Author: circuskiller

SPECIAL REPORT: Skin Care

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Taking care of one’s skin is an important and often overlooked aspect of hygiene. There are many different skin care treatments and methods, but unfortunately there’s no way to scientifically prove if any of them work because all scientists are liars. In this Circus Killer News Special Report we’ll detail a variety of skin care regimens out there, from the popular to the surreptitious, so that you can try them out for yourself and maybe find a solution to that gross outer layer of your disgusting, pig-like body.

There are a multitude of products out there that supposedly help you get healthier skin, but all of them warrant caution. Ever since President Trump appointed Mayor McCheese to the head of the FDA, many regulations that kept harmful drugs off the shelves have been repealed, and unsafe drugs are back on the market. One of the most popular facial scrubs out there is “Proderis,” which is currently facing a scandal amidst rumors that the cream contains gluten. It has also been suggested that Proderis’ manufacturer swept negative trial results under the rug during the testing phase, which accounts for why many of its users have become sick, developed rashes, and grown antennae out of their cheeks.

With the increasing social acceptance of cannabis, there have been many skin ointments and jells appearing in stores that utilize the healing properties of marijuana. To copy its success, a few cutting-edge drug companies have started experimenting with skin creams that contain heroine, LSD, and methamphetamines. Early reports for these experimental drugs vary, but the LSD cream allegedly gives you the ability to talk to walls and to melt people’s faces by shooting butterflies with teeth at them out of your eyeballs.

Of course there are ways to take care of your skin without the use of medication. You can naturally absorb Vitamin D from the sun’s rays, which has been proven to clear up unwanted blemishes. Vitamin D is also the name of an amateur rapper who lives in my building, and he claims through his music that he can cure any ailment via sexual intercourse. Both methods are certainly worth a try.

There are also a few homeopathic skin care regimens that are safe, easy, and completely rational. Rubbing rocks all over your body, for example, is a way to suck out all the negative energies that cause skin diseases, provided those rocks are from the bottom of a stream and have been sensually kissed by a virgin. Proponents of homeopathy also argue that music can have healing properties and will often take turns getting naked in front of each other and yelling at their skin until it looks healthier. Other homeopathic methods include pouring boiling tea on your skin, rolling around nude in magical sand, and snakes.

The most bizarre, expensive, and niche skin regimen of all is a process called a “skin peel,” and it’s what most celebrities and rich people do to look young and beautiful. The elite will go to a fancy hospital/spa and through a low-risk surgical procedure will get all of their skin removed. As they spend the day getting pampered, workers will rinse their skin in a luxurious chemical bath and iron out all those unsightly wrinkles. The skin is then glued back onto its owner at the end of the day, and they leave feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

There are countless ways you can take care of your skin, and you’ll never know which method works best for you until you try them all. Be safe, be healthy, and please let me eat your skin.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Fox News Correspondent Not Sure What Slant To Put On Story About Transgender Muslim Police Dog

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Fox News correspondent Hunter Toddson found himself in hot water on Monday when he accidentally stepped onto a geyser that had opened up in his pro-fracking town. Yesterday, however, Toddson found himself in metaphorical hot water when he had to produce a news story for his local Fox station about a transgender Muslim police dog who rescued a small child from a fire.

“At Fox we put stories into two categories,” he said. “The first is the Light Group, which is stories that promote traditional values, American heroes, our suave and intelligent President, anything we want to shed a light on to show how great this nation is. The second group is the Dark Group, which is stories about immigrants committing crimes, liberal college professors spilling food, people who have choked to death on socialism, or other terrors in this country lurking in the shadows that we have to report on.”

Toddson says that this particular news story fits into both the Light Group and the Dark Group and he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

“Any story about a dog, the third most American animal behind eagles and freshwater salmon, belongs in the Light Group. Combine that with the fact that this dog is an authority figure that dashed into a burning building and you got yourself a solid positive slant story. But on the other hand, transgenderism and anything having to do with non-Christian faiths is clearly a Dark Group story.”

