a different kind of underwear… I’m sure there’s some Christians that uses those hats.”

Soon Dan forgot all about Lisa and was moved by proceedings. He became enthralled by the stories of David’s life and all the people he touched. As Dan followed the funeral procession from the synagogue to Mount Chutzpah cemetery, Dan found himself reflecting on his own mortality and how important it is to hold onto the right people and let the wrong ones go.

“I need to tell Lisa I love her,” thought Dan at the burial. “I need to show her that I’m here for her and will always be by her side. Not right now, obviously, but you know… eventually.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Donald Trump Cuts to Chase and Just Masturbates on Stage for Four Minutes

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Presidential candidate Donald Trump shocked the nation yesterday evening when he simply dropped his pants during a rally and proceeded to masturbate in front of tens of thousands of his supporters. The billionaire reportedly became aroused while discussing his plans to set American women back fifty years.

“Me and my buddy was arguin’ over whether or not Trump handin’ out free shirts was too socialist,” said Jonah Ells, a Trump supporter and attendee of the rally. “Trump was up there spittin’ out words and turnin’ his face all red and swollen like usual when we realized his pants was around his ankles and he was goin’ at it like me when I used the internet for the first time in my life two months ago.”

While many Americans were shocked by Trump’s lurid act, some viewed it simply a matter of time.

“I predicted this would happen,” said political pundit Bram Newhauer. “The whole reason why Trump is running for president is to jerk himself off. We’ve known that since the beginning and that’s exactly what he’s been doing this whole time. What nobody anticipated is how well Mr. Trump can jerk off half the nation.”

Trump finished after four minutes, however many of his supporters started to copy their leader, creating the largest group masturbation session in recorded history.

“It’s no great mystery why none of his supporters actually engaged in intercourse at the rally,” said Newhauer. “Trump supporters are a very prideful people. They’re proud of their race, their country, their beliefs, their lack of diversity, and they’re not afraid to express that. Anyone with that much pride in those things, however, is constantly jerking themselves off, typically without even realizing it.”

Trump is scheduled to have a rally this upcoming Thursday, where it is believed that he will be dressing up a copy of the United States Constitution in women’s clothing so that he can force himself onto the unwilling document in front of everyone. If that happens, it will likely be viewed as the only promise Donald Trump will actually keep if he is elected.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

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Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Realistic McDonald’s Ads to Begin Airing this Spring

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McDonald’s spokesperson Jerry Panterson announced today that a new line of advertising will begin airing this spring that will be aimed at the type of people who actually do eat at McDonald’s.

“We’ve tried and tried to get new crowds into our restaurants for years by making commercials that appeal to different demographics,” said Panterson. “All of our ads show customers who are attractive and thin and trendy and smile a lot and who don’t have children and are accepting of other people’s lifestyles, but it’s time to face reality. Customers like that simply don’t exist.”

Panterson admits that the McDonald’s advertising team had simply never been inside any of their restaurants and had no idea what they actually like. That team was let go last week and has been replaced by a group of actual McDonald’s customers who, like everyone else that regularly eats at McDonald’s, has never worked in advertising, marketing or any other corporate field.

“We’re excited to finally have a team that really understands our customers,” said Panterson. “This is a new era for McDonald’s; a truthful, legitimate era.”

The team has already begun brainstorming new slogans for fast food chain, including ear-catchers like “When Wendy’s is Closed,” and “Napkins So Fancy They Still Smell like Trees,” and “I’m Accepting It.”

New commercials are reportedly in the process of being filmed, which allegedly feature teenagers with zits, senior citizens who always look depressed, guys who wear work boots more than any other kind of shoe, children who speak louder than is physically possible, people who wear hats solely because their hair is too greasy, and a woman wearing two crosses around her neck for some reason.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.