Area Man On Every Prank Show

Massachusetts local Jeffrey Haines is reportedly on the brink of insanity after discovering that various prank shows have been controlling almost every facet of his life. Jeffrey first became suspicious when he appeared on a hidden camera magic show last week.

“I performed this trick where I turn a sandwich into a piglet,” said TV magician Alex Landry. “Basically I go into a sandwich restaurant and make their bacon sandwiches come back to life. I did it to Jeffrey and he was shocked at first, then I explained that he was on a hidden camera show and he started laughing.”

Jeffrey reportedly enjoyed this little bit of fun, but that very same day Jeffrey accidentally wandered onto the set of a completely different hidden camera prank show called “Total Fakeout.”

“Basically we just take over small businesses and mess with people,” said Moira Jimenez, producer of Total Fakeout. “The week that Jeffrey was on we took over a car wash and pretended like we destroyed people’s cars.”

Jeffrey dropped his car off at the car wash, then he went to the sandwich place where he got pranked on the magic show, and when he returned, he found that his car had been destroyed by an internal fire. After getting his initial reaction on camera, the producers of Total Fakeout revealed that it was all just a prank and that his car was fine. After appearing on two prank shows in a row, Jeffrey became uneasy.

Several days later, Jeffrey’s wife of five years sat him down to explain that their marriage had been part of “’Til Ugly Do Us Part,” a hidden camera prank show where paid actors marry unattractive people and see how long it takes for them to find out that the love they share isn’t real. She also revealed that the kids they had together were paid actors as well.

Jeffrey was devastated this morning when he was informed by his doctor that he had terminal cancer and would die in six months, and then somehow even more devastated when his doctor turned out to be an actor on a prank show where fake doctors tell people that they’re going to die.

Jeffrey is reportedly seeking legal action, but he is unaware that every attorney that he’s contacted so far is a paid actor for a hidden camera prank show called “Blind Justice,” where the lawyer pretends to be blind and spills hot liquids all over the client.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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The 5 Most Venomous Creatures On The Planet

Humans have been at war with nature since the beginning of time. Fortunately we’re winning right now, but nature has produced some pretty deadly creatures to fight us off. One of the most effective ways that nature is trying to eradicate us is through venoms and poisons. Here are 5 venomous creatures to watch out for.

 

Brown-Tailed Horn Spider – This deadly eight-legged menace, native to the Australian continent, pounces on its prey and injects a fast-acting venom that causes immense gastric distress. Normally the spider is harmless, but if you insult its mother, or laugh at its brown tail, or do anything else to offend it, then it will come at you hard and it won’t quit until its venom is in your bloodstream so that it can watch you die in flatulent agony.

Pentagonback Rattlesnake – A cousin to the diamondback rattlesnake, this deadly creature was created by a mad scientist and then released into major cities all across the world. Its venom won’t make you sick, but it forces your brain to release chemicals that make you feel lonely and insecure.

Baby Rabbits – All newborn rabbits are the most venomous creatures on Earth. Their cuteness is a way of luring in their prey, but once you’re close enough to cuddle, they attack and inject you with a fatal venom that kills in seconds. Fortunately all the venom is secreted out of their long, fluffy ears by the time they reach two weeks old, but rabbits never lose that vicious killer instinct.

Atheists – These sickening creatures are most commonly found in suburban basements, but there’s always danger whenever they creep up to the surface world and invade a local population. Atheists have a venom sack in their neck that squirts out a secular poison, which seeps into your brain and alters its alpha orbital gyrus waves, causing you to lose all sense of logic and reason. Because of how dangerous they are, most states don’t even allow atheists as pets anymore.