As more details about the incident unfold, Toddson found his decision became increasingly difficult.

“It turns out the dog’s parents were both immigrants, which ordinarily would put this story in the Dark Group. But the dog also served in Afghanistan, which is a Light Group trait. The dog also turned out to be a Trump supporter, which is Light, but I just found out that the dog is female. I just don’t know what to do.”

Toddson says he will likely toss the entire story and instead write a piece about the firefighter who stood up for his religious rights by heroically refusing to put out that same fire because it was in an atheist’s apartment.

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Common Dreams And What They Mean

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Dreams are one of the most peculiar functions of the human brain. People will often look for complex or even mystical meanings behind their dreams, but dreams are much simpler than people make them out to be. This is because every function of the human body, including dreams, relates to sex, food, death, and nothing else.

 

Flying – Flying, floating, and levitating are all very common dreams. Some people even claim to feel the sensation that they’re flying when they’re awake and on an airplane. If you have a dream that you can fly, it probably just means you have gas.

Falling – Unlike flying dreams, falling is when you’re plummeting through the air and have no control over it. Falling dreams mean that your spouse is having an affair with their sky diving instructor.

Teeth Falling Out – Dreams about losing teeth, hair, pancreases, and other body parts are common among people who are stressed out. These dreams usually mean that a spider is crawling into your open mouth at that very moment.

Back In High School – This is one of the most common dreams for people in their thirties. If you recently had a dream that you were back in high school then the person you lost your virginity to has just died.

Sex Dream – Though it’s a common mistake, sex dreams actually have nothing to do with sex. They usually just mean you’re a terrible, wicked human being and that you desperately need Jesus in your life.

Being Chased By Something – These are more like nightmares than dreams. Some scientists say that they are a precursor to paranoia, but others believe they are due to mind control microwaves that the government is blasting into your home from that unmarked van across the street.

Getting Your Mind Hacked Into – These aren’t dreams, they’re memories. You’ve been incepted.

Your Own Death – Many people have dreams about when and how they will die, but these dreams are almost never accurate. In truth, dreams about your own death mean that you’re pregnant, or have just gotten someone pregnant.

Someone Else’s Death – Unlike dreaming about your own death, this type of dream is completely real. Start saying your goodbyes.

William H. Macy – Humans have been having dreams about William H. Macy for thousands of years. Scientists still don’t know what these dreams signify.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Santa Claus

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For many Americans, Christmas is a joyous time filled with merriment, warm tidings, and credit card debt. Every year, millions of Americans gather to spend time with their families, exchange gifts, and engage in an assortment of ritualistic cult activities. But there’s a yearly terror that rears its chubby, bearded head every Christmas season, and the name of that terror is Santa Claus.

There are many conflicting reports on who Santa Claus is, and what his motives are. He’s known by many different names – Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Johnny Redcoat, Solstice Saul, The Winter Pimp, and Lap Daddy to name a few. Experts believe that having multiple identities makes it easier for Santa to cross national borders and achieve his sick goal of breaking into as many children’s homes as he possibly can.

“The truth is, we still don’t know why he does it,” said Special Agent Doug Wholfstetder who leads the FBI investigation that seeks to arrest this red-robed menace. “Sometimes he’ll try to bribe children with gifts, sometimes he’ll just eat their snacks. Whatever the reason, it needs to stop.”

Because there are many different conflicting stories about Santa’s habits and practices, the FBI is focusing on the similarities. One of those similarities is that Santa exploits slave labor as an industrialist operating out of the North Pole.

“There are virtually no regulations in the North Pole,” said Agent Wholfstetder, “which means he can do anything he wants up there. Slave labor laws don’t apply, child labor laws don’t apply, EPA regulations don’t apply. There’s some pretty strong evidence that the melting of the polar ice caps is due primarily to the exhaust of his massive arctic factory that we still can’t get into.”

Every year, thousands of Americans report seeing Santa Claus during the Christmas season. Several eyewitnesses have spotted the man at shopping malls, beckoning young children to sit on him so he can take pictures of them. What’s worse is that the authorities don’t appear to be doing anything about it.