Squimbly Squmbulpus – The squimbly squmbulpus is a rare figglesnake from the slumbumbering forest. It oozes it’s bright green floopgoo onto any unsuspecting wanglenaughts and blubbuses that wander too close to the gankos tree that it calls home. Only fleepcream from the malorplorp crevasse can counteract the squimbly squmbulpus floopgoo. This is really only a concern for fictional creatures.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Saxophones

All of us recognize the saxophone as the sexiest instrument in the world, but few of us know much else about it. Over 90% of Americans have no idea where saxophones come from, even though an additional 60% of Americans sleep with one under their bed every night without even realizing it. Circus Killer News sent a team of highly trained investigators to go out and learn as much as they could about that new sushi place that just opened up down the road. Meanwhile we spent five minutes looking up saxophones on the internet. Here’s what we found.

Many Americans believe that the saxophone was given to man thousands of years ago, when the biblical Abraham and his wife Sarah were having issues conceiving a child. To help out his bro, God gifted Abraham with a tenor saxophone, promising that it was a tool that would end their pregnancy problems. Abraham studied the instrument and became the greatest saxophonist who ever lived, and the sounds of that magnificent brass horn were so erotic that it made Sarah pregnant the first time he played it in front of her.

While that tale is highly plausible, science shows us that it isn’t true. We now know that saxophones are created in supernova explosions, and that millions of saxophones rain down on this planet every 63,000 years in a span of five minutes. The first saxophones were found by archeologist Dr. Esteban von Sax while digging holes in the ground to hide from bullies. Dr. Sax first thought that he found strange, misshapen dinosaurs, but when he placed his mouth on the end of one – as any archeologist would – he discovered that the beautiful brass shape that he found in the dirt was actually a majestic musical instrument. This is where the saxophone got the nicknames, “dirt horn,” “brass fossil,” and “dirty brass prehistoric mystical shape organ from the dirt.”

There are many different types of saxophones, including alto, tenor, bass, piano, unleaded, semi-automatic, and trans. Each one controls a different element of nature. Only The Sage – a master saxophonist who appears once a generation – can wield all of them. The Sage is the deadliest man on Earth with a saxophone, and he never uses his powers for good. Ever.

The average saxophone has thirty-two keys, plus four wisdom keys that sometimes appear during young adulthood. The price of a saxophone is determined by how loudly its keys jingle and jangle about in the wind. When played, each key of the saxophone is pressed down to unlock a different piece of the player’s soul. If every key is pressed at the same time then the player’s soul is instantly ejected from his or her body, and they must use the instrument to suck it back in before they die.

We’re learning more and more about saxophones every day, but they remain to be one of the greatest mysteries of the universe. If you or someone you know has seen a saxophone lately, contact the authorities immediately.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KILLER ADVICE: How Can I Stop People From Breaking Into My Car And Committing Crimes Inside Of It?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly advice column written by the staff of Circus Killer News. Our staff might be young and attractive, but the untold wisdom that we gained from eating crystals gives us the authority to tell you how to live your life.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Makayla Sinnis from Kingsdale, Florida. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, and for as long as I can remember, people keep breaking into it and using it as a place to commit crimes. Last week as I approached my car in the parking lot of where I do grass fed yoga, I noticed two old men doing heroin in the back seat. They picked the lock with their drug needle that they were sharing, and both of them were only wearing socks. Then there was a time when I was stuck in traffic on my way to work, and a group of rowdy teenagers who were skipping school climbed on top of my Prius, smashed open the sunroof, and crawled inside to drink alcohol and listen to profane music after pushing me out onto the highway. My car has been broken into and made into a crime scene at least three dozen times, and I can’t figure out why this is happening to me.”

 

Makayla, the truth is, you actually don’t have a problem here. The Toyota Prius is the worst selling car in America because of how lame it is. In order to increase sales, Toyota lobbied Congress to pass a federal law that states that no one can be convicted of any crime that takes place inside a Prius. Americans still don’t buy the worthless commie virgin-mobile, but there’s nothing illegal about breaking into one and committing crimes inside of it. Try driving literally any other car, and you won’t have this problem.

In case that isn’t an option, there are a few things that you can do to keep your car from getting broken into so often. You could try painting your car to resembling something that is not a Prius, such as a Ford F-150, a hippopotamus, the Second Amendment, or anything else that Americans believe is too sacred to mess around with. You could also try wrapping strips of barbed wire around your car, but this will likely attract perverts, which could potentially make matters far worse.