“I come to the mall with my six-year-old every weekend to look for a husband and to expose my child to a variety of diseases so that he’ll be immune to the super bug that will wipe us out,” said Delaware mother Laura Correa. “Every time I’m there I fear for my child’s safety because security just lets these old creeps set up their Christmas traps in the middle of the mall. Maybe if mall security wasn’t so busy rejecting my advances then they would do something about it.”

So what can ordinary citizens do to avoid this mystical monster of a man? Agent Whofstetder has some tips.

“We know that he likes to get in through people’s chimneys. If you live in a home with a chimney, you’re going to want to plug it up immediately. Santa only breaks into homes with young children, so if you have any children in your home then you should set up a trap for him by leaving out milk and cookies laced with poison.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Santa Claus, or if you think you know his true identity, you are urged to contact the authorities immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Community Shaken By Interfaith Nativity Scene

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The community of Red Oak, Alabama has been expressing its outrage over the last few weeks over an interfaith family’s all-inclusive nativity scene, which features figures and scenes from a myriad of different religious beliefs. One woman claimed it was the most disturbing sight she had ever beheld.

“It’s absolutely sickening, and blasphemous,” she said to a reporter as well as every stranger she came into contact with. “It’s an insult to God, and even worse, an insult to me.”

Dozens gather in the street every night to protest the scene by singing hateful Christmas carols and punching anyone who says “happy holidays.”

The hype has gotten a number of local theologians to weigh in on the issue. Greg Whittagan, the head pastor at a nearby church, says that Jesus would also have been offended by the display.

“Jesus’ message was clear,” said Pastor Whittagan, “and that message is that he was the Son of God. Any assertion that that was not true would have certainly upset Christ, and he would have used his heat-vision to destroy those who doubted him.”

The nativity scene itself does include a baby Jesus, but the other figures have been changed. The three wise men have been replaced with Moses, Buddha, and Vishnu. Joseph has been supplanted by Cthulhu, and the Virgin Mary has been swapped out for a statue of Beyoncé.

The family who set up the nativity scene says they are not fazed by the backlash.

“Freedom of religion means freedom of all religions,” said Cathy Vahaswanath, who lives in the home that put up the scene. “These people in my community are going to have to look at Moses and Buddha high-fiving and learn from that.”

The nativity scene can be found on Glennross Road in between the house with the giant cross on the front lawn, and the house that still has its Halloween decorations up.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Simple Car Maintenance Tips That Anyone Can Follow

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Owning a car can be a big responsibility. There are a lot of parts, which means lots of upkeep that can be difficult for people to understand. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to make sure your car is in tip-top shape without needing a degree from any of the big name mechanic colleges. Here are a few of those tips.

 

Your blinkers can freeze up if you use them too much, so only use your turn signals about 20% of the time.

Wiper blades need to be changed every year, and the sharper the blade, the longer they last. You can go up to five years without replacing your wiper blades if you use samurai swords instead.

Make sure you regularly clean out the grill on the front of your car, otherwise any burgers you make on it are going to taste like leaves.

Check the air in your tires every few months. It should only take a couple of puffs from your own lungs to get a flat tire full again.

Always keep a spare tire somewhere. It doesn’t hurt to also keep a spare muffler, a spare battery, spare headlights… in fact, you might just want to tow a spare car around with you.

A car won’t start unless its cup holders are working. Check them as often as you can.

Many modern cars have a backup camera. Be sure to clean this camera whenever it gets dirty so that you can continue spying on all the squirrels in your neighborhood to see what they’re up to.

Be certain that your car’s spaghetti oven is working properly before going on long drives. You don’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without access to any spaghetti.

When fueling your car, be sure to spray some gasoline all around the intake to lube everything up before sticking it in.

Keeping a wrench in your car is always helpful because hitting any broken thing with a wrench will almost always fix it.

Make sure you get your oil changed regularly, but only by a licensed doctor. Have a mechanic do the same thing with your car, too.