The only other thing we would recommend is to get some sort of custom car alarm that would scare off anyone who trips it. Instead of the usual beeping and honking, you could have your car blast hippopotamus mating sounds, which is a sight too glorious and sacred to behold. Other sounds that would scare people off include ghosts fighting, the echoey groan of an empty vending machine, and any foreign music. You could also have your car play the National Anthem, which would force anyone in earshot to immediately stop what they’re doing, even if they’re breaking into your car, and bow their head in prayer.

We hope this helps, Makayla, but if you ever tell anyone that we gave assistance to the owner of a Prius then we could lose our reporting license, so keep this to yourself.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Lizard Men Unsettled By State Of U.S. Politics

Recent reports indicate that the secret society of lizard men who have been guiding American government and culture since the country’s inception have finally returned to Earth after being on vacation since 2015. The Reptilians left for their homeworld, Planet X, shortly before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency, and are shocked by how their project has deteriorated in the last three and a half years.

“Everything was going fine,” said Xylluriax, a lieutenant in the Nibiru Invasion Agency. “Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how humans are able to fuck things up so much in such a small amount of time.”

The NIA has been infiltrating the United States government and orchestrating world events to slowly eradicate humankind and replace it with a crossbreed of human and Reptilian creatures that will rule the Earth. It’s a highly delicate plan with no room for error, but after centuries, the lizard men needed a break.

“We put it all in the hands of Zandorrah,” continued Xylluriax, “who in the past had proven to be an excellent shapeshifter and slummus trankulator, but not a very likable person. Zandorrah had been impersonating a human for decades, and served as the U.S. Secretary of State under President Obama from 2009 to 2013.”

Zandorrah was meant to become President after Barrack Obama. Under Zandorrah’s rule, Americans were to be given free healthcare so that a mutation formula could be administered to the entire population through mandatory vaccinations. Zandorrah convinced the other Reptilians that he could accomplish this on his own, and that the rest of them deserved a relaxing break. Somehow, Zandorrah let the election slip away from him.

“Now we’re back,” said Xyllurian, “and all of our focus is on restoring Reptilian power and undoing all the damage done by the unevolved primates currently in control of Washington. Our plans should be up and running again after the 2020 election, but we’re making a strong push to get things back this November.”

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Insecure Coworker Ready For Halloween

Office manager Wade Mikael of Bedhurst, Delaware, has reportedly spent the day demonstrating to his coworkers that he is already prepared for this year’s Halloween. Wade has been distracting his coworkers by sharing pictures of his decorations and costumes, and expressing his contemptible interest in the child’s holiday.

“I was sitting at my desk, trying to write my T.P.S. report,” says coworker Mandy Hoffe, “when Wade appeared with his iPhone and shows me so many goddamn photos of his house. I mean, yeah, it was impressive how many skeletons and spiders and cutouts he had up, but really, who gives a shit?”

Wade expressed to another coworker, Dawn Somner, that he had purchased eleven different Halloween costumes because he couldn’t decide what he wanted.

“If you’re that into Halloween,” says Dawn, “then you make one homemade costume each year, and that’s it. This is just sad.”

Some of Wade’s coworkers recall that Halloween was a big thing for him and his wife Alice for the last few years, but they split up over the summer. No one in the office is looking forward to Wade’s annual Halloween party at the end of the month.

“It’s going to be the most awkward party I’ve ever been to,” says Dawn. “Well, the most awkward party on land, anyway. I think most of us just aren’t going. There’s only so much sympathy that we as human beings can feign, you know?”

Wade bombarded Greg from accounting with photos of his decorations, stories of where he obtained them and how much they cost, and assurances that this year’s Halloween party is going to be the best one ever. This proved to be the height of the day’s awkwardness, as Wade is still unaware that his wife Alice is currently living with Greg, and that they’ve been lovers for almost a year.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.