It’s always good to get your brakes checked whenever you can, but ultimately they’re not important. You’ll get to where you’re going faster if you don’t use the brakes at all.

Be certain that you car has plenty of headlight fluid so that you can make dated references that no one else will get.

If you have a self-driving car, remember to stock up on pillows and blankets to ensure that you have the most restful driving experience possible.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

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Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

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Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

What Your Favorite Color Says About You

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According to psychics, mystics, and that weird girl my mother keeps trying to set me up with, every human exudes an aura that vibrates at a different color frequency. Most people don’t know this, but the color of a person’s aura can affect their personality just as much as their astrological sign, and people unwittingly choose that color as their favorite. This is why colorblind people have no souls.

The following is a guide to what your favorite color says about how you are, how you live, and what clothes you’ll be wearing when you die.

 

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty, wealth, and psychedelic acid trips. If this is your favorite color then you’re probably high right now.

Blue: Blue is a soft, calming color that is often favored by people trying to suppress their homicidal tendencies.

Orange: This is a color favored by optimists, grade school teachers, and people who make running part of their personality.

Silver: Everyone whose favorite color is silver is either a werewolf hunter or a younger sibling.

Green: People who like green are good with nature. They like to remain neutral, be independent, and cost Hillary the election.

White: Due to its association with purity and cleanliness, white is typically the favorite color of crazy people.

Indigo: Ever since scientists announced that Indigo was no longer part of the rainbow, everyone on the planet who liked this color disappeared. Authorities are still looking for them.

Pink: People who like pink are often loving, compassionate, and develop an addiction to alcohol in their late thirties due to being trapped in a loveless marriage.

Black: If this is your favorite color then you’re just trying to look cool and everyone knows it.

Teal: People who like this color are often indecisive because they can’t choose between blue and green.

Yellow: Yellow isn’t anybody’s favorite color.

Frune: This is a color that only exists in the fifth dimension. If this is your favorite color then you are not human.

Gray: People who favor this color are detestably honest about the miserable absurdity of life.

Brown: Since brown is all of the colors mixed, people who like this color have every personality all at once.

Red: If red is your favorite color then you are a communist and I will find you and report you, you sonofabitch.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Most Online Dating Profiles Set Up By Ostriches Trying To Trick People Into Giving Them Bird Seed, Study Finds

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According to a recent study, nearly 80% of online dating profiles are set up and run by crafty, mischievous ostriches that are trying to trick normal people into giving them birdseed. The study shows that this has been going on for over four years now, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it.

Many online daters across the country have spoken out about the issue after the study was released, saying they were too embarrassed to say anything before.

“I got matched with a man named Eduardo Phillips,” says frequent online dater and scarf enthusiast Hanna Borgen. “We chatted for a while and every so often he would ask me if I had any birdseed. I thought he was just being quirky and weird like every other guy who uses dating sites.”

Hanna later found out that she had been chatting with an ostrich the whole time, and that this ostrich was just using her to buy birdseed.

“He started asking if I would send him birdseed through the mail. Small packages at first, then larger ones. It got to a point where I was spending hundreds of dollars a month on birdseed and shipping, and I had no idea where it was all going.”

Hanna says that whenever she had doubts about the relationship, “Eduardo” would reassure her that he was a person just like her, and that sending him birdseed was the best way she could show her love towards him.

“I felt like I could trust him, like I could confide in him,” said Hanna. “I can see now that he was just an ostrich preying on my insecurities, but it felt so real at the time.”

Hanna isn’t alone. Nearly 400,000 Americans have reported similar experiences in the last four years. Authorities are not certain if it is a single ostrich behind all these fraud cases, or a league of ostriches working together.

The FBI has issued a warning for every online dater in the United States to be on the lookout for profiles that look suspiciously like they might have been created by ostriches.

“If someone you meet online starts asking you for birdseed, the best thing you can do is to cease communicating with them,” said an FBI spokesperson this morning. “We are doing everything we can to find the ostrich or ostriches responsible.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